Joy is here!
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
One of the weirdest thing about fasting is the joy that enters my mind, usually on day three. According to my new guru Mosley this is a "normal" feeling after a couple of days of fasting but they do not know why - it might be the BDNF level in the brain that rises but it is probably too early for that and it might be that one gets so happy for succeeding.
I had that rush of euphoria yesterday - and considering that I am in the middle of a really bad mental crisis it was weird to feel so wonderfully energetic and euphoric all day. I could also notice that I did get cranky in the afternoon when I went to theatre rehearsal. The vibs around there are difficult, I can´t put my finger on it but it has something to do with the creative process and our creative leaders personality. As she is a person that I respect and as I trust that her instincts and judgement are good, I will have to try to stand it and believe that it will be for the best in the end. But I could notice that my mood was more vulnerable yesterday than other days, could be the fasting or could be my mental crisis.
I had almost the same meal as the day before - haddock, lettuce, tomato but instead of oil and vinegar on the salad to reach 500 cal, I melted 20 gr of butter over the steamboiled haddock.
Today I am having mackerel in tomato - and spinach and carrots - I am looking forward to it. I was thinking about eating it in the morning as it is harder to eat at night, it triggers my cravings. On the other hand it is nice to have that meal to look forward too...I knew yesterday was going to be harder than the first day so I asked my OA-friend if I could call her after eating my dinner and commit to her no more eating. I will have to do the same today I think, I feel great about this, I feel very sure and happy – but I have done this before and know that it takes only a second to fall, it´s like the strike of a lightening and I never know what hit me, just that I suddenly eat.
Which is why this is a questionable method. But as I have stopped drinking I know that I was really vulnerable to alcohol as well when I started to change my lifestyle, I had a bottle of relapse after...three or four months and that just came from nowhere and I was being very confidant at that moment and never saw it coming. And I did not have to drink the day after and it took a week - until next saturday - before my disease wispered "hey, you could handle that bottle a week ago and have not been drinking since, you can manage a bottle this saturday night as well" ..and all the alarms went off in my head and I thought "No, you don´t" and since then I have been a sober alcoholic and it was eight years ago and I could NEVER have believed that I would manage that...
Food is more tricky,partly because that IS my "main drug" and I have used it for consolation and numbness since I was very young, alcohol was never the same everyday challenge. An AA friend said that having a food compulsion was like having a tiger in a cage and having to walk it three times a day... for the moment I am just walking the tiger once a day but it is hard enough.
The scale is kind, lost another kilo- for the moment the scale DO have a very high impact on my mood and I don´t like it but after the shock of the big gain this winter I really have to monitor closely and cling to the good results.
I will commit to the OA friend again today. Tonight I have no meetings, will spend the time alone in my house and that is a danger. Will attend an AA meeting at lunch and I have done another thing that is not very normal for me - I have told people around me what I am doing. As my earlier experiences is failing, I don´t like to tell people because it is no fun to be a failer - but I also know from myself and others that people are not mean about this, they never comment or tease when a person quit a diet plan, we have all been there, done that...
Having my coffeee without milk in the morning is NOT nice, probably made it too strong this morning as well. I read some blog - that I can´t find again - about taking out lactos, gluten, sugar and some things more from the nutrition for a while and then take them back on again and see what happens and I thought that I would do that as I am not eating anyway... and yesterday I learned about a new book that says that letting go of dairy and gluten helps children with ADHD, especially dairy products. I have tried to quit dairy before, when I had breast cancer I read that there is a theory (not proven scientifically) that dairy triggers the cancercells and I was ready to do anything...but found it hard to get rid of milk and cheese...But I had coffee wihtout milk until I was about..40 maybe, don´t know why I started think maybe it was when I stopped drinking coffee like a real journalist (=all the time) and just had the morning jug.
It´s 5.31 in the morning, I will get to the gym before I start working I think... AND maybe I will even do the 30 minutes of housecleaning in the morning I thought of yesterday, the gym does not open until 6.30 and I have twenty minutes to drive there...I think you all can notice that I a sort of manic for the moment....that´s okay if I breathe and try to focus on calmness for some minutes.