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Scared and afraid.

Friday, August 16, 2013

My neck pain and migraine headaches have gotten to the point where I was on the phone with my pain management specialist's office begging them for an emergency appointment for trigger point injections (where lidocaine is injected right into the nerve) to relieve me of some of the pain. It usually only lasts for a few days but I was hoping it could break the cycle. I was told no appointments were available before September. SEPTEMBER!!!

I have been in bed for the last week and a half, for the most part, as the respite of sleep is the only escape I have had from my migraine headaches. The neck pain has worsened. The surgeon I saw several weeks ago said he would not operate until I lost at least 100 pounds. He told me to go forward with a gastric bypass so I could lose the weight quickly. I was going to go to the out of town specialist, but my surgery would be at least 8 months away (if not more). I think I can find a local doctor to do it much more quickly. And then I won't have to drive 1 1/2 hours to all of my medical appointments related to the bypass.

I really can't wait any longer. I have to do the bypass. I have no choice.

I have not been eating crazy, but have not been regularly checking my blood sugar, have not kept track of my intake. However, the adjustments that I made in my eating has helped my blood sugar, as the levels are not so bad when I do check them. That at least a good thing.

But I have not been losing weight.

I feel like I should be in assisted living. I need help to shower. I am totally dependent on another to make meals, do my laundry, to do everything for me. It's not fair to the person who does this, as they have their own medical issues to contend with.

I...am sorry to vent. I feel like I should erase all of my blogs and spark page and totally start anew, from scratch, so to speak.

I apologize for this sounding like one big "pity party." I am not looking for any pity. Many people have it much worse than I do, I know. I really do.

But I am growing desperate. Very desperate. And I am afraid. Scared and afraid.

Why have I been fat all of my life? Why? Why? WHY???!!!???

It's like I am not even human anymore. Every time I go to the doctor's office (my primary) I feel like my doctor says "get the gastric bypass. When you lose the weight, your neck pain will be better, your migraines will go away, you will not need a c-pap machine to sleep anymore." I went to this doctor originally because he never just looked to my morbid obesity as the source of all of my problems. He is my uncle (my Mom's brother) but he usually has a PA or another doctor in the practice see me now. He is a really good doctor, the best I have ever had. He just seems to have kind of given up on me.

Maybe he feels that I have given up on myself.

What do I do?

No. I know what to do. I'm not stupid. I have to take the first step. I need to start be proactive. Track my food, meal plan, healthier eating, get a local doctor for the gastric bypass, get an updated sleep study for my sleep apnea, see if I can get my health insurance to pay for my membership to an aquatic and fitness center for exercise in water (everything else has been too painful). I have tried PT. Not impressed. Always gotten hurt when I went to one.

I have to make a new beginning. Baby steps, right. Even a hike up the tallest mountain starts with a single step, right?

Peace out.

Namaste.

Amen.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LESLIELENORE
    Chronic pain is nerve wracking! You seem to have a list of things you know you need to do. Now you just have to get your ducks in a row and do them. It is okay to be scared when it is your life on the line!

    emoticon
    2799 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4572709
    Hey, there is NOTHING wrong with coming out and saying how you feel and looking for support.. I would have said that is what this site is for. Why have you been fat all your life? Something sparked it just like it did in me and then you found it impossible to keep control for any amount of time. It's a HORRIBLE condition and I think just as debilitating as my husbands diabetes.

    You get that surgery, there is no shame in needing a little help. I went and looked into it and decided against it, I love food too much! So I had to learn to eat in a totally different way and I had to change my attitude. Note I said.. I. You really have to do this yourself..

    The only person you should be worrying about giving up on you... is YOU. emoticon
    2799 days ago
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