Double whammy! Take that voice of reason!
Thursday, July 03, 2014
I woke up this morning and a gentle rain was falling outside. The sound of the rain falling was soothing. I reached over and hit the snooze button. "I really don't want to get up and walk. My knees ache and I am still tired," I said to myself. "Just get up and get it over with," I reasoned. Yawn. "I don't want to," I said. "Once you start it will be fine. If you don't, you will regret it," I reasoned. "So what. You'll get over it. It's ONE morning," I countered. I hit the snooze again and dozed off, and then I hit the snooze a second time and dozed off, and THEN I hit the snooze a third time and dozed off.
"What? Oh crap. Get up girl! Lace up those shoes, get moving. You got this. Get on that treadmill." uhhhh, "OK" I replied. I look at the clock - there is no way to walk 30 minutes and get to work on time. I made my way to the shower. Walking time was long gone. That window of opportunity was slammed shut.
"OK, so I'm a slacker. It is one morning, right? I'll be good the rest of the day. It's ok to slack off one day. You can't do everything right all the time. It's ok, really it is!"
Then I hop on the scale. WHAT? Still up from my Saturday challenge weigh in. How can that be? I've been good. I've been walking. I've been doing strength training. I've stayed in my calories since I had that pizza. I should be back where I was at least!
"Now you did it. Not only did you NOT walk this morning, you gained weight this week! You are not the biggest loser, you are just a plain old loser," the shame gremlin inside taunted.
I get to work. On the counter in the kitchen is a spread of bagels and cookies. They looked so yummy.
"Go ahead and have one, you already gained weight. What's a little more? You know you want one. Don't deny yourself. Quit denying yourself the food you love!" the gremlins reasoned.
I walked on to my office. Took a deep breath. "Focus Barb. What do you really want. Is it really that cookie or do you really want to be healthy and eat better. If you want to eat better, that cookie is not part of the plan. Remember what the doc said? You are fit! You are fit because you are doing the right things. You are fit because you are eating better." Geez, sometimes I hate that voice of reason that lives inside me.
I started working. "If you want one of those shortbread cookies, you better get it now before they are all gone. You deserve it. Don't let someone else have it - go get it NOW! Go see if they are still there. If they are there, you are meant to have one.", the gremlins taunted.
"No, eat the cherries you brought from home. They are sweet and will taste so good. You love cherries. That cookie will just start the downward slide."
"Start the downward slide? You are already ON the downward slide silly. Have the cookie," the relentless gremlins countered.
I buzz one of my walking buddies and make plans to walk on my lunch hour with her. "OK, so I am now officially OFF the downward slide. I have plans to walk. I'm not going to make this any worse than it is." Take that gremlins.
I got out my cherries and started eating them. Then I got up and walked through the kitchen. Damn. The cookies were STILL there! It was almost lunch time and they were still there! Maybe it was a sign?
Barter time. "OK, so they are still there. Go for your walk. Eat your lunch. If you still want that cookie and they are still there, you can have 1/4 of the cookie. You can stay in your calorie count with 1/4 of the cookie if you cut back on something else later in the day."
"I hate it when you do that. You know you can't eat 1/4 of the cookie. It's all or nothing. You will eat the whole thing 1/4 at a time!" the shame gremlins laughed.
You know what, I think they have something there.
So I went out and walked for a half an hour, ate my lunch and went back to work. The cookies were still there.
I walked by and went back to my office.
I really don't want the cookie. I just THINK I want the cookie. I really don't want the shame and guilt session that will come after eating the cookie. I already had one of those today by skipping my walk and a second one when I stepped on the scale.
Good grief! Stop it! Stop this childish fighting! Only you can stop this! Quit obsessing on the fricking cookie! It is a beautiful day outside. Everything it holds for you is going to get lost in this internal battle over a shortbread cookie? Really? You have already lost almost half of your day to a cookie which is occupying far to much space in your mind.
OK. I waved the white flag. No cookie today. That's it. No more discussion. No more thoughts about it. Moving on. Restarting my day while there is still some left.
It's all about choices. Little choices or steps - steps in the right or wrong direction. Stay in bed and listen to the rain - or walk? Sit and watch tv in the lunchroom - or walk? Eat the cookie - or not? Take the stairs or the elevator? Yep all little choices that can keep me moving in the right direction towards my goal, or not.
While I hate these internal battles, I love my voice of reason. With each day on this journey, it gets a little stronger. Sometimes those gremlins outsmart it with their wiley tactics but not anymore today. There was a time when my voice of reason was so weak it was almost silent. The gremlins were so strong they would just bully and push it aside like it was nothing. Not today.
I am looking forward to the day when my voice of reason prevails more than not! But in the mean time, just for today, I am waving the white flag, calling a truce and moving on whether the cookie is still there or not!