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Asking for support

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

I have learned not to ask for support when I do my "Kamikaze" efforts as most people consider it a dumb thing to do. Therefore I have also learned to be secretive about them, I keep them to myself because I don´t want to be told that I am on the wrong track. Being secretive is not a good thing, that is what my mother always did, lied and hid all the things she thought others would not approve of... I hated the lying but inherited the secret acting... but I am learning that I like myself better when I don´t hide things so I will be open about my attempts with Michael Mosleys book. It is not easy - I do know that I might very easily fall off this particular wagon and if I am open about climbing on it I will have to be open about falling off it too. Which is yet to be seen... I also had some bad experience with this, when I was in a BLC challenge and did some fasting, it rendered me a letter from Spark authorities and I was exspelled from the team. That was probably caised bu some misunderstandings but it was hurtful and unfair.

I am a desperate fatty ready to try almost anything (still not into that gastric bypass, would get that operation if I asked for it but the weight is a symptom not the disease so I don´t want it - yet) but reading about the research of fasting also gave me a lot of hope and spoke to my heart. Maybe this is for me. As I wrote yesterday, the detailed questions from people on the website confused me because I did not read that book as a fixed schedule, I read it as an explanation of effects of research and how some people has adapted these findings into their lifestyle. And that each person probably has to try out what works for them.

And as I am a little drastic in my personality I needed to start with four days, mostly because I want to get back on the scale... and that was achieved this morning emoticon but I will need some very restricted days more before it is "real" this mornings number is just due to water I think. But I am still weirdly happy about the high number as it gives me hope that I will have a lott less pain and be able to move if I get rid o these extra winter kilos. I went biking with doggy yesyerday, it is not possible to bike on gravel or woody roads yet, to soft or too much ice and my winter weight also makes it very hard to move, but I did ten minutes around the village and have to be happy about it.

Another small victory - I had haddock, lettuce,tomato and cucumber as dinner yesterday - it was 300-something calores so I added oil and vinegar and thus reached 450 cal in that meal. AND of course it started the failure-devil talking "you have eaten, you might as well go on" followed by "look at those bananas, they will grow old if you don´t eat them and a banana is not harmful"...knowing very well that one banana would be all four of them and then "all is lost" and go bingeing. I do not know if I will ever be able to eat outside my plan, but today I know I cannot. Yeserday I managed to stay with my plan and I am really really grateful for it.

I also went to the AA lunch meeting, we were seven and it was a really good meeting. I could touch the pain I have with my daughter and even believe that it is okay - I repeat my mantra of the horrible cancer days "everything is just the way it is supposed to be" I was also honest to my sister and my OA-friend of the situation and they listened and supported me, that was great and the shame and guilt I felt was a little better. I am very fond of the books of Elisabet Kübler Ross and I will have to look for them in my library and reread some stuff and see if I still think it is great.

I went to bed without that pill yesterday evening and got to sleep at least six hours. Had some unpleasant nightmares - shame and guilt - and woke up a three but the sleepiness I get from those pills is also a disadvantage the week I am in deadline - it is a choice between Scylla and Karybdis...deep healthy sleep and a lot of sleepiness during the day or more disturbed sleep and wide awake when I am awake - I am also wondering if I am just pretending how it affects me - reading the descriptive paper tells me that the anxiety-releasing effect should stay about four hours, and I get sleepy for about 24...and that is even after they changed the prescription into a lighter kind, 10 mg instead of 25 mg AND with anxiety I should take 2-5 every day, I would be unconcious I think as I only take one and get sleepy 24 hours...

Anyway today is work day, it is still very cold during nights, but the sunny days really takes the snow away.

Returning to my headline of this blog - I will be very grateful for all the support you might offer - I am grateful for nice things written so far!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Some people are well-suited to Intermittent Fasting. I believe there is no one-size-fits-all strategy to life. I wish you all the best in finding a lifestyle that brings you peace and good health. Daily life shouldn't be so complicated.

    2419 days ago
    I think you are worried about too many things. Be yourself and don't do any drastic diet. I was once told that you should find a way of eating healthy but it has to be something that you can stick to forever or if too restrictive, you will just go back to the old ways and eat too much. Include the foods you love but in moderation. Find your trigger foods and don't bring them in the house. Leave all that past, negative times behind you and live for today...accomplish what you set forth and look at the now. Living in the past just rehashes all the heartache and pain. Live for today, rejoice In what you are now...if you don't except yourself..you will never get past the road to success. I sometimes let guilt grind at me but then I ask God for help and it goes away. Don't let your past life pull you down into despair. Pick yourself up, and go ahead...don't look back and see what a great new day it can be. You can do this!
    You are a special, one of a kind person and you are worth your efforts. Keep going and don't give up.
    2420 days ago
  • LINDA!
    I support you. I have also endured struggles with health, disability now due to a shoulder replacement, depression, etc. In spite of this, we both can say that we are still trying. There is something in our spirit that says we don't give up. Keep that in mind.
    2420 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/2/2013 9:38:10 PM
    We all have to do what is right for us. I recently read that the answer is within ourselves. And I can see the wisdom in that. I believe that you are seeking your answer that is within you. Keep asking yourself the questions that you need answered...and then see what answers come to you. Keep up the good work! Thanks for the encouragement! Spark on! emoticon emoticon
    2420 days ago
    I support you. You're trying to find out what works for you as an individual both with food and medication and that's to be commended. My doctor just doubled one of my medications and I gained 14 lbs in 14 days, but feel better mentally and need to continue the medication for my health. As a result of weight changes that come with this medication, I've cut my calories to less than 1200 even though that's not what SP recommends, but it's what my slower metabolism needs. I don't apologize to anyone to do what MY body needs. "To thine own self be true."
    2420 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/2/2013 6:39:20 PM
    I think you are very brave. You are trying to find the approach that works for you. I , too, am thinking of trying a "diet approach" that is frowned on by spark people, but I know that I need to get a handle on the nighttime eating, and if eating a set plan, or in your case, eating restricted calories and fasting works, i am good with that. I think we should take the long view, and do what is best for us.
    2420 days ago
    Hang in there! I am here to support you. Your efforts are noble and sometimes it takes many attempts to find the correct response. People are all so different and various in their constitutions. I, for example, cannot eat rice without getting all hypergylcemic yet I can eat pasta and my blood sugar does not flinch. Why? It makes no sense at all. It's just an oddity.

    Discovering those oddities and making them work for us is one knack to pick up on the journey to get rid of excess weight.

    I'm also a person who has struggled with and found an ort or two or success in abolishing those "All is lost!" moments of heavy drama. I have learned to pull back a bit and think that all is not lost, but just a little bit.

    Take exquisite care of yourself!
    2420 days ago
    I hope you find the program that works for you. emoticon
    2420 days ago
    You aren't alone. I'm not sure if I completely agree with your fasting approach, but I do believe that all bodies are different and you need to listen to yours. Please be safe as you are doing this.

    Sticking to a meal plan is a wonderful idea. Your dinner sounds like it was really good! Adding "just one ____ " is a tough urge to fight. It sounds like sticking strictly to your meal plan is a great way to help resist. Maybe later you can relax that a bit but for now you know your body and yourself best!

    Good luck as you work towards healthy! emoticon
    2420 days ago
    The older I get, the more my body & I are becoming thoroughly acquainted with each other, & the more I realize just how different one human body can be from the next human body. Sooooo different sometimes. And it would be really nice if, at some point, the medical establishments & the health establishments would begin thinking along these lines, rather than giving a person so much grief if they find their body & thus their path might be a little more individual.

    I applaud you for trying to find out what works for YOU. It takes a lot of strength.

    I agree with you that secrets are never the answer. ClosetProblems become MajorProblems. Closets are prisons. I come from a large Irish clan on my mother's side. Mum was so good at sleuthing out secrets that the CIA passed up a major opportunity when they didn't hire her as Director. And, when the wagons needed circling & there were secrets to be kept, even the devil couldn't have tortured it out of anyone in the family. And in the end? Nothing was ever solved, nobody was ever made whole or healed. Secrets can't heal themselves, & secrets won't go looking for help.

    My prayers go with you. ~~Cindy~~
    2420 days ago
    Glad you felt good when weighing this morning. I don't know what to think about the meds. But, in all things I think it's wise to listen to your body; we do react in different ways.
    I don't know what's going on with DD, but time is a great healer. Life is bumpy and the bumps bring growth and strength; hang in there.
    In all things I wish you well. emoticon
    2420 days ago
    Wishing you the best with your new plan.
    2420 days ago
    Oh, if we all could be as brave as you!
    Have the same insight in why we function the way we do - and face it.
    2420 days ago
    I think you deserve a medal for trying so hard and being such a 'kamikaze pilot'.
    I have a hard time, based on my own experiences, believing that fasting or any strict diet is an answer to binge eating problems... But I am willing to try to support you the best I can!
    If I may make a suggestion I think it may be good if you say 'I will try this' (the mosely approach) for x weeks. Maybe one month, or two. And then after that see if it really is for you and what it does or does not do. Take the 'experiment' approach not the all-or-nothing approach.
    2420 days ago
    I'm in your corner, Meddy - whilst I can't predict where your effort and hard work (and yes, pain) will ultimately take you, I can tell you your self-awareness and introspection are achievements in their own right. It may be, at the end of the day, that they are the important successes. Socrates said "Know thyself" - that's the beginning of true wisdom.

    Re the meds: I find medicine often affects me so differently from "average" people, and sometimes even differently from how I might have reacted twenty years ago. Perhaps it's a consequence of aging, having a different balance of hormones and electrolytes and whatever in my body chemistry. Perhaps it's that after 60 years of random prescriptions for antibiotics and injections of this-and-that and whatever else goes on, my body doesn't react the way it once would have. Or maybe I just don't metabolize medicine at 60 the way I did at 30. Whatever the reason, I try to be very careful in prescriptions I take, as I think no one can tell as well as I can just how they make me feel.

    If a small dose leaves you feeling sleepy or slow-witted, then it may be your dose should be lowered somewhat, even if most people take more. Check with your doctor about running an experiment to try to sort out which level will work best for you. It could be a fine line between "doesn't have any effect and isn't achieving what it's supposed to" versus "I feel thick-headed all the following day." There's an in-between, it just might take a while to find the optimum dose. Thinks me.
    2420 days ago
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