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Saturday, June 15, 2013

A sparkfriend of mine suggested that I start blogging again. I've had the urge, but it has seemed as though my mind has been leaning toward negativity and toward feeling down on myself. I didn't want to whine or complain. I didn't want to rain on anyone's parade. Negative thinking can truly be detrimental in the process of change, but venting whether negative or positive, can be a healthy way to rid of those negative emotions. So, I won't call it "venting" (that sounds negative). I'll call it "expressing myself". It just sounds positive. I didn't think about the fact that sparkpeople may choose to read on or refrain from continuing. It's all about choices, right?

I have to admit that I also have struggled to get going. The first step has been knowing that this lifestyle does not work for me. The lifestyle that I slipped back into, resulted in an unhappy Amy. Living a healthy lifestyle isn't about just eating and exercise. It is also about living happily. I realize that I may have worked real hard on watching my food intake and exercise, but all the mental anquish still remained.

Unfortunately, it has taken an unexpected event to finally start caring for myself, when this should be what I do daily. These moments seem to be the ones that seem terrible at first, but then seem as though they were meant to happen. You know the saying, "Things happen for a reason!" Well, it was meant to be. So, I began going to therapy. I know...some people cringe at the word "THERAPY!". I, however, am very open to it. Not only do I know that I have a lot of baggage to sort through and maybe even toss overboard, but I am determined to live my life taking good care of myself.

I want to know why this addiction to food, whether it is consoling, whether I am hiding behind the layers of fat...whatever! I need to know why and what triggers me, in order to take control of it. Yes, I said the word ADDICTION. For me, it is exactly what we have here. Some people may not understand it in such a way. I researched the signs and thought I could post some, but the list goes on and on, differs slightly...most importantly I keep saying, yes, yes, and yes.

I found some troubling questions that are quite eye opening. Here's a couple...

- Do you think about food most of your day?
(Probably, but I did when I was eating healthy too.)

- Do you sometimes eat behind closed doors, to prevent others from seeing what or how much your eating?
(This is disturbing, but disgustingly true! I guess the car door counts.)

The more I read on, the more it broke my heart. This isn't just a person who makes some bad choices when it comes to food intake. This isn't just a battle between cookies and carrots. This is a HUGE issue for me and I need to gain control over it and overcome this addiction. Most importantly, I need to get mentally healthy in order to be successful.

I've started, then had a day of overindulging and threw the attempt out the window. I restarted, then felt as though if I was ready I'd be dedicated and I wasn't...so I stopped and went back to bad habits. I've thought about it A LOT, but they were just thoughts...not actions. I've felt like I'd fail over and over if I try AGAIN at this weight loss gig, so I even have "thought" about LapBand procedure (which a friend tried to convince me of doing. She's been successful at such a lifestyle.) I, however, do not want to live the rest of my life RESTRICTED. I do not want to do something that I find an unhealthy way of weight loss, when I can do it in a natural healthy manner (done it!). Funny thing....read about it...read the diet PRE and POST...laughed thinking that I could lose a tone of weight just eating the crap they are subject to before and after....haha Liquids...mmmm....ensure....mm
mm....morsels of food...greaaaaaaaat. I think I even read no dairy EVER...no soda EVER? I forget. I was turned off more and more as I read. Not appealing. Band slippage? A possibility? You have to be kidding me! By no means do I want to give in to such a thing. If I was 600lbs and found it hard to walk, maybe I would be desperate to move! Although, I gotta say...if I continue on this road, I may be looking in the mirror at a 600lb woman before ya know it! TIME FOR CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess my point is that I HAVE been doing a lot of work so far, when I thought I've done nothing just because I haven't put good food choices into effect. The thought process and being mentally ready is probably the most important part of getting started and being successful. I'm working on me. I'm working on making better choices in many aspects of my life, not just with food/exercise. I'm here on sparkpeople. That matters A LOT! I'm trying and even if I have moments where I fall off a bit, it is soooooooooooooo important to get back on and continue. After all this isn't temporary. This isn't a month long experience. This isn't an "I want to lose weight so I can look beautiful on my wedding day." (reason #1) This isn't an "I want to lose weight so I can enjoy being active with my fiance' and children" (reason #2) This isn't an "I want to lose weight so I can get on a plane and take my boys to Disney!" (reason #3) This isn't an "I want feel confident when I enter a room." (reason #4) This isn't an "I want to stop asking for a table/chairs, not a booth that I can barely fit in." (reason #5) The reasons and wants go on and on and on............
My long term goal? It's a feeling, not a look. It's the most important thing in this journey called life...is that I just WANT to smile and be happy. Plain and simple.

End of this story. Today, I begin writing my next novel!!

To my special sparkfriend who inspired me to write this blog. Thank you for never losing touch, despite my long hiatus. You see...in regards to your "tree analogy" (explained in a blog What kind of person are you? - https://sparkpeo.hs.llnwd.net/e1/myp

You, my friend, are a one of my favorite Root People! emoticon

For reference purposes, because calling a person a ROOT PERSON is kind of funny...haha


If you can find some people in your life who are like the roots of a tree then you have found something special. Like the roots of a tree, they are hard to find because they are not trying to be seen. Their only job is to hold you up and help you live a strong and healthy life. If you thrive, they are happy. They stay low key and don't let the world know that they are there. And if you go through an awful storm they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up, come what may, and to nourish you, feed you and water you.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    WOW, great blog, we are all sometimes afraid to say aloud those deep darker thoughts we are thinking, but its part of getting them out, taking a deep breath and moving on. we all have looked at so many weight lose options and weighed our pros and cons and have all started and restarted so many times. its nice to know someone else is feeling the same way as I do sometimes. Thanks for "expressing yourself" I needed to connect and know I am not alone and you helped! emoticon
    2428 days ago
    2433 days ago
    Amy, that's great that you're finding your way back. I think therapy is great, I attended OA meeting for a while and life got in the way. You can do this! *HUGS*
    2439 days ago
    2440 days ago
    I am do glad you are still on the journey to good health. I can relate to much of what you have written. I think you are wise to work on the reasons you turn to food for comfort, otherwise, there won't ' be lasting change. I am doing the same! I don't care as much about what the scale says now, it's more about how I feel about myself, the choices I make to nurture myself in a healthy way.

    I think you are doing really well. Keep working on you, all of you, mind, body and spirit!
    2440 days ago
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    2440 days ago
  • KERRYG155
    Great blog!! Glad your friend talked you into it. I fully understand what you're talking about and have considered counseling or something. Sometimes it seems you find a person who understands and you're able to talk with and then they turn into pushers who obviously don't understand. emoticon
    2440 days ago
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