Tuesday, September 10, 2013
I really wanted to bake cookies tonight.
I wanted the soft gooey insides of that chocolate chip cookie.
I wanted to put an Oreo inside the cookie. Mmm Inception Cookies
I thought about the ways I could bake cookies without eating them all myself.
I could go to a friends house and bake. They could help me eat those cookies.
1 cookie can't be worth all that many calories, I thought. It's just a cookie.
But if you give a binger a cookie, she's going to want some milk.
If you give a binger some milk, she's going to want another cookie.
If she still has milk, she's going to want another cookie.
Until there are no more cookies for her to eat.
The guilt comes in a wave afterwards. Why did I let this happen?
Which spirals further into self-loafing destructive behavior.
I screwed it up again. It doesn't even matter now. Yes I'd like a large Peanut Butter fudge shake, please.
I passed up the market, I passed up the friends' house. I passed up the fast food.
I stopped at the gym.
I did intervals of 3.5 and 6.6 mph for 2 miles. 2 minute walk, 1 minute run.
I was at 95% of my max heart rate.
I licked my lips.
The sweat tasted better than a cookie.
It's funny how a thought can consume your mind. Completely take over as you contemplate on how to get that satisfaction. Rationalizing any way possible to get the fix you want. Trying to make your desire seem logical.
Sweets are my drug. I've been weaning off. Having bits of chocolate here and there - my methadone. Strictly regulating my intake. I ran out of my methadone tonight.
I don't think I'll be getting more.