Monday, March 25, 2013
My daughter arrives with a bus 11.55 today - tha means I can´t attend the AA lunch meeting I usually go to mondays.No biggie, it is just that I got reminded that when I first got sober I was really scared for relapse and listened hard to those coming back from relapses and trying to get sober again - and they all said that it started with not attending AA meetings. So I thought that I would be safe as long as I attend meetings.
I have a little problem with my alcoholism - it never went overboard with me. When I stopped drinking it was only me being worried and I have gotten a lot of comments afterwards from people that think I was overreacting as they had never thought I had any problems. And this is not denial, I am still not biologically addicted, I can share communion and I can have cough medicin with alcholol without geting cravings - I can´t drink soically, because I am a very typical on-off person. It was the same with smoking, I could not smoke the nice four cigaretes a day - when I smoked I smoked and the solution was to stop entirely.
Now and then I fool myself that I could drink just on special occasions - and maybe I could, but it would be like having dynamite in the closet without knowing if or when it would exlode. AND as I have his suicidal streak I should stay away from all things that makes my mind more uncontrolled.
Easter is coming up - I just got invited to a "easterbreakfast" - at eleven and there will probably be a lot of alcohol. I can´t say that I look forward to it but I sometimes feel that I am getting to odd, daughter needs to see that I do "normal" things also...
And I have a lamb steak left - maybe I´ll invite some people over during easter also - but then I need to combine it with something more than just eating... that is a rather boring occupation mostly, you get disgustedly full and go home burping...