Pass the Bread, Please
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
4. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the
body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread.
The effects are obviously cumulative:
- 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
- 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents
ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
- 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a
low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
5. Pass a law to limit all use of bread to two slices
-From Hardy Diagnostics, "Microbytes"