I have been struggling for quite a few days now... I am not panicking yet... but it is getting close to that
zone. So what happened today could not have come at a better time. But to paint a better picture... let me give you a little extra insight into today...
I am feeling bloated, crummy, TOM is coming any second, I feel like a fatty-mc-failure... made terrible food choices, and just feel all around blah!
But then something happened... something that definitely threw me for a loop. A coworker that I don't see very regularly saw me, in free dress (so jeans and a tshirt instead of a baggy uniform) and said "Wow, you have lost so much weight! You look like a different person! I'm kind of freaking out right now, lol, it's amazing!"
I thought it was so nice of her, but being honest I always just blurt stuff right out... so I said "I've gained like 10 pounds!" Okay, exaggeration, I've gained about 5, but it just came out... and being me I made a joke "I can't even button my pants!" We had a good laugh... and I asked if they wanted anything from Starbucks, and yet another joke "because that's what I need when I can't button my pants, Starbucks." Another coworker having lost a lot of weight himself said "You still look amazing, you can have some cheat days now and again, you are doing great!" I thought that was so kind, I wanted to say I've had one too many "cheat days" this week, but I decided to take the compliment with kindness and not make a joke. It is just in my nature to crack a joke like that, but I do appreciate the compliments and always say thank you.
It really was eye opener, and a much needed one! I am not a failure, not in the least. I'm still "successful" at weight loss. Until the day comes that I throw in the towel and gain back all 80+ pounds, I am clearly doing SOMETHING right. I needed that reminder today, I needed that reminder that I look VERY different to everyone who knew me at my highest weight. Even if I don't feel amazing today, it doesn't mean I haven't accomplished some amazing things. It reminded me to be proud of what I have accomplished, and it reminded me that I need to have confidence in myself. Not just confidence in the way I look or the person I am, but confidence that I *KNOW* how to lose this weight. Every time I start to gain back some weight, I question everything. I question why I'm doing this, how I'm doing this, whether or not my plan works... but I have no reason to doubt myself or my plan. My plan works, when I do it... when I start gaining it's because I'm not following "my plan", plain and simple. I don't need a new plan, I just need to do it.
The other interesting thing about perspective is, to others, they see someone who has lost 80+ pounds, I see someone has recently been off track and has gained back 5 pounds. It is not because I think lowly of myself, it is because I need to keep things in perspective. I could easily shrug off 5 or 10 pounds stating "I've still lost 80 pounds"... I could be in denial about the weight gain and say "Everyone says I look great, so I don't need to worry about that", and I could do that all the way to where I've gained back 80 pounds going "how did I let this happen?!"
So just as balance is important in a healthy lifestyle, and honestly for most things in our lives... balance is important here. I have to find the balance between being proud of what I've accomplished, but not so much so that I turn a blind eye to regained weight. I can be happy to receive compliments, but I can't allow the compliments to justify my poor eating. I can't take it lightly that my pants are getting tight, but I am also not going to beat myself up for it either. I am going to take control, continue to attempt to get things back on track.. and continue to TRY each and everyday. All I can do is keep trying... I will keep trying to lose the weight, and one day I will have done it. Then I will try to maintain, for a lifetime... There will be fluctuations, there will be horrible awful days, but there will always be good, fabulous on track days too! I just need to remember that being healthy (and looking fabulous, I can't even lie
) is something that I want so badly, that I will never stop trying! (And yes, you Star Wars people would say Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try", but I'm not a Star Wars person