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I have lost 100 pounds!!!

Saturday, April 05, 2014

It hasn't really sunk in. I still get surprised when I get on the scale and see a "1" at the beginning of the number..lol I'm 15 pounds away from my goal (which will probably be adjusted, but 145 has been my goal for years as it was my high school weight..lol) And my reward for hitting my goal is a tattoo. It was such a long term goal, I never really seriously thought I'd make it. And now I'm only 15 pounds away. That's so insane to me.

The weight loss is so much more than a physical change. I never really realized how emotionally complicated it would be. I see before and after pics and see a difference, and looking in the mirror I see a little difference, but, honestly I don't feel like I see 100 pounds difference. I look down at my flabby belly and feel like I'm not even close to my high school weight (and I was chubby then too.) I heard someone say before that you never see yourself as big as you were and don't see yourself as small as you become. So true, so true! It's just something I'll have to continue working on.

On a side note, I got results back from the biopsy of the pollup found in my uterus and everything is fine. Thank goodness! I still have many more doc appts to get my hormones normal and hopefully I'll get the ok from the surgeon to start on fertility treatments again in June, but I know things are at least going in the right direction and I have a better chance of them working now that the weight is down. It does make it hard because of all the emotional pain and the toll it takes on me and my husband from trying and failing for 11 years and now we're going to try again. It makes me scared to try again because failing is so painful. But more painful would be not trying and then not knowing. I'm so blessed to have such a supportive and loving husband. I count my blessings for him every day and try to remember to tell him that as well.

Sad note-my grandfather died a week ago and his funeral is today. It was a long time coming and he's at peace and no more pain, but I'm dreading going to the funeral. Honestly I haven't mourned really since I got the call that he died and I know inside I've just mostly avoided feeling it and by going to the funeral, I'll be forced to face it and I really don't want to. I mean, who would want to? Nobody likes funerals. When my uncle died last year, whom I was very close with, I said goodbye to him in my own way and had mourned and had closure before his funeral. I went for family, not for him or me, but this isn't how I'm reacting to my grandfather. I'm just blocking it out and I recognize that and also realize it's not healthy, but, damnit, I just really really don't want to go!

So what a bitter day for my 100 pound success. But, I know he's looking down and proud of me and my accomplishments, so I guess it's just bittersweet.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • RUTHIET_456
    My sympathies for your loss. It is difficult to focus on ourselves when we lose a loved one but I think you made the right decision to go to the funeral. In some way it offers closure and strength for you.

    You are amazing and should be proud of yourself. 100 lbs is nothing to scoff at and the greater possibility that you may become pregnant as a result is a wonderful prospect. I know what you mean about the flab. Hopefully some strength training can help with that. I often wonder about loose skin when I finally reach my goal weight and whether I will have surgery to remove it.

    Keep loving yourself. You are worth it!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2590 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    2593 days ago
    tattoos are fabulous rewards!!

    Congrats on your accomplishment! That is so awesome. I am so proud of you!
    2593 days ago
    Congrats on the weightloss. So sorry to hear bout ur Grandfather. Just keep pushing. Good luck with the fertility, don't give up. I was told I would never become pregnant but after 15 yrs of trying I got my dream. 9 yrs later he is still my miracle baby boy. Be patient.
    2595 days ago
    Please accept my condolences for the loss of your Grandfather.

    This is a bittersweet time, but I'm happy for your weight loss. That reflects a lot of hard work and persistence.

    May good things come your way.

    2596 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon on your weight loss
    2596 days ago
    Congratulations on your weight loss - that is awesome!

    So sorry for your loss!
    2596 days ago
    My sincerest sympathy on the loss of your grandfather:
    When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a wonderful treasure to always hold in your heart miss you forever & always.
    Author unknown

    Awesome job on your incredible weight loss
    2597 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather! emoticon
    But emoticon on your weight loss!! That is so emoticon !!! Keep on marching towards that goal! emoticon
    2597 days ago
  • KMW987
    Congrats on your weight loss!

    I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa.
    2597 days ago
  • PATTYR81
    I'm SOOO with you on both feelings!!!

    emoticon on your 100 emoticon

    2597 days ago
    I'm happy for one loss and sad for the other. He is definitely smiling down at you.

    I had many of the same emotions when my mom passed away in February. I thought I'd be the one to break down and my baby sister would handle everything but it was the opposite. I put so much energy into taking care of things and people around me the first few days that I blocked some emotions. The day of her service, I couldn't move off the couch to get dressed.

    Keep your loving thoughts of him close. Big hugs to you today!

    2597 days ago
  • BOB5148
    emoticon on the weight loss
    2597 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/5/2014 10:37:00 AM
  • no profile photo CD12757930
    Congratulations on your weight loss! That is a wonderful accomplishment!!!

    I'm so sorry about your grandfather. Of course you don't want to go to his funeral! To go means you'll have to face it, and that is so hard to do. I hope you find strength to go, and realize that it will help you in the long run, but it won't be easy.

    Best wishes to you and your family!
    2597 days ago
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