Facing fear

Yesterday I went south to celebrate my old "horsehand" who has educated into a veterinary and had her 34 birthday... and my plan was to maybe visit my daughter (who lives in that town) and hand her some books she needs and ask her to tell her father in my precense that she wanted to attend a camp I have signed her for. I found this camp in the beginning of april - it is a day camp for 13-15 year olds interested in writing and drama and it suits her really well. I told her father that I was signing her on, did not know if she would be accepted - a lot of children wants to get into it as it is free for those living in my town... and he said no he had other plans. I called on the agreement we have that says that I have first pick for summer and I have until 15 april to tell my wishes - and he meant that we had already made the agreement eralier and it could not be changed. He has not anything in particular planned but just don´t want to cooperate.

My daughter wants to go and she told me that she had told him. From my point of view the situation today is that when we parents agree, we decide, if we don´t agree she has the last vote - and in this case it is two to one.

But ex is locked. I thought maybe she did not dare to tell him straight in the face, I needed to know that for sure.

So I went to their home - really scared, black turmoil in my brain, dry mouth and heart beating like a maniac. Pressed the door bell, he opened I asked for daughter he said she was on the back side, I walked round the house and she was there with a friend. Gave her the books and asked her to tell her father if she wanted to go to camp. She did. Ex started to tell me that I had no business coming without making an appointment, that I could not come fighting - I was not fighting and he dived into that - his usual strategy that is to twist the discusiion into something else. And after all those repetitions about how rude it was to come without an appointment I gave up and said okay, I´m leaving, and left.

And had a hysterical fit, cried, felt suicidal, raged, all the way home (an hours drive) and felt useless and hopeless.

But at the same time really proud because I faced the fear of meeting him to do whatever I can to help my daughter to that camp.

I have to remind myself that there are many children that has hell with their parents. Abusie parents, drug addicted parents etc. - and my daughter has chosen to stay with her father although she has the opportunity to live with me. I think (or hope!) that this is because she likes us both well enough and choses the secure thing - to stay with the friends and enviornment she is used to. I have to accept that although I have a hard time with it.

Anyway I was VERY hungry after that confrontation. But did not eat as I had rehearsal at theatre. Went on and on and did not go well, ended with our director suddenly leaving us and I don´t knowwhat happened really - but decided not to be mature and caring, decided that I had enough of drama for one day and got home - ate one big serving of pork with cheese probably a clorie disaster but no carbs - trying to reduce carbs for a while as I am in deep dodo concerning food.

Another week starts have a lot to do and theatre worries me a lot, but I will do my best in learning my things and trust it to be okay in the end.

Concerning daughter I am contacting my lawyer to see if there is aything more to do - I can of course just get her, he can´t stop me but I don´t wantto put daughter in that situation unless she demands it herself. Which I don´t think she will, she is not that brave.