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Facing fear

Monday, May 27, 2013

Yesterday I went south to celebrate my old "horsehand" who has educated into a veterinary and had her 34 birthday... and my plan was to maybe visit my daughter (who lives in that town) and hand her some books she needs and ask her to tell her father in my precense that she wanted to attend a camp I have signed her for. I found this camp in the beginning of april - it is a day camp for 13-15 year olds interested in writing and drama and it suits her really well. I told her father that I was signing her on, did not know if she would be accepted - a lot of children wants to get into it as it is free for those living in my town... and he said no he had other plans. I called on the agreement we have that says that I have first pick for summer and I have until 15 april to tell my wishes - and he meant that we had already made the agreement eralier and it could not be changed. He has not anything in particular planned but just don´t want to cooperate.

My daughter wants to go and she told me that she had told him. From my point of view the situation today is that when we parents agree, we decide, if we don´t agree she has the last vote - and in this case it is two to one.

But ex is locked. I thought maybe she did not dare to tell him straight in the face, I needed to know that for sure.

So I went to their home - really scared, black turmoil in my brain, dry mouth and heart beating like a maniac. Pressed the door bell, he opened I asked for daughter he said she was on the back side, I walked round the house and she was there with a friend. Gave her the books and asked her to tell her father if she wanted to go to camp. She did. Ex started to tell me that I had no business coming without making an appointment, that I could not come fighting - I was not fighting and he dived into that - his usual strategy that is to twist the discusiion into something else. And after all those repetitions about how rude it was to come without an appointment I gave up and said okay, I´m leaving, and left.

And had a hysterical fit, cried, felt suicidal, raged, all the way home (an hours drive) and felt useless and hopeless.

But at the same time really proud because I faced the fear of meeting him to do whatever I can to help my daughter to that camp.

I have to remind myself that there are many children that has hell with their parents. Abusie parents, drug addicted parents etc. - and my daughter has chosen to stay with her father although she has the opportunity to live with me. I think (or hope!) that this is because she likes us both well enough and choses the secure thing - to stay with the friends and enviornment she is used to. I have to accept that although I have a hard time with it.

Anyway I was VERY hungry after that confrontation. But did not eat as I had rehearsal at theatre. Went on and on and did not go well, ended with our director suddenly leaving us and I don´t knowwhat happened really - but decided not to be mature and caring, decided that I had enough of drama for one day and got home - ate one big serving of pork with cheese probably a clorie disaster but no carbs - trying to reduce carbs for a while as I am in deep dodo concerning food.

Another week starts have a lot to do and theatre worries me a lot, but I will do my best in learning my things and trust it to be okay in the end.

Concerning daughter I am contacting my lawyer to see if there is aything more to do - I can of course just get her, he can´t stop me but I don´t wantto put daughter in that situation unless she demands it herself. Which I don´t think she will, she is not that brave.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • IMAVISION
    emoticon in facing your fears.

    I don't understand your ex-husband's reluctance to allow your daughter to attend a camp that she would enjoy.

    At least your daughter knows that you are willing to allow her that opportunity

    I believe that if you need to, you should force the issue by getting your lawyer involved. That is, if your agreement stipulates that it is your right to make it possible for your daughter to spend that part of her summer in a way that both she & you agree with.

    God bless!
    2383 days ago
  • DEBRA0818
    The other day I read an interesting technique where when one is engaged with a difficult person or situation, one can imagine one's HP standing in the middle of it giving advice on what to say and do next. It seems strengthening to me to go into these kinds of situations with conscious contact with HP.

    What a beautiful example you set for your daughter to reasonably confront each other honestly even if the outcome is not what you would have wanted. You are teaching her to speak truthfully in reasonable terms and also that we are not in control of outcomes.

    emoticon
    2384 days ago
  • CATHOLICCORGI
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    It is a good thing to face fear head on... I am very proud of you!
    You are wise to trust that EVERYTHING will be good in the end!
    emoticon
    2384 days ago
  • PHATPAT18
    I give you a lot of credit for facing your fears. Stay safe and wish you much luck in getting what you want.
    2384 days ago
  • JOYINKY
    You did face your fear; you had no control of the outcome. When I've faced fears, I too have had the backlash when the event was over. Emotions are what they are what they are and take a toll until we learn to let go. Hardest, I think, with decisions on our kids. I'm sorry for the struggle. You did and are doing what you have to do.
    2385 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/27/2013 9:36:19 AM
  • ONEKIDSMOM
    Hold your head high... whatever the outcome you faced your fears and did what you could... that makes you brave, not the outcome.
    2385 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    You are right to be so strong and brave, you can't make decisions for your daughter but you have to carry on doing what is right for you. emoticon
    2385 days ago
  • THE_SHAKESHAFT
    Be strong. You know what you're doing is right.
    2385 days ago
  • KASEYCOFF
    Yes, you ARE brave--! I don't know that I'd have the nerve to confront my ex even today, at least not at his house. Our situation was very similar in that he would be stubborn just to make me miserable. The children never came first in his thinking; he never considered them at all (and still doesn't). First and foremost in his mind, always, was what he could do to hurt me, without considering such behavior hurt them more. I guess he saw that as some kind of vengeance. And now they are in their 30s. They don't bother sending him birthday cards or Christmas presents, they don't call him - and I doubt he understands why.

    I agree that it's time to call the lawyer. Whether in the long run she is able to attend the camp or not, at least your daughter has seen that you are willing to try to "follow the rules" to help her do the things she wants to do. And while it may be the hardest thing of all, I also agree that you can't just take her to the camp without his cooperation.

    For what it's worth, Meddy, in the emotional-eating category, pork & cheese is better than a half-gallon of ice cream...
    emoticon
    2385 days ago
  • TAISIAKAT
    I can relate to what you're going through, to some degree. My daughters lived with their Dads (two relationships/ 1 marriage and one long term that ended badly). Each year it was like this. I got to the point where they moved out of state making it impossible for me to see them.

    The only piece of advice I can offer - once she turns 18, she can do what she wants and he can't stop her, including seeing you, etc.
    2385 days ago
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