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Finding My Faith In Myself

Friday, November 22, 2013

I am told I am not "obese" by my family and friends, but when the doctor diagnosed me as being so earlier this year I started second guessing everything about my "ME" I have been working on.

I was skinny once and I was a smoker at the same time. I quit smoking and got "big".

I drank for a while and lost weight and partied less and worked more and got "big".

I seem to have always had a "habit" of some sort or another to "release" when needed: smoking, drinking or eating. I don't smoke (quit 5 years and 4 1/2 months ago), I don't have a lot of freedom to drink very often (minus special occasions such as holidays) and now I've been put on such a severe "new eating path" that I can't "eat my stress" away.

These days I'm losing weight, keeping up with projects at home, going to my son's baseball games, being a model employee at work (over-looking the treatment being received there), trying to be a good daughter, a good wife, a good sister, a good mother, a good niece, a good friend, a good aunt, a good god-mother, and an overall good person. While I'm so busy quitting my old (while unhealthy) stress relief processes and taking care of everything everwhere I feel I should be, I'm losing myself. I no longer have faith in myself taking care of me because I no longer seem to do it. I put everything and everyone first and a few weeks ago, it began to become apparent to those closest to me the toll it is taking.

I have trouble dealing with even the smallest amounts of stress these days. I haven't taken a "ME" day in nearly 7 years. I'm planning a vacation day on Monday next week. I'm trying to push my son off on to his grandmother for the weekend until Tuesday of next week (he's out of school all next week). My husband just got the cold I've been suffering through this whole week, but I would really like him to go have a guys' weekend or something. I need more than just a day to figure out who I am now, but a weekend and a day will give me enough time to develop faith in myself and figure out who I seem to be evolving into these days....
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