The nightmare of Irresponsible Parents
Sunday, May 19, 2013
I¡¦ll try to keep this short(er) and I know that many people here are around the age of my parents so I think your advice and insight might be worth it. I ask you to forgive me if I come off sounding like a bad child.
My Mom just turned 50 and my Dad is 52 both are working but never have enough to pay their bills (no CCs but always delinquent.) Neither have any retirement nor savings. They are divorced. My Father has tax debt and likely other debt we don¡¦t know about¡ he's bipolar and makes terrible decisions, he is frequently in new relationships and when this happens he totally cuts himself off from my everyone for months at a time. My Dad was very emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up. His health is not good because of years of alcohol abuse but who knows if he has any serious health problems (not the sort to go to the doctor ever.) He doesn¡¦t care about me and I am ok with that. He is under an illusion that should he get sick the tribe will take care of him.
I will not. I will not even spend my own funds to bury this man when he passes.
My Mom is not bipolar but has horribly low self-esteem. She is about 130 pounds overweight for her height. She held a part time job when married to my Dad (who was far better off then in every way) but for the last 8 years she has been in a relationship with another alcoholic abuser. This man binge drinks 3-5 days a week and when drunk is horribly emotionally abusive to her. But she can't leave she cannot afford to live on her own and even though she treats her terribly she often defends his behaviour or says something dismissive like I never hear it!¨ I *hate* this man for being so mean to her accusing her of not working hard enough or being a bad cook or otherwise just being a sexist POS.
My Mom being so overweight is a huge health risk. She already has high blood pressure and recently just suffered gout. Her Mother was very sickly and died young (around 50) of breast cancer a year before I was born. That being said my Mom refuses to go the doctor for anything. She has no insurance or savings of any kind and I fear that age + health she is a ticking time bomb.
What the hell is she (my brother & I) going to do if she gets so sick she cannot work, has no savings and no health insurance? When I ask her she starts literally screaming at me saying she isn't going to live thinking like that.
Today I tried again to talk to her about getting started on better health pathway. I think if she first starts watching what she eats/working out maybe 3x a week she would lose major weight and other good things will fall into place. This is what happened to for me. How does she react? Screaming for me to stop trying to control her life. She calls me a snob and a bitch. She does this a lot.
This bitch ordered flowers and had them sent to her work last week for Mothers Day.
The horrible thing is, I am starting not to care. I am going through a lot now with my job/move.
Alcohol, irresponsibility and this sticking one's head in the sand made my Brother's/my childhood miserable. to I realised a couple of years ago that the only reason things were slightly better when I was a child is likely because my Mom owed a lot of money to my Grandparents.
My Brother has two small kids and works a lot. He is a good man, BUT he NEVER calls her and I am starting to wonder if work is only an excuse.
I am leaving to begin a my dream job soon and some days I just feel like cutting her off completely. I am leaving the country indefinitely and cannot give up my job for anything. I am looking to move into the next phase of my life soon: continued career, perhaps marriage and child in my 30s but how can I have my own family when my parents even try won't take care of themselves?
I want to do what my brother has pretty much done, but the reality is---she has been so mean to me the older we get. I *LOVE* her and want her to be healthy/happy. Some questions advice we could use:
-How can I best approach my Brother about at least calling my Mom more (like once a month) and encouraging her to life healthier? I don¡¦t want him to be mad at me but he isn'¦t being much of son.
-What would happen if my Mom got an illness such as cancer and had no means to pay her medical bills or support herself? Is there an insurance that we should look into? That I should look into for myself (keeping in mind I will be abroad.)
-If you could tell me I am not the only one with circumstances like this, it would be great.