I feel like such a failure

I've been trying for a month to get my eating under control. And I've failed.

I'm still 20 pounds up and if I don't do something fast, none of my clothes will fit anymore.

I feel horrible. I know it's the body's natural reaction to want to gain the weight back. I know to some extent it really is out of my conscious control. I still feel like a failure, and that makes me want to eat more.

What I'm doing wrong:
1. Too many snacks. I eat a couple of muffins with my coffee when I get to work, hummus and pretzels as a mid-morning snack, I sneak down to the vending machine for candy mid-afternoon, and snack after snack after dinner.
2. I'm not sticking to the plan. I have a good, healthy diet planned. And I feel free to go off-plan whenever, which is usually a couple of times a week. Pizza is not on the plan. Neither is ice cream.
3. I confuse binge eating with treating myself. There's nothing wrong with a treat now and then. But every day? No. Several times a day? No. All evening? No.
4. I don't weigh myself, because I know I won't like what I see. Denial only works until my clothes are too tight - TODAY. I couldn't wear the pants I wanted to wear because they were too tight. Six months ago they were too loose.
5. I hide food, and sneak it. I hide food wrappers. I get a sick trill from it. Look at me! I'm being bad! Ha, ha! Nobody knows. Really, everyone knows. They've noticed I'm gaining weight again. My husband has noticed. My coworkers have noticed. I'm not fooling anyone.

Every day I say to myself: Today will be different. And I disappoint myself.

I know what to do. I know what to eat. I know how to live right. And I'm doing it. I'm exercising. I'm eating healthy foods.

But I'm also binging. I'm indulging in addictive behavior. It's not pleasant, it's not satisfying, it's not fulfilling, it's not healthy, it's not fun. It has to stop. Staying on the present course will only make me more and more miserable, which will make me eat and eat and eat.

I feel like crying writing all this down. I hate admitting my failure. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate feeling out of control.

So, in order to feel good, I need to write a new script. Treaties and snacks do not make me feel good. Binging does not make me feel good. Eating healthy food and exercising makes me feel good.

I feel great when my clothes fit right. I feel great when I have plenty of vitamins from healthy food. I feel great enjoying fun activities like hiking and cycling. This is what is satisfying and fulfilling. This is the course that will bring me to a better place in the long term, and in my daily life. This is the course that makes me feel good about myself.

I don't need to wait til tomorrow. I am changing RIGHT NOW. I'm committing to eating my lunch and my apple, and nothing else until dinner. Doing just this and nothing else different is a WIN. I can do it. I must.