Call it a Loss
Monday, April 29, 2013
When I was in college, there were days that I would just 'call a loss' - nothing went my way, a test - a fall out with a friend - a car break-down - an interrupted routine. With the careless of youth, I considered each new day a fresh page - nothing carried over - always a new horizon - a starting line.
These days, it's hard to shrug off difficult days. Whether it's a day when my spark goals are not met, or when (like today), everything seems on a fast-track to hell at the office...it's impossible to purge the past.
Because like it or not, choices have consequences. Errors have consequences.
Those 'little' mistakes don't go away with each passing day - they are added up in the minds of supervisors and unfeeling performance reports. "Why is Jean making so many mistakes?" "Why did she let this happen - doesn't she know better?" Even when I'm technically fixing someone else's mistake - if it's on my payroll edit - if it's something I'm overseeing - the mistake is on me.
And I know that's just life - so suck it, right?
And I'm learning to push forward - to look objectively at a mistake and say: "Well. I can't change what happened. How do I fix it?"
But I'm tired of explaining when I'm not at fault. And when it is my error, I'm tired of justifying it when my workload is so overwhelming. I multi-task until I'm dizzy- it's a constant juggling act to meet deadlines - jumping from one project to another before I can review and have closure with any - My supervisor says: "Take your time - double check your edits - make sure all the hours are correct" - But you can't pay someone correctly when -they don't give you their timesheet on time- or when they make a miscalculation...you can't double check information that isn't there.
I'm tired of being constantly behind - of the constant overload - I'm constantly on the edge of my seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I'm not doing as well as I should be doing.
I can't just call this day a loss - I have to do better - but I don't know how.