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Friday, July 12, 2013

So I'm currently reading Food: The Good Girl's Drug

What have I learned so far? Well, I've reinforced that I do, in fact, have an eating disorder. This darn book is written like the author knows me all too well. Of course, just as the book predicted last night, I'm waiting for the part that "heals" me so I can get skinny. Yep, that's disordered thinking, y'all. So far there have been no answers, just a lot of head nodding and, as of last night, a little sadness. I know I'm broken, but I want to be fixed...but I don't know that this book, or any book, is going to do that for me. Silly me, I always thought I'd just one day break the cycle. I've fought so hard in my life to break every cycle and statistic. I knew buying a house would be one big step in proving I had moved on from the expectations of a pregnant 18 year old whose life seemed completely out of control. But the more I read the more I think that I will never be "fixed" and will never NOT have an eating disorder. So maybe this book will help me learn how to live with my eating disorder...and maybe, just maybe, it will help me forgive myself and allow myself the freedom to love myself no matter how fat or skinny or out of control my life seems.

While I read this book, I'm a little afraid and a little put off dieting in the way that I know. I know it's a symptom of my eating disorder to be overly restrictive and overexercise. It's likely how I sustained my injury in the first place. So I'm trying to be patient with myself and work through this first. And when this book is done, I have another in my Amazon cart.

I guess the only good thing that is coming out of this is that I'm no longer content with simply losing weight. I want to heal. I want to love myself. I want to feel okay in my own body. I look at pictures from just a couple years ago when I was running and working out religiously and I think, "Man! I wish I was back there again!" and then I think, "But I was still SO fat!" I realize that I'll never be okay with myself, never be fully confident with myself at any weight until I learn to be confident and loving toward myself at EVERY weight. It's something I thought I had down last time I started this journey, but I guess I was just fooling myself. I was letting my eating disorder lead me and I'm just not ready to keep doing that for the rest of my life.

The truth is, I've learned this behavior from everyone around me. Part of it might be genetic. I honestly believe both my parents have suffered and may continue to suffer with binge eating disorder. I used to watch my mother sneak spoonfulls of frosting straight from the jar. I watched my father eat way more food than any normal person needed. My entire family celebrates and loathes food at the same time. We get together for Thanksgiving and either stuff ourselves full or restrict ourselves...and then we praise those who restrict themselves and sit and talk about how we're all fat and need to lose weight. As far back as my Grandmother, this has been our tradition...and I picked it up easily. My perfectionist nature made it even more dangerous a habit for me to learn. The constant dieting I was pushed into as a child probably didn't help. And I don't even have to guess how the fact that I have always been a constant disappointment to my real father plays a role in all of this.

So, I guess for now I'm understanding myself more and why I am the way I am. I understand a little better why I binge and restrict and overexercise. I understand the driving forces behind that...now it's time to learn how to cope and overcome those urges and become a HEALTHY person. Not skinny. Not "normal"...whatever that is. I need to learn to have a HEALTHY relationship with food.

I'll let you all know how that turns out! *lol* Maybe somewhere along the way I can help someone else feel like they aren't alone or a failure for not being able to lose weight like they "should".... But really I'm just hoping to help myself here. I need to show myself some love and attention for a bit and stop blaming myself for everything.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I've always believed that my mental struggle is WAY more challenging than the physical one. Unpacking all of that stuff is painful but so enlightening.
    2852 days ago
  • SUGIRL06
    Glad to see you found a book that has spoken to you. I think sometimes we all just need that trigger (I've had a couple of books that have done that). You are right, you need to heal both mentally and physically in this journey! And love yourself! I'm glad you are finding the way that works for you :)
    2854 days ago
    Sounds like a lot of brilliance to me...we move forward when we learn to love ourselves where we are and work on improving ourselves while we love ourselves.
    2855 days ago
    Sometimes the mental part of this journey is SO MUCH HARDER than the physical part...hence why we get caught up in exercise-exercise-exercise to feel powerful and then eat, eat, eat still. I do the same thing. So this epiphany is VERY IMPORTANT and I think you are right - this is the beginning of learning how to deal with it in a healthy way! You can do this, girl!!!
    2855 days ago
    I am so glad to see you back! I was wondering about you. I'm gonna have to catch up. I've been out of commission myself, with a nasty cold (bronchitis?).

    I am going to check out this book too. Congrats on the house -- I will be catching up on your blogs! emoticon back! -Connie
    2855 days ago
  • _DASH_
    hey!! i'm back. i love this blog post because i can so relate to it and i'm definitely going to check out that book.
    have you read women food and god by geneen roth?

    i recommend "a hunger so wide and so deep" by becky w thompson. that book changed my life. it was incredibly illuminating and to me felt really empowering.

    i'm so glad to see your regular blog posts - i am cruising the "neighborhood" to catch up on people.
    2858 days ago
    Understanding is the first step toward healing. Yay you! emoticon
    2858 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4764832
    Esther, bravo, I just know you are strong enough to heal yourself! Stick with it every step of the way, use every resource you can and I know you will get the results you want!!

    2858 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Great blog, thanks for sharing your journey with us!
    2858 days ago
    Oh Esther, nice to see you again. Congrats on the new house and job.

    2858 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12398671
    This is brilliant. I am looking at this entire journey as healing on several levels. My self image was destroyed, literally, over the last decade and I know that a huge part of the work I'm doing now isn't about the food. It's about the self worth to nurture and care for myself. I come from a food dysfunctional family as well. Your Thanksgiving story describes us perfectly. Not to mention my dh has issues as well. So while going through this self discovery can feel isolating, remember you're not alone. If you ever want to reach out, please do so. You're doing amazing things with your life right now just by stopping the cycle of self blame.
    2858 days ago
    Great blog....loving yourself is the doorway to a happy life :)
    2858 days ago
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