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My caboose is in reverse.

Monday, June 10, 2013

I finally found something that works for me. And my long…VERRRRRY long…weight loss journey has finally proved successful.

I started a plan in February, 2013 (2/25/13). Since then I have lost 30 pounds. Co-workers, family, and friends are all noticing. I am receiving compliments about my appearance and for the first time in a really long time, I feel attractive.

I went from a size 14/16 to a 10. I have a pair of pants that say they're an "8", but I am 100% sure they were mis-marked. I don't care. I'm still saying I can get into an "8". :) At least in those pants.

My goal is lose an additional 15-30 pounds.

But, I'm stuck. I have been stuck for the last 3 weeks. It's not that I've hit a plateau. I've lost my driving force. I've lost my motivation.

I am absolutely terrified about gaining all of the weight back, but that has not stopped me from going off my plan WAAAAAY more than I should. My doctor advised me that perfection is not the goal - consistency is. I am such a black & white thinker and am either all in or all out - I don't know why I'm that way, and it drives me bananas. But, such is life. So, when I first started, I was 100%. No cheating, no deviating, no "just this once..."

My doctor was pleased with my progress, but concerned that I was too strict and needed to lighten up a bit or I was setting myself up for disaster. So, she advised me to follow the 80/20 rule. Stick to the plan 80% of the time, but allow yourself to deviate 20% of the time. Don't put it all in "good or bad" categories. Live your life. Eat your birthday cupcake. Have the cocktail on your date night. Don't torture yourself if you deviate from the plan. Just get back on it and work that 80%.

Lately, it's been more like 40/60….I'm on plan about 40% of the time. The remaining 60% - I'm doing whatever I want. And I cannot seem to stop myself. Even after I eat something I shouldn't be eating - and I feel that shame spiral begin, and I feel sick...I just keep going. Like a crazy person. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. I am officially insane. And the worst part is that I know I'm insane! But, I cannot seem to get off the crazy train!!!!!

My cravings seem out of control. My hunger seems unstoppable. And my motivation to be a good girl and follow the rules (even the 80/20 rules) is out the window.

I have not reached my goal. I am not 100% comfortable at the weight that I am currently at. I so enjoyed stepping on the scale and seeing the weight drop every week. I enjoyed the compliments from everyone telling me how wonderful I look. And I feel like I am throwing all of it away.

I don't know what I need to do to refocus and get back to it. I tried looking through my meal plans and picking the two most successful weeks and trying to follow the plans that I had followed before. But, inevitably, a day or two into the "plan", I give in to the nagging little voice telling me to be 'naughty' and have that (insert carb-laden, sugary, processed, non-heart healthy food here).

The voice that told me to stay the course...that encouraged me to stick to the plan...drink my water...ensure I'm getting enough fiber and protein....that voice is all but silent. I don't know where she went, but I would REALLY like to get her to come back. I am not happy with my current weight and I know I have a lot of hard work ahead of me...but I cannot seem to get back on the train. My caboose is stuck in reverse.

How do I get back on track? Part of me feels like I need to "start over"…as if this was my first day of my new plan. I feel that comparing my current behaviors and feelings to my past successes is not doing me any favors at this point because I keep shaming myself for my current feelings/thoughts. For example, I tried to stick to my plan last week and eat what I had eaten one day during a particularly successful week in March. But, I was SO hungry...and no amount of water, or fiber supplements, was helping with the hunger. I wanted to eat more.

And so, I scolded myself for being so out of control, so gluttonistic because I was not able to eat as little as I was a couple of months ago. And I think this is not a very healthy practice. I don't know what was going on 2 months ago that allowed me to eat as little as I was. But, what worked on that day is not working for me right now. And I need to accept that and accept that sometimes things change and that is OK. I need to change too.

So, maybe a new start is exactly what I need. I am not going to compare my current work and goals to my past successes because for me, at least at this point, it causes shame and admonishment from my psyche. And to encourage healthy growth, I need to stop berating myself and start encouraging myself.

Good for you, Jenn for trying to get back to the plan! Good for you, Jenn for trying to figure out what is not working, identifying what is, and moving in a positive direction for your health! Good for you, Jenn for trying something and being wise enough to try something else when the original action is no longer effective.

This brings to mind the serenty prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change past behaviors and outcomes. But, I can change my current and future actions/behaviors. And I can be strong enough to realize that although something worked 2 months ago, it's ok if it no longer works now…and it's ok to change and find something that works for me right now. That is what life is about - growth and change.

So, here I go on my new journey. Starting today, June 10, 2013, I am heading down a healthy path. I am preparing meal plans for foods that sound delicious and meet my nutritional needs. I am planning for success! And today is the first day of this new journey. I will not look back and compare my current journey to my past successes (except to maybe copy recipes I enjoyed). I will look ahead. And I will strive for new successes and new goals.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon I hate how the indulgences seem to chase us for days. Its all in the hormones I guess but it seems like one pb&j on sunday should not lead to a cascade of cravings Monday and Tuesday. Totally unfair.
    2041 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/26/2014 9:31:47 PM
    What amazing success you have had thus far! I know that you can find what works for you and continue on with your journey. emoticon
    2420 days ago
    Isn't it interesting (and FRUSTRATING) how we can know what we need to do, and just totally disregard it in the moment? I like your attitude that you're planning for success. I had a teacher in HS who loved the quote with the four Ps: Preparation prevents poor performance. You CAN do this!
    2421 days ago
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