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Death and Renewal

Friday, December 20, 2013

I feel as though my heart is wanting me to say something about losing my friend and what transpired because of it. So here it goes....

His name was Chris. He was 25 and had a daughter who was 6. He died the first week of December. From what I've been told he was hiding out in the woods from his probation officer and froze to death in the snow.

He had always had trouble with the law and drugs. That was just Chris. I met him when I was 14, we went to school together. He was dating another friend. He was nice and always asked me how I was doing. Pretty soon after he'd give me a hug when we saw each other in the hall. He treated me like a little sister and I was happy to know him.

When I heard about his passing I was grief stricken. Even though I hadn't seen him in years he still was a part of me. He didn't deserve to die like that. I don't care that not everyone liked him or that he did drugs. He still didn't deserve that. He was kind and caring. He never did any wrong by me and I choose to remember him as my pal who I looked up to. He'll always have a place with me.

I promised to talk about what transpired after as well, so I'll try to be concise.
I grieved. I couldn't sleep and couldn't stand watching the news or murder/mysteries. I became snappy and started to loathe the holiday season. It went on like this for days. Family tried to comfort me but they only made it worse because they wanted to talk about it. Some people thought of him freezing to death as a joke or well-deserved.

Then something strange happened. One night while I was trying to sleep I felt warmth wash over me. I had been cold all that day and it was freezing in the house, but here I was with this sudden warmth. I felt somehow it was Chris letting me know it was time to let go. I told the dark, empty room thank-you and promised him that I would do better.

The next week I went to the doctor and got the pain in my arm and chest checked out that I had been ignoring, bursitis and tendonitis. I also started taking my vitamins, medications, and watching my portions. I even went to the study abroad office and talked to people about me going on my dream trip to London and Dublin. I'm now in the process of looking at the abroad Universities to see which classes I can take. I bought Christmas presents and sent out holiday cards. I put forth more effort in my studies and got an 85% on a final test. I came back to SparkPeople and I've been streaking for 6 days.

I'm not perfect though. I've had slip ups. I ate half a chocolate orange, two slices of bread, and 1/4 cup of garlic cheese chips in one sitting yesterday. I'm not exercising as much as I should and I berate myself too. It kinda hurts to do anything with the arms.
I get discouraged about the study abroad thing because I feel as though I really really want to go and it's possible but I shouldn't go because I would be shirking my duties and I'm too afraid. On the other hand I feel like something is hinting at the UK trip at being a defining thing for me because I dream about it all the time. I know, I know, I'm kind of silly and superstitious.

Secretly, I feel as though it's my heart aching sometimes and not the muscles in the shoulder and arm. The doctor says my blood pressure is high. The family say it's because I'm so large. They tell me that if I'd lose the weight I wouldn't be so ill or have the possibilities to have weight-related illness anymore. It's a bit insulting but I get it. I'm big and I'm ill with prediabetes and high blood pressure. If I knew how to fix it quicker I would I suppose, but gastric surgery that everyone here is talking about is just not for me. I don't want someone to slice me up. I'm trying and that's all I can do.

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  • no profile photo CD3468195
    So sorry to hear about your friend, he was so young, would bother me so to hear of this and it is not joke terrible way to die, no one deserves this. emoticon
    We are not perfect, we all have slip ups, glad to see you back here, good job taking your vitamins and medications and watching your portions, steps in the right direction.
    I like the idea about studying abroad, very exciting. emoticon
    2667 days ago
    I know you don't need to hear this, but my high blood pressure went away when I lost the weight. I had been taking medication for it. It felt really good not to need it anymore. And the look on my doctor's face was priceless. He was so happy.

    I am so sorry about your friend. Whatever pushed him to that extreme, it is not a joke, and it's not something anyone deserves to go through. {Hugs}
    2667 days ago
    I am sorry about your friend. It has to be hard to lose him that way, but I am glad that you're finding a positive way to move on. It does seem like that trip would be very life-changing for you, if you can make it happen. Stepping out of one's comfort zone is always rewarding and will make you imagine what else you can do.

    As far as the diet stuff, have you considered trying a lower-carb, paleo type approach? I'm far from perfect myself, but staying away from bread and processed foods as much as possible has made it so much easier to stay on track because the blood sugar swings that trigger cravings just disappear. It's really a great feeling, and very healthy, though not very many doctors recommend it because they're basically legally bound to teach to the USDA food guidelines.
    2667 days ago
    My dear, my profound condolences on the death of your friend. You're so right. Circumstances may not have been what they should have ben, but NOBODY deserves to die alone like that. I am so very sorry.

    There is such a huge connection between mind and body. Grief is one of those things that affects both mind and body. Profoundly.

    My dear brother passed away in Feb. 1982 fo a brain aneurysm. He died on his birthday @ age 27. MUCH too young. But that's what happened. Unspeakable grief, compounded by the fact that there was never closure. THAT was extremely difficult for me to deal with. I suspect that makes your grief all the more profound too.

    You know my brother left me signs too (and still does, almost 32 yrs. yrs. later!) that he was all right and I need to make the very best of my days here on Earth. It was eye opening, but also life changing . . . for the best.

    Your Chris did the same thing and you listened! I can only imagine how proud of you he is that you did listen and are taking care of yourself!

    My dear, I am glad you blogged about this. You know ,one thing that helped me greatly was writing a letter to my brother. I put it in his hands before saying goodbye @ the funeral. OMG, it broke my heart, BUT it was as close to closure as I was going to get. Maybe it would help you to write a letter to Chrisl I KNOW he'll see your message. My brother I know saw the letter I wrote to him!

    Ok, blabbering on. HUGS to you.

    I wish peace for you!
    2668 days ago
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