Tuesday, February 04, 2014
Yesterday afternoon, I went to a counseling session and it really upset me.
It started out fine but then she told me she doesn't think she can help me unless I take medicine. The first medication did nothing and the doctor is working with mood stabilizers, not anti-depressants because he thinks that's the ticket. Anyway, they want to try me on a low dose of Lithium and it's not something I want to stick in my body. The counselor told me that I need to trust in the doctor and that he's a good doctor. Why do I have to trust that he's a good doctor? Really? Why? I don't have to trust anything just because you tell me so.
She also said we can get to the root of the problem once my anxiety symptoms aren't so rampant. Root of the problem? Um..I tell you exactly what is wrong and all about my fears and worries. There is no deep dark secret underneath it all. I worry relentlessly about choosing the wrong thing or that nothing will ever work out and I'll end up living under a tree or in a horrible situation due to never being able to find a job and take care of myself in a financial sense.
Self doubt and terrible fears about that kind of stuff are my REAL worries.
She then proceeds to tell me that there are a lot of homeless people who are content and it's all about perspective, along with the fact that many people who went to college and who have a great education ended up homeless anyway. WAS THAT SUPPOSE TO HELP? She keeps wanting to dig where there is nowhere to dig.
Everyone has the same kind of fears I do, except not to the extreme extent
that I do. I threw up yesterday morning and was having a freak attack. I went to a session to get help. Not to be pushed into taking medicine. I said I was willing to try but I never agreed to putting anything and everything into my body.
Lithium can lower thyroid levels. I already have Hypothyroidism. That would require a lot of blood tests and who knows how much that would cost?
The first counselor I was working with was a Psychologist. The one I am working with now is an MFT since the first was is on Sabbatical. Don't know if it makes a difference either way.
I barely manage being at school and I was telling the counselor I am on the verge on quitting but she seemed to just go back to the medicine and the real root and she says she feels like she can't talk to me about the real issues because my anxiety is "too rampant." I DO TALK ABOUT THE REAL ISSUES. If she is trying to uncover some deep dark secret down in the unconscious of my soul, she is going to be sorely disappointed.
Today, my mom and I are going to see if we can get some health coverage for me so I can possibly see someone outside of school. Don't know if I'll be able to get the coverage though but it's worth a try.