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I feel like such a failure

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I've been trying for a month to get my eating under control. And I've failed.

I'm still 20 pounds up and if I don't do something fast, none of my clothes will fit anymore.

I feel horrible. I know it's the body's natural reaction to want to gain the weight back. I know to some extent it really is out of my conscious control. I still feel like a failure, and that makes me want to eat more.

What I'm doing wrong:
1. Too many snacks. I eat a couple of muffins with my coffee when I get to work, hummus and pretzels as a mid-morning snack, I sneak down to the vending machine for candy mid-afternoon, and snack after snack after dinner.
2. I'm not sticking to the plan. I have a good, healthy diet planned. And I feel free to go off-plan whenever, which is usually a couple of times a week. Pizza is not on the plan. Neither is ice cream.
3. I confuse binge eating with treating myself. There's nothing wrong with a treat now and then. But every day? No. Several times a day? No. All evening? No.
4. I don't weigh myself, because I know I won't like what I see. Denial only works until my clothes are too tight - TODAY. I couldn't wear the pants I wanted to wear because they were too tight. Six months ago they were too loose.
5. I hide food, and sneak it. I hide food wrappers. I get a sick trill from it. Look at me! I'm being bad! Ha, ha! Nobody knows. Really, everyone knows. They've noticed I'm gaining weight again. My husband has noticed. My coworkers have noticed. I'm not fooling anyone.

Every day I say to myself: Today will be different. And I disappoint myself.

I know what to do. I know what to eat. I know how to live right. And I'm doing it. I'm exercising. I'm eating healthy foods.

But I'm also binging. I'm indulging in addictive behavior. It's not pleasant, it's not satisfying, it's not fulfilling, it's not healthy, it's not fun. It has to stop. Staying on the present course will only make me more and more miserable, which will make me eat and eat and eat.

I feel like crying writing all this down. I hate admitting my failure. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate feeling out of control.

So, in order to feel good, I need to write a new script. Treaties and snacks do not make me feel good. Binging does not make me feel good. Eating healthy food and exercising makes me feel good.

I feel great when my clothes fit right. I feel great when I have plenty of vitamins from healthy food. I feel great enjoying fun activities like hiking and cycling. This is what is satisfying and fulfilling. This is the course that will bring me to a better place in the long term, and in my daily life. This is the course that makes me feel good about myself.

I don't need to wait til tomorrow. I am changing RIGHT NOW. I'm committing to eating my lunch and my apple, and nothing else until dinner. Doing just this and nothing else different is a WIN. I can do it. I must.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Revisit this blog-you have identified some key opportunities for making changes-one at the time :) Many of us are in your same place. Thank you for writing down the confession I needed to make. Working with you from afar on the same goals!
    We can do this!!
    2573 days ago
    Know how you feel - after a certain age - for me it has been so difficult to lose the weight.

    You are now focus and you can go forward. Bring your own snacks to work and it will get better. Also have good snacks at home and don't have anything you are not suppose to eat at home.

    We are here to help you emoticon emoticon
    2940 days ago
  • AMBER281
    I've been going through the same thing.
    2942 days ago
  • ADELE66
    I have been going through exactly,... and I mean EXACTLY....the same thing recently. Really struggling with the food/binge addiction. All I can recommend what I am doing to hang in there....

    * Keep tracking food and exercise... no matter what!
    * Get rid of the negative words. All the talk of failure and the self criticism feeds into the self loathing/emotional eating cycle. Have some compassion for yourself. This is the hardest thing you will ever do, and you are still doing your best, give yourself some love and credit.
    * Keep a log of your feelings with relation to food. Try and spot the triggers to wanting a binge.
    * Remind yourself of how physically and emotionally bad you feel after binging and how great you feel when you are maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
    * Keep posting on Spark... getting support from others who know what you are going through.

    Good luck!

    2948 days ago
  • NOREGRET2010
    you know, I'm not sure I agree with the word failure. Failure, to me, equates "all or nothing thinking". Health, weight loss....well, all or nothing thinking has bit me in the behind more times than I can think.

    That said, I'm at exactly the same place you are - UNHAPPY. mad at myself. feeling a little hopeless. But I'm trying. You are trying.

    Let's try together. PM me if you want a buddy to work on accountability and suppor. Hugs emoticon
    2949 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13342094
    It's not failure, it's a setback. You've already diagnosed what you're doing wrong. That's a big part of the battle.

    I have some of the same issues you do in that I have very little self-control. If I start craving something, it's almost impossible for me to not eat it if it's readily available. Fortunately, most of the stuff in the the vending machine is stuff I can ignore.

    I've started taking several pieces of fruit to work with me. I eat one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I've also added a cup of non-fat plain yogurt, sweetened with light agave syrup, with flaxseed and 1/2 cup granola. I eat this between 3 & 4 in the afternoon. (I ride my bike home, so I need to have most of that out of my belly before I start.) I find I'm getting far fewer I MUST HAVE THIS RIGHT NOW cravings at work. And 500 calories in snacks is a lot, but they're loaded with nutrients. Potato chips are just loaded with fat and salt.

    Most afternoons, I also have about an ounce of dark (70-85% cacao) chocolate. When I'm tempted to have more, I remind myself that the next serving will not taste as good as the first.

    I hope there's a snack regimen like this that can help you. But I also know that if you have a trigger food, it's hard (if not impossible) to eat it in moderation.

    I think it's great that you know you love how you feel when you're hiking or cycling. It seems like you know what to do, but (like me) you have a hard time doing it. I understand!
    2949 days ago
    "But I'm also binging. I'm indulging in addictive behavior. It's not pleasant, it's not satisfying, it's not fulfilling, it's not healthy, it's not fun. It has to stop. Staying on the present course will only make me more and more miserable, which will make me eat and eat and eat."

    Print out this paragraph. Make several copies. Fold it up and put it in your pocket. Do you have a timer on your phone or watch? Set multiple timers if you can to go off EVERY two hours that you are awake. Every time the timer goes off take this paper out of your pocket and read it. Put a copy in your drawer at work, your purse, your fridge, your car. Stuff one in your sock if you must!

    Sounds crazy, right? It's what I did to stop smoking and it works! Do whatever you have to do to break the addiction.

    Good luck!
    2949 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13453844
    you've got it all out in the open now - you know exactly where your plan didn't work and you have made the choice to change - that is the first step.

    You can do this. When you feel like sneaking down to the vending machine - go get a drink of water. When you want to snack after dinner - ask hubby to go for a walk with you!

    You will succeed!!
    2949 days ago
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