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That awkward moment when you have to work out to fit in your work out clothes...

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

So… I need to work out to fit into my work out clothes.


This isn’t really a laughing matter, but I can’t even be upset with myself.

These past few months have been hellish or me.

1. I ended a two-and-a-half year, long-distance relationship with a man that I loved but was not in love with. I know on an intuitive level , deep in my gut, that I have made the right decision. Being with him meant sacrificing my happiness (chasing him chase his job across the country). I also believe that love makes you more of who you are, not less. When I’m finally with the right person I will be able to love us both. In the meantime, I'm still recovering from this.

2. My grandparents, who had a very large hand in raising me, were recently hospitalized. My grandma was moved to Hospice this week. Sitting by her bedside is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I recently realized that it’s also one of the bravest things that I have ever done. I don’t do goodbyes well, not even see you laters. But by God am I going to be at that hospital.

3. I applied to graduate school. I was accepted a week later. I was sitting in a virtual classroom the week after that. I have always wanted to get my Master’s in Mental Health Counseling, so I am going to. The time will pass either way, so it’s time to do something for me. (And it’s also time to mentally put the loans on the back burner. Obsessing over my debt will not make the indentured servitude go away, lol.)

4. Speaking of money, I have none. It has been difficult to go grocery shopping. I have been working as much as possible, but it’s stressful regardless. I'm doing the best that I possibly can.

5. While there is no such thing as a geographical cure, I am currently in the process of moving from one apartment to another in my building. I need a fresh start. (And the newer appliances, nicer carpet, security of being off of ground level while I work in Corrections, and temperature control are nothing to scoff at, either.)

6. My nine-year-old sister’s father just went to prison. Again. This is affecting my immediate family immensely.

I haven’t cared about diet or exercise. My give a damn has been busted. Though my weight has been up for the past year or so, I have managed to taper off and more or less maintain despite everything. I am still down 75 pounds. Had the same events transpired a few years ago, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would be well over 300 pounds. There is more acceptance and strength here now.

Quite frankly, I’m tired. I’m hoping for an energizing 2014.

…One where my work out clothes fit.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sounds like quite the year. I hope things get better this year for you and yours. Keep the Faith.
    2286 days ago
    Wow, you really are dealing with a lot. I can relate to the ending of your relationship. It's so hard to let someone go, even when you know you're doing the right thing. It's especially hard this time of year, I think. You're doing an amazing job with both your physical and mental health...your attitude is going to make all the difference! I'm here if you want to talk about anything (I'm a social worker in a nursing home, so I deal a lot with "end-of-life" care and counseling.)
    2695 days ago
    You do have a lot on your plate! I am so sorry about your Grandmother...when I am in that position, the last thing I can see myself stressing about is diet and exercise. I hope 2014 brings you peace, joy, and health.

    I am adding you too...you seem like a pretty awesome person! :)
    2699 days ago
    All the best, in 2014 !
    2701 days ago
    I had to add you as a friend because I see some similarities with your experiences and mine. I went through a very difficult breakup that I am still mourning. It does make you a stronger person, but not until you realize what you are capable of. I`m not blaming the other person, but I feel like I have been able to let go of so many anxieties and meet such wonderful people after the fact. It has let me become even more mature. I feel like I`m going back to the same person who could think much more abstractly about the world.

    I`m also a palliative RN. I want to tell you that what you are choosing to do by being there for your loved one is amazing. It is exactly what she needs. There a level of peace that is achieved from having family/close friends present compared to those who do not have support. This is not an easy time, and there are no words that can describe it.

    Reading over your blog, I can only imagine how stressed and overwhelmed you are. But I can say that you are a very intelligent, selfless and insightful person. You have been through a lot, and with strength like that, you can get anywhere you want to be. Keep faith. emoticon
    2704 days ago
    Ash, you are in my thoughts. Right now, my phone doesn't work but after Friday you can call me! I am here for you! (My workout clothes are super tight, too!) emoticon
    2704 days ago
  • OOLALA53
    Geesh! I feel like I'm living Little Bo Peep's life in comparison. However, I've been through some of my most stressful times while staying on plan. It actually makes things better to eat moderately and regularly. Who knew eating well could be the lifeboat in a storm?
    2704 days ago
  • KITT52
    big hugs, live happens....you will be stronger that you over came these obstacles

    Keep taking care of yourself....you are important....

    Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy 2014
    2704 days ago
    Oh WOW. You have a LOT going on now. Keep taking deep breaths and you will get through this. I teared up when I read about your grandma. You would regret it later if you did not spend time with her, so good for you and her that you are there even though it is hard.

    As for letting go of someone you love, that's another test. You cannot lose YOU, no matter how much you love someone else. That is settling. Don't ever settle for less than you deserve Ashley. You deserve someone that "gets" you.

    Sending you emoticon hugs and wishing you some peace and acceptance to move on.
    2704 days ago
    2704 days ago
    Don't be too hard on yourself. Life is not fair but hopefully after we have rested after the holidays, we can get back into our grove and work-out clothes.
    2704 days ago
    Sending you hugs. You are becoming a very strong person. Strong people often forget to take care of themselves. emoticon
    2704 days ago
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