Drowning in a well of shame, guilt and regret
Friday, July 25, 2014
I've been avoiding the scale for a little while now, knowing that my weight has climbed. I gathered my courage and stepped onto our new digitized scale this morning and felt my stomach sink into my toes. 215.6lbs...215.6lbs...How did this happen? When? I knew I had gained weight, but that was over 20 pounds more than I expected.
I carry a lot of shame with my weight and that shame coupled with fear and even a little regret can get very heavy, very fast. You see, I'm a Registered Holistic Nutritional Consultant (RHN for short). I graduated in 2013 with the second highest marks in my class. I worked and paid my way through school myself, and I worked hard, studied hard, was committed to making a difference. And now I feel like I have failed. I've been big for about 5 years now and I feel shame very time I see a client, wondering if they are judging me or second guessing me because of my weight. I have the tools and knowledge to lose weight, but my ambition is drowning in shame and guilt.
I am here to make a difference, to try once again to put this weight behind me. I recently lost my day job and am going back to school in September so life is about to get hectic again, and I need ALL the energy I can get to do this. So, I need to make this try count. I need to give it my all. And I need a little support and encouragement along the way. A kick in the butt, a motivational push...Something to get going and to not stop this time. To not get dragged down the deep, dark well of shame, guilt and regret. I need a hand to help me out of this well, to help me climb out and steady me so I don't fall back in. I need to gather courage so that when fear creeps back (and at some point it will) I will be able to stand tall and fight off the little whisper of "you will fail." Because this time, I don't want to fail. I almost feel like I am not ready to succeed, but that has to do with the fear of the journey ahead of me and all the work it includes.
So here it is. All my fears and shame out in the open instead of hidden inside. I am ashamed of what I look like and I am so afraid of failing, so nervous about the daunting journey ahead of me. But.... I AM GOING TO MAKE TODAY COUNT. One step at a time, I will make each day count. Thank you for joining me for step one!