I am really too sensitive, and too easily scared.
I have written about that swedish support group that I think has been the key to my current success with the weight, I love to look at the diagrams the leader makes every week, I don´t know what will happen when the week arrives where I have not made progress but so far I am doing so good and am really scared to lose that flow.
And as I wrote earlier a lady reacted in the daily chat thread that it was too many "Deep analyses" and she could not associate to bingeing – and the result was that a special thread was set up for binging and deep analyses, and the chat thread was said to be for "positive comments". I said that this confused me, and got some answers that really triggers me - sort of pat on the head "don´t feel that way..." in my earlier life I would have left the group then - not in a tantrum or with protests, just silently sneak out the back door because that is what I do when I get scared. I leave the place and go somewhere else.
But I decided to lay low and post only positive (and short) stuff in the daily chat. I do have another team on the same site where there are no restrictions, on the contrary, long discussions are appreciated. And as I want the diagrams and the discussions I thought it would be fine to keep short in the one group and save my advanced thinking (
) to the other.
And now the first group starts to grumble - they don´t think it is okay to have two different threads they want it to go back to where we were... Mainly a lady who is obviously tougher than me, she has been away for a week and have not been involved in this development.
And the lady that first complained says that she reacted to "some writing very long posts (me!) " which made her feel left out.
This is a REALLY sensitive trigger to me - in all my life people have told me I am too much. Speaking too much, laughing too loud, having too many opinions... and to me, internet has been such a blessing because you never take any space from anyone, everyone has as much space she wants. If I write long posts it does not limit the space for anyone else. And as long as I am not aggressive or disrespectful I do not silence anyone - or so I think.
And of course this is that lady's problem, not mine. But it makes me feel bad about myself and I cannot stand up for myself in this. And what happens is that people is not satisfied with me being silent either, and I do agree, the group became a lot more boring when all there was, was , "great job!""Feeling okay today" I have a hard time but will not give up"... I thought it was only me but obviously the other members are reacting also.
My dilemma now is if I shall tell them my feelings - it will probably cause some "passive-aggressive" posts from some, that will hurt me. It will probably also cause some interesting and supportive posts from other members of the group.
The bottom line is - do I want to be in that group? Yes, I do as I think it is crucial to the weight loss success I am having for the moment. Am I willing to fight for my right to be me? Maybe not, I am being me, just not expressing it in the chat room....
To be continued...