I haven't written a blog in FOREVER. It's really time for an update, don't you think?
I had my daughter Brooklyn on December 17th, 2011. So, now, she is 15 months old. She is just so freaking adorable. We are all just in love with her.
I have lost 20 lbs since she was born, but I still have about 50 to go.
It was a totally different story after I had Emma. After Emma was born I was so determined to lose weight. I tracked every calorie, worked out 5 days a week, and weighed myself every morning. I was obsessed with every part of losing weight. When Emma had her 1st birthday, I was at the skinniest I had ever been in my life. In junior high I remember being in a size 14 and it just went up from there. After Emma's 1st Birthday, I was in a size 6. I was very proud. A few months later I started to put a little bit of weight back on which at first didn't really bother at first. In the next year before I got pregnant with Brooklyn, I creeped up from weighing 138 lbs and being a size 6 to weighing about 175 and being a size 14. I learned how to lose weight, but for some reason I hadn't learned how to keep it off. Then, after I was pregnant I felt like I couldn't worry about it then, I just needed to wait until AFTER I had Brooklyn.
After I had Brooklyn it seemed like I wasn't as motivated, or maybe busier? I'm not sure. But I have beat myself up a lot since then. I kept trying to get motivated, but I would workout for a couple weeks and then I would hurt my back and say 'screw it'. It has been hard for me to be motivated to eat better when I'm not working out. Its like they've gone hand in hand with me. All or nothing.
Right after Brooklyn had her 1st Birthday I was really feeling awful about myself. I hadn't taken much of the weight off and I couldn't help but compare myself to the motivated me that was so thin at Emma's 1st Birthday.
In January I kept trying to motivate myself again. I tried incorporating some home workouts and printed off a calendar to keep me on track. All my workouts were all figured out. I got into 2 1/2 weeks of workouts and then hurt my back again. I was back again at 'all or nothing' and so that meant nothing. The EXACT same thing happened in February. I re-made my calendar through the end of March and worked out for about 10 more days and hurt myself AGAIN. I was listening to my body. I was not jumping up and down. I was being so careful to ease myself back into my workouts and on day 11 I couldn't walk. I went to the doctor for an anti inflammatory shot and pain pills and they said I was having muscle spasms. The the muscle just spasms up and makes you feel like you get stuck, you just can't move.
I believe this last time I had to give myself a reality check. I can't keep waiting for my back to not be hurting so that I can also eat healthier. I have to change my 'all or nothing' way of thinking. I'm tired of beating myself up. Instead of being positive and realizing I'm still 65 lbs down from my highest weight and have had 2 kids, I'm angry that I'm not thin yet. I want to look at myself through kinder eyes. Through the eyes of the other people who love me.
I KNOW how to lose weight because I have obsessed over every calorie before and over every workout and had to weight myself each morning. And it worked. I KNOW how to lose weight. The problem is I never learned how to keep it off. Obviously I need some healthy habits that I can hold on to.
So, here is my mission to make that happen. I'm going to do what Spark Guy did and just pick one thing to focus on and make it happen every day, and then see how many days in a row I can do it. Starting in the middle of Feb I had a good look at myself. I realized that I always eat a good nutritious breakfast, that 90% of the time I eat the same salad with grilled chicken, that I did alright with dinner, but I kept making myself a snack after I got the girls to bed. Maybe if I could just cut out eating right before bed, then I could make that a habit that I could keep. So, my goal was see how many days I can go without eating after 8:30. The reason I picked 8:30 is because that is when my girls are in bed. We usually eat at 7, then girls get a bath, bedtime story, and then bed. So, I'm not thinking about food until the girls are asleep, I've done some picking up around the house, and then I'm settled down to relax for a couple hours before bed. Then I start to want a snack. The first day was hard. I think it was mostly habit though, not hunger. I came to work the next day and made my tick mark. The next night was easier because I didn't think about it, I just did it. My days were adding up quickly and I didn't want that to end. There was a couple hard days in there. I went for a total of 28 days until my streak ended. The reason my streak ended was because I wasn't prepared. My husband and I were working at a tradeshow that day and were running late in the morning. We grabbed an egg white delight from mcdonalds and that held me over for a little bit. I didn't want to eat the junk at the show and since we had been running late we weren't prepared with good snacks. By the time we picked up the girls and got home, it was already 8:40. I could have just not eaten but I was really hungry after working on my feet all day and not eating too much. I didn't feel too bad about ending my streak because I just realized I hadn't been prepared that day and I was just going to learn from that mistake and start my streak again the next day. Here is where I am proud of myself. The old me would have realized I ruined my streak that night and still made a snack later. But I realized I am trying to change for the big picture and for the long term habit. So I just ate a light dinner and didn't snack. When I got to work the next day I marked my calendar with the 28 day streak and started over.
Since I made it almost an entire month and it was becoming easy to not eat late, I decided to add in another healthy habit. I decided my next struggle that I need to over come to maintain weight is to drink more water. So now I am marking my calendar with each day I don't eat after 8:30 and drink at least 8 glasses of water. Today I will be on day 5.
I am not obsessing over weighing myself, I've weighed myself once a week. I'm not obsessing over every calorie and the fact that I can't workout right now (I go to the doctor next Wednesday). I am just working on these healthy habits and am going to trust that the weight will come off. At the end of the day, will it really matter if I took the weight off in 6 months or in 2 years? I used to care how quick I could take off the weight, but now I just want to keep it off. I don't want to hate myself anymore.
By the way, its been 28 days plus my new 5 day streak and I've lost 10 lbs. I'm amazed and I've found my motivation again. But my motivation is different now. My motivation is to figure out how to maintain my weight and learn what works for me long term. And to learn to be nicer to myself. I have 2 little girls who look at me with so much love. I don't want to teach them the self hate I've had in the past because kid's just don't learn by words, they learn from our action.
Sorry if this blog is jumbled. I'm not the best writer and I'm trying to get these thoughts down and don't have time to look it over.