I have learned not to ask for support when I do my "Kamikaze" efforts as most people consider it a dumb thing to do. Therefore I have also learned to be secretive about them, I keep them to myself because I don´t want to be told that I am on the wrong track. Being secretive is not a good thing, that is what my mother always did, lied and hid all the things she thought others would not approve of... I hated the lying but inherited the secret acting... but I am learning that I like myself better when I don´t hide things so I will be open about my attempts with Michael Mosleys book. It is not easy - I do know that I might very easily fall off this particular wagon and if I am open about climbing on it I will have to be open about falling off it too. Which is yet to be seen... I also had some bad experience with this, when I was in a BLC challenge and did some fasting, it rendered me a letter from Spark authorities and I was exspelled from the team. That was probably caised bu some misunderstandings but it was hurtful and unfair.
I am a desperate fatty ready to try almost anything (still not into that gastric bypass, would get that operation if I asked for it but the weight is a symptom not the disease so I don´t want it - yet) but reading about the research of fasting also gave me a lot of hope and spoke to my heart. Maybe this is for me. As I wrote yesterday, the detailed questions from people on the website confused me because I did not read that book as a fixed schedule, I read it as an explanation of effects of research and how some people has adapted these findings into their lifestyle. And that each person probably has to try out what works for them.
And as I am a little drastic in my personality I needed to start with four days, mostly because I want to get back on the scale... and that was achieved this morning
but I will need some very restricted days more before it is "real" this mornings number is just due to water I think. But I am still weirdly happy about the high number as it gives me hope that I will have a lott less pain and be able to move if I get rid o these extra winter kilos. I went biking with doggy yesyerday, it is not possible to bike on gravel or woody roads yet, to soft or too much ice and my winter weight also makes it very hard to move, but I did ten minutes around the village and have to be happy about it.
Another small victory - I had haddock, lettuce,tomato and cucumber as dinner yesterday - it was 300-something calores so I added oil and vinegar and thus reached 450 cal in that meal. AND of course it started the failure-devil talking "you have eaten, you might as well go on" followed by "look at those bananas, they will grow old if you don´t eat them and a banana is not harmful"...knowing very well that one banana would be all four of them and then "all is lost" and go bingeing. I do not know if I will ever be able to eat outside my plan, but today I know I cannot. Yeserday I managed to stay with my plan and I am really really grateful for it.
I also went to the AA lunch meeting, we were seven and it was a really good meeting. I could touch the pain I have with my daughter and even believe that it is okay - I repeat my mantra of the horrible cancer days "everything is just the way it is supposed to be" I was also honest to my sister and my OA-friend of the situation and they listened and supported me, that was great and the shame and guilt I felt was a little better. I am very fond of the books of Elisabet Kübler Ross and I will have to look for them in my library and reread some stuff and see if I still think it is great.
I went to bed without that pill yesterday evening and got to sleep at least six hours. Had some unpleasant nightmares - shame and guilt - and woke up a three but the sleepiness I get from those pills is also a disadvantage the week I am in deadline - it is a choice between Scylla and Karybdis...deep healthy sleep and a lot of sleepiness during the day or more disturbed sleep and wide awake when I am awake - I am also wondering if I am just pretending how it affects me - reading the descriptive paper tells me that the anxiety-releasing effect should stay about four hours, and I get sleepy for about 24...and that is even after they changed the prescription into a lighter kind, 10 mg instead of 25 mg AND with anxiety I should take 2-5 every day, I would be unconcious I think as I only take one and get sleepy 24 hours...
Anyway today is work day, it is still very cold during nights, but the sunny days really takes the snow away.
Returning to my headline of this blog - I will be very grateful for all the support you might offer - I am grateful for nice things written so far!