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Call it a Loss

Monday, April 29, 2013

When I was in college, there were days that I would just 'call a loss' - nothing went my way, a test - a fall out with a friend - a car break-down - an interrupted routine. With the careless of youth, I considered each new day a fresh page - nothing carried over - always a new horizon - a starting line.

These days, it's hard to shrug off difficult days. Whether it's a day when my spark goals are not met, or when (like today), everything seems on a fast-track to hell at the office...it's impossible to purge the past.

Because like it or not, choices have consequences. Errors have consequences.

Those 'little' mistakes don't go away with each passing day - they are added up in the minds of supervisors and unfeeling performance reports. "Why is Jean making so many mistakes?" "Why did she let this happen - doesn't she know better?" Even when I'm technically fixing someone else's mistake - if it's on my payroll edit - if it's something I'm overseeing - the mistake is on me.

And I know that's just life - so suck it, right?

And I'm learning to push forward - to look objectively at a mistake and say: "Well. I can't change what happened. How do I fix it?"

But I'm tired of explaining when I'm not at fault. And when it is my error, I'm tired of justifying it when my workload is so overwhelming. I multi-task until I'm dizzy- it's a constant juggling act to meet deadlines - jumping from one project to another before I can review and have closure with any - My supervisor says: "Take your time - double check your edits - make sure all the hours are correct" - But you can't pay someone correctly when -they don't give you their timesheet on time- or when they make a miscalculation...you can't double check information that isn't there.

I'm tired of being constantly behind - of the constant overload - I'm constantly on the edge of my seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I'm not doing as well as I should be doing.

I can't just call this day a loss - I have to do better - but I don't know how.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I understand where you're at and I'm sorry you had to visit this place. Life is way to short. Just do your best and continue to search for your "right" place. It took me a time and an accident, but I'm where I need to be. Have faith in yourself. Remember, they can't eat you!
    2933 days ago
  • DOODIE59
    This too shall pass -- and you can make it pass faster by looking for other work while you continue on there. Make it your "hobby". The day you leave for the next job, you'll be both happy and relieved, and ready for the future. Hugs,
    2933 days ago
    I hear you. It's can be so overwhelming. I really don't know what you can do. Is there anyone at work you can talk to? Supervisor? HR? Anyone who'll just listen to your concerns and not put you on the defensive? If you can find a way to tell them what you are having problems with, and why the errors are coming up, maybe they can help you figure out how to fix them. Not so much just you, but the whole process. Make others responsible for getting their paperwork right.

    I'm sorry I don't have more to say to help you feel better. I was stuck in a job like this myself recently. It took a HUGE toll on my health. The doctors thing my pancreas is not working right anymore because of the stress. I'm not completely heartbroken to say I lost that job. So I've been lucky enough to be able to take some time and focus on me.
    2933 days ago
  • 4CYNDI
    **HUGS** BIBO (breathe in breathe out), repeat. Oh I wish there were some way I could come help you get through this. I'm here to listen as you work through your thoughts, feelings and tiredness. I hope you can figure something out soon.
    2933 days ago
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