Another half kilo down this week
and without any last-chance-workout...
Today I am going to a choir workshop 45 minute drive from home. It was advertised as a workshop with many styles - gospel and more, I saw it in the paper and thought it might be a nice occupation on a saturday.
Then I asked my dog watcher if she liked to join, she is becoming a friend. But that is not why I asked her, I asked her because she has growing problems with anxiety, has started to abuse alcohol and her worst time are weekends when she does not have the dogs and other appointments to care for. And I know she likes music so I thought she might like to accompanie me.
This gives me just a little stress ad I realised that I have since long the habit of doing these things alone. It started in gymnasium - at 16-17 years of age when I was going out to disco, clubs or other fun stuff at weekends. The "normal" normal thing to do was to go with a friend - come together and leave together. This created some stress as it happened that one of us met somebody and wanted to stay on longer, while the other wanted to go home. I have spent many hours waiting from friends who wanted to flirt a little more before we left – as I have spent many hours stressing because I know my friend wanted to leave but I talked her int staying on.
So at one point I decided to go alone and meet the friends at the disco/club whatever. I knew they would be there, we lived in a small town and it was about the same poeple every time. I remember that the first time was horrible. I came alone, nobody had arrived yet and I sat alone at a table for a while. I felt stupid and thought that everybody was looking (which they probably were not) After som time others came too and it worked out well. And after some moths of it I never even reflected, it was natural to come alone and go home alone and very convienient to come and leav as I pleased...
So it is kind of natural for me to attend things alone - I trst that I will meet nice people at the activity and have fun. And I mostly do, it happens that others are so stuck with their own friends that they don´t seem inteterested in getting to know new people but that is rare.
So having this friend along stresses me as we go in my car. It means that I will be apprehensive about her mood, is she okay, does she want to go home? And what if I find it boring, I must stay the whole time if she wants to.
This is the kind of stress I carry. It is silly and I need to practise to let go of it and be responsible for myself and my needs. I think it might be extra hard because I did it out of pity and it is my suggestion - I will now feel responsble if it is a bad and boring workshop and I will be extra sensitive to her mood all the time.
Typical codependancy, this I will work with because it is fun and practical to have company when good things happen.
And I need to start knitting again...: