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Dumb session!

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Yesterday afternoon, I went to a counseling session and it really upset me.

It started out fine but then she told me she doesn't think she can help me unless I take medicine. The first medication did nothing and the doctor is working with mood stabilizers, not anti-depressants because he thinks that's the ticket. Anyway, they want to try me on a low dose of Lithium and it's not something I want to stick in my body. The counselor told me that I need to trust in the doctor and that he's a good doctor. Why do I have to trust that he's a good doctor? Really? Why? I don't have to trust anything just because you tell me so.

She also said we can get to the root of the problem once my anxiety symptoms aren't so rampant. Root of the problem? Um..I tell you exactly what is wrong and all about my fears and worries. There is no deep dark secret underneath it all. I worry relentlessly about choosing the wrong thing or that nothing will ever work out and I'll end up living under a tree or in a horrible situation due to never being able to find a job and take care of myself in a financial sense.
Self doubt and terrible fears about that kind of stuff are my REAL worries.

She then proceeds to tell me that there are a lot of homeless people who are content and it's all about perspective, along with the fact that many people who went to college and who have a great education ended up homeless anyway. WAS THAT SUPPOSE TO HELP? She keeps wanting to dig where there is nowhere to dig.

Everyone has the same kind of fears I do, except not to the extreme extent
that I do. I threw up yesterday morning and was having a freak attack. I went to a session to get help. Not to be pushed into taking medicine. I said I was willing to try but I never agreed to putting anything and everything into my body.

Lithium can lower thyroid levels. I already have Hypothyroidism. That would require a lot of blood tests and who knows how much that would cost?

The first counselor I was working with was a Psychologist. The one I am working with now is an MFT since the first was is on Sabbatical. Don't know if it makes a difference either way.

I barely manage being at school and I was telling the counselor I am on the verge on quitting but she seemed to just go back to the medicine and the real root and she says she feels like she can't talk to me about the real issues because my anxiety is "too rampant." I DO TALK ABOUT THE REAL ISSUES. If she is trying to uncover some deep dark secret down in the unconscious of my soul, she is going to be sorely disappointed.

Today, my mom and I are going to see if we can get some health coverage for me so I can possibly see someone outside of school. Don't know if I'll be able to get the coverage though but it's worth a try.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    A person is not born with overwhelming worries, fears, and anxiety. It is a learned trait. Everyone does have some, but not as overwhelming as you have. Either it was learned based on events happening to and around you, or from a physical or mental health condition. Yes, you need to talk about the worries, fears, and issues happening, but if you never figure out the source, then you will never be able to move past them. Getting to the root of the problem means either talking about your childhood and your family to see if it was a learned trait or trying different medications to find out if it is a mental health or physical condition. Sometimes it's not about understanding why they are doing/saying what they are, but about understanding they know more about what they're looking for than you do.

    You have issues with trust. So do I. I learned them over about 25 years of serious issues in my life. I also have physical conditions that are rare, misunderstood, and/or were misdiagnosed for the first 30 years of my life. Together they've given me serious mental health problems. I was put on many different types of mental health meds until I was in my mid 20s and none worked because they were focusing on the symptoms and missing the real problems. Now I am trying to get my physical symptoms figured out and that's helped a lot, while also working on adjusting how I think to combat the horrible issues I learned early on in my life.

    If you won't talk about your childhood and your family (what little you've said about how your extended family treats you and your close family, that is something you should be talking about) and you won't try medications, then you are essentially being non-compliant. If you are unwilling to try what they want to try, then they won't be able to do anything to help.

    I try to live with the saying "trust but verify". This is taken several ways. If I lend money to someone, know that I can live without it being paid back. If I give someone a ride somewhere, do so because I know they won't hurt me while I'm driving and if they ditch me I have my own way home. If a doctor wants to run a test or put me on a treatment, I ask questions and research it. If I don't believe it's the right treatment, I take the information I have to the doctor and ask more questions then present other treatment options. So maybe you can try something similar. Don't just trust outright, but give the benefit of the doubt. Be willing to try things you don't think will work. At least if you try it, then you'll know for sure if it helps or hurts. If you really are completely against a treatment, then come up with another option and present it to them with an explaination why you would prefer this other treatment instead.

    Someone once posed me this question: why are you fighting so hard against trying this? I couldn't answer the question at first, then when I realized it was because I felt I was a failure if I tried it, some things came in focus. I wasn't against it as much as I thought it was admitting I had failed. So sometimes I have to stop and ask myself why I'm fighing against something I've never tried. Maybe you can ask yourself why you're fighting so hard to not let them help you in any of the ways they're trying. What's within your own mind that makes you so against trying?
    2685 days ago
    I just copied what I had written here and sent it to you via SparkMail.
    I felt it was a little too long,,, and maybe even just a little too private to share here.
    Keeping you in my prayers.
    Hugs & Love from (grammy) Audra
    2685 days ago
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