Thursday, February 06, 2014
With the anxiety and depression I struggle with, I don't know how I manage to get to school and get through the day. Well, sometimes, I'll skip a class here or there and I haven't been studying at all but still managed to get a 90 out of 100 on an exam.
I was talking to a friend from middle school the other day. She said our friendship isn't over just because we went to different schools. She withdrew from the university a while ago and then went to a career college for nursing but now she is having a bit of trouble passing her boards. Some people go to those schools and they can find jobs but others go and pass whatever they need to pass and still can't find anything. She does work. Not an ideal job but so what. It's something. She doesn't judge me and she was there for me when I really needed someone to talk to.
Part of me is just afraid that I am going to keep getting left behind. She is a smart person. She will get those boards passed. Plus, she is bilingual and that is a major advantage to have out in the working world! (Especially in my state.) Note: I do realize many people, even bilingual, have trouble finding work. I am just saying it's an advantage where I live. Some people take statements the wrong way and just wanted to be clear about that.
I can't even barely drag myself out of bed some days. I just feel that depressed. I talk and talk and talk about it but something isn't clicking and I feel like I am getting older and getting nowhere. That's an awful feeling.
Sometimes, I wonder if I stuck with my original goal, if things would be different or not. Guess it doesn't matter anymore. Everyone has seen so much change in their life and nothing has really changed in mine, except just feeling sad all the time. It seems like I'll never feel better. It's hard. Why did this have to happen? I didn't cause it. Some people say "happiness is a choice" but that's not true. People don't choose to be depressed. People give me positive thoughts but I bet if most people's children (young adults) were stuck in life or going through this, they would be irritated with them and think they were "lazy."
I'm suppose to go with out later with a friend but I don't know if I am up to it. It's a restaurant/bar setting. Maybe we could go somewhere else.
I do appreciate all of the encouragement and good thoughts sent my way. I don't want anyone to think that it doesn't matter at all just because I'm still feeling unwell.