The first entry was a very protracted way of my discussing an argument that I had with my father last week.
As I said previously, I have been unable to work since 2011, and have consequently been forced by these circumstances to apply for Social Security/Disability. It takes between 1 1/2 to 3 years to schedule a hearing with Social Security after your initial denial of benefits; I applied about 11 months ago.
Once my short term NY state disability and unemployment ran out, my only option left seemed to be to apply for public assistance. After a couple of months passed, I still had not applied for welfare and my father asked my why I had not done so. I explained that the building where one applied was the ground floor of a busy office building frequented by both colleagues I had worked with as an attorney over the last 20 years, as well as some political adversaries (I was fairly active in local politics for 15 years before moving to Florida). I acknowledged that my Mom certainly could not help until the disability benefit is approved. And he clearly indicated that he could not afford to do so.
I was very depressed and contemplated some awful stuff. Many may see this as pride and hubris on my part. I have nothing per se with applying for public assistance when one truly needs it. just found it untenable for me to do so locally, given the reasons cited above.
About 18 years ago, my Dad told my sister and I that he was setting up a trust for both of us, and that we would both be able to draw on it when we reached retirement age. However, given the stock market slips over the years, I believe that the size of the trust for each of us has diminished considerably. I had never asked him to take money from the trust now. But, having heard what I said, he decided to cash out almost half of the trust for me to live until my social security benefit is approved. My Dad has also been paying for health insurance for me for the last 10 months, a rather expensive proposition. He has been there financially when I really needed him. But it always took a requisite amount of grovelling and debasement before he would agree to do so.
Money has always been an extreme trigger with my Dad. And the reason became crystal clear when I got into an argument with him on Sunday. You see, I finally got him to admit that he believes that since he is holding the "purse strings," so to speak, that he has the right to treat me any way that he wants, even if that involves verbal and emotional abuse. He flat out said that if I did not like it that I could stop taking his money. I got him to repeat this several times during our "argument," which started when we went for coffee after seeing a movie together.
The actual genesis of the conflict is one that has played out over and over again over the course of my relationship with him. The basic issue is this and always has been this: he believes that his status as my father allows him to treat me any way that he wishes, whether verbally demeaning or provocative. He believes that is his G-d given right as a parent.
Now, let me say at this point that my father has been a good provider. But the money never came without the requisite debasement, which goes something like this: "I am just like my mother, a poor manager of money. I always have been like this. I have no self discipline and lack self restraint. I am an emotionally weak person. And I have failed to reach my full potential, basically because I am lazy and undisciplined." This event usually culminates in me breaking down into tears, which he sees as another sign of weakness, as I do not have full control over my emotional composure. It seems that most often in recent years that my emotional breakdown happens in a public place, which he finds embarrassing I know I do.
This most recent event last Sunday involved him losing his temper at me because he was having a migraine headache. I suggested that we cut our coffee visit short, but he said he did not want to do that. He says he thinks I am passive aggressive and that I display hostility towards him non verbally. He cited a specific example of each and I agreed with him. I then talked about how he was then speaking to me (tone, wording, etc) and said that I felt that he enjoyed jerking me around and yanking my chain because I was currently financially dependent on him. He again said that if I did not like it that I could stop taking his money.
And there we have it, folks. My Dad is right. He's always right.
I am 48 years and flat out broke. Much of it was connected to the "health problems" that led me to relocate to Florida in the first place. But, I slowly built up a life for myself again. Which I lost when I became unable to work in 2011.
I don't know why I am writing this in my blog. I will probably take it down within the next week.
But this is the stuff that triggers me to overeat. One of many triggers. I had my parent triggers solved: 1500 miles between us was all I needed to get along with my parents. Unfortunately, until my health stabilizes, that is not an option.