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Where have you been?!

Saturday, August 03, 2013

Well, here's the answer to that question.
It started before I stopped checking in here. Back in May, my thyroid levels got off and I gained some weight because of it. I got discouraged. REALLY discouraged. I started making compromises in my meal plans. Not so much how much I was eating at first, but the quaility of food I was eating. Quick meal replacements like protein bars and protein drinks instead of fixing a meal. I know in a pinch those are not a bad idea, but depression was setting in and that was fast becoming my norm. To bring some variety to the table I would grab some organic popcorn or organic corn chips with salsa.
Right now my diet consists of usually oatmeal and a protein bar or JUST the protein bar in the morning, maybe a frozen Lean Cuisine for lunch and most likely either 2 protein bars or chinese food from the HyVee Deli for dinner and almost always a pint of Greek frozen yogurt after I put Lucy in her kennel. I've gained back about 15 pounds.
I sleep until I have just enough time to shower and get dressed and get out the door for work. A lot of days I'm late. If I have a day off I spend most of the day sleeping. Yes, I know, depression.
I'm seeing my therapist. A lot has happened and it all came to a head today.
My therapist and I joke because even when I'm bad I can't be bad unhealthy. I still can't go have a big fat burger. Won't let myself. I still watch my portions when I eat out. I still order the lean things on the menu when we go to a restaurant. But let me tell you, you can gain weight eating organic blue chips and salsa and organic popcorn by the bagful while you're watching TV instead of walking or working out. And those pints of frozen greek yogurt really vary in calories by who makes them!! And on the bad nights when one pint turns into two...look out!!
Discouragement #1 - My weight loss got off track when my thyroid levels got off track.
Discouragement #2 - My boss, who weighs the same as me, had the laparascopic wrap done and he was out of the hospital the next day and feels wonderful and has already dropped 20 pounds.
Discouragement #3 - My closest friend in the world, and my co-grandma went home to be with Jesus last Saturday and we laid her to rest today. I know her suffering is finally over, for which I am so grateful, but she will be sorely missed in my life.
The reality is, with Diane gone, I am Audrey Jane's only grandma. If I don't get my junk together and get healthy, she may not have a grandma at all. And besides, I feel like crap (sorry for being crude).
I joined the YMCA somewhere along the path while I was offline with all my Sparkfriends, thinking I would get motivated and start going. I'm getting ready to pay my second monthly premium in a couple of days and haven't been there once. I even have three free training sessions coming.
Thanks for the messages while I've been away. it means alot that you missed me. It tells me there really is support here if I want it.
I know what it all comes down to is what it came down to when i started...I have to make a decision. My finances are in a bind right now and eating healthy isn't cheap. I know there are supposed to be ways around that. But buying fresh fruits is still pricey. I have to work hard to make this happen. I have to start moving again obviously. We've had such hot weather I haven't wanted to walk...thus the gym membership. I have to make myself get up and go before work. Have to get this depression thing under control so I can get out of bed.
Side note: My psychiatrist had to quit giving me samples of one of my regular drugs because he lost his rep. Medicare decided I didn't need it and refused to pay for it. I can't afford to pay for it out of pocket, so we are messing with my meds to top off everything else.
SO...long story short, there is a lot going on, but I want to get back on track. I need to get back on track.
My daughter comes home from Turkey tonight. I get to pick her up from the airport in about an hour. Haven't seen her in three weeks. A bright spot!! I'm going to wrap this up so I can get ready to go pick her up.
Again, thanks for your little messages. I appreciate all of them!!

Keep on keepin on...I'm glad you did

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD575791
    emoticon a lot is going on
    2722 days ago
  • MARIANNE9855
    I'm so glad you are back. I was out of it more than in the past two months but finally pushed myself to get back to WWs- found out I've really only gained back about 3 pounds- liked the different leader better and the theme was about slipups. I've been off sparkpeople because my computer died but I am borrowing my son's to at least get on part of the time.
    I totally get the depression part- I've had depressed feelings recently just appear out of nowhere for a couple days to a week. I am lucky I feel better now.
    Two of my clients I see are so depressed they don't go anywhere but to see me- I try to encourage them to go out or walk or something or identify what's different etc but don't get anywhere but one says hes feel better by coming. Depression is such an exhausting disease-sorry about your meds I hope you can find something you can afford
    Even though you are sleeping a lot- keep going to work and out with family and to see your therapist- it will get better. And I know you know as well as I- exercise does help your depression. I just forced myself today to get on bike for 20 min it had been almost a month since the last time.

    I guess I am rambling but I am so glad you are back and anything I can do to help-just let me know! emoticon emoticon

    2728 days ago
    I've wondered about you...glad you're back!! Keep Sparkin'!!
    2728 days ago
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