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One Year Later... Still Trying... The Good, The Bad & The Ugly...

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I had really been looking forward to this day, but it has ended up coming at a time where I am REALLY REALLY struggling. I have been on Spark off and on since 2009, but March 20, 2012 I came back and got serious. I started that day at 262, 10 pounds down from my highest weight, and I have gotten as low as 209. But am currently sitting back at about 212.

I am going through a very rough patch, and I can't sit here and pretend that everything is emoticon's and emoticon's when it's not. I had hoped to be sitting here at a much lower weight, preferably in Onederland, but sometimes things don't go as planned.

For total disclosure, I was eating VERY poorly before Vegas, I ate terribly in Vegas and that pattern has continued after I got back, with a visit from TOM. It is no shock that I have gone from 209 back up to 212...My good buddy did remind me that sometimes a little bit of weight coming back is the reality check that we need to remind ourselves of what needs to be done.

I have been stuck at 212 since Halloween, and when I finally got under it I was so happy, but then started sabotaging myself... I know there is a part of me that is truly scared to lose this weight. I have admitted it before, and as I approach Onederland it is really becoming a reality that I CAN accomplish what I set out to do and it scares me. I know there was some physical stuff that my body was truly at a plateau for some time and it wouldn't budge no matter what I did... I think my body has overcome the physical hurdles and now it is the mental hurdles that are blocking me from reaching my goals.

I have a lot of personal stuff going on, and boys have a lot to do with it. It really kills me that I allow a boy, and my emotions to mess up my weight loss journey. It is not an excuse, I have full control and I am the one that ALLOWS this to happen, but it frustrates me that I do that. I know better, there are times I feel like I have learned a lot and come long way... and then there are times where I feel like I am back to square one.

I am trying to take the boy situation into my own hands, and because I am single I need to really start trying to date and meet people. It is so hard for me, I let my weight and more importantly HOW I FEEL about my weight hold me back. But I keep sitting on the couch and letting life pass me by, and I really need to get my act together. I will most likely be meeting a brand new boy on Friday if all goes according to plan, and that causes me a great deal of stress, anxiety and also a bit of sadness that despite the situation with "the boy", I am still very single.

I am sorry that this blog is such a downer, I am just in a pretty bad place right now and that is why this blog is the way this is. When I envisioned writing this months ago I intended it to be a super happy blog with all sorts of accomplishments, but that just isn't how I'm feeling today.

To try and end on a brighter note emoticon, this is the longest I have tried to lose weight without giving up. Despite being in a bad place and regaining some weight, I am not throwing in the towel. I am still walking at work and walking Sparky faithfully emoticon... I have kept off 60 pounds total (50 pounds from this past year) successfully and keeping off ANY amount of weight is a huge deal for me. I am ready for more, I am ready to dig myself out of the rut, but any positive energy you could throw my way would be really appreciated during this difficult time. emoticon I am so thankful for all my Spark Friends, you are the reason I am here and not giving up. I LOVE YOU ALL, but quick special shout outs to Susan, Shelby, Alyssa, Elizabeth, Heather, Grace, Michelle and just well, EVERYONE because you are all seriously amazing! emoticon emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Don't you ever forget how awesome you are.
    3012 days ago
    okay so I could just do the emoticon emoticon emoticon thing but you know me, I have more to say than that. You are NOT trying to do this thing, you are doing it! Look at what you wrote...You have lost 60 pounds! That isn't trying, that is doing! Don't be gettin' it twisted! You are an inspiration to me and to so many others. Yes, you have struggled and are having a hard time right now but you are keeping at it. You are taking things head on and becoming more confident and now you are stepping out of your comfort zone and going on a date! That is doing it! I am not sure if I even want emoticon 's & emoticon 's lol!!!

    You have had an incredible year and your next year is going to see Onederland and the GOAL line! Cue the emoticon !!!

    3014 days ago
    What a great summation of your year - I only have one issue with it... the title.

    One year later and still *trying*? You are past the point of trying Stephanie - you are succeeding! Your biggest fear going into this was that you would give up around the same time you always did. You passed that and are still going strong (especially with the exercise) and you need to see that as your biggest success!

    You are doing so amazing!
    3015 days ago
    A three pound gain is manageable. Considering that this weight loss journey never ends, only changes, there are going to be times in your life when you have a gain. Look at the big picture. Are you going to do something different than you did last week so you don't gain anymore? If so, dust your shoulders off and treat it as a week in one of the many weeks of your life and get past it. I wish you the best.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3016 days ago
    You add the end of your blog as if it's a throwaway line. Don't you realize you have accomplished an amazing thing? Not only that, you have been maintaining it for months. Forget about boys for now. Don't let that run your life. Concentrate on you, the boy situation will take care of itself. One day the right one will come along and go "wow!" And you'll wonder why you let the situation bother you. Just go on being the amazing person you are and someone will notice. Maybe more than one. emoticon
    3016 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    3016 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12188126
    Good for you for sticking with your goals even when the going gets tough. And boys will be boys... they will come and they will go - and eventually a great one will stay forever with you. Remember to be good to yourself first. Remember to treat yourself with love and respect and the rest will all fall into place.

    You are worth every ounce of effort you put into making you a better person - inside and out. It is a journey - keep going forward... all kinds of wonderful things and people will find you along the way - and you will find your way.....to peace and happiness ....
    3017 days ago
    Congrats on sticking with it for 1 year. 50lbs gone is awesome. I have been stuck on my plateau since mid October and can't seem to shake it either. Going to have to completely rethink what I have been doing. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result and that is what I have been doing. Going to have to try something completely different to get unstuck just not sure what that is but I am going to keep trying. We can do this. I have faith that you will reach and maintain your goal.
    3017 days ago
    The drama with boys is a downer but don't let that, or anything else, stop you from reveling in the full scope of your accomplishment! You have kept off 60 POUNDS! You have been on your journey for a YEAR! These are amazing things and I'm very proud of you.
    3017 days ago
    Congrats on your year and all you have accomplished in that time! Trust me, keeping the weight off is just as important as losing it. You have built up a lot of internal strength this year as well. The fight you've endured during your weight loss journey has made you stronger and better able to handle the stuff life throws at you. But keep in mind that even though you're stronger, you're not SuperWoman who can kick life's a** at every turn. Even SuperWoman has days where she's not at her best and times that she struggles. But getting through this rough time will be what makes you even stronger and more able to tackle other challenges in your life.

    As for "the boy"...dating (and relationships) should be a compliment to your life. It shouldn't wind up causing you to pause your life and your goals in order to do it. You want to feel confident, sexy, and independent when you get out in the dating world, and what better way to do that than to stick to healthy eating and exercise? I know when I've had a great workout and I've eaten well, I feel strong, confident, and ready to beat the boys off with a baseball bat emoticon

    A relationship should always be a wonderful addition to your life. If it's derailing you from your goals, then it's toxic and not worth having around. I used to hate being alone and would let the latest boy completely take over every aspect of my life. Now, being single still feels a bit lonely sometimes. I know that very well. And I do love B and we have had a great relationship. BUT...if I had to go back to being single, I know I'd be OK and I would focus on myself and my own happiness, which will be there with or without a guy in my life.

    I know you don't want life to pass you by, but having a guy in your life does not mean that it won't continue to do so if he's not the RIGHT guy for you at the RIGHT time. Don't feel like you have to get out there and date if you don't feel mentally up to it yet because you are pressuring yourself to do so. I'm not saying dating doesn't cause some jitters and some anxiousness, but it shouldn't be stressing you out so much. There will still be good men out there whenever you decide to start dating. It may feel like it, but they are not going to all be snapped up in the next 6 months.
    3017 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12976312
    emoticon on sticking with this for a whole year! You have come so far. I know you are feeling a bunch of emotions right now, many of them negative, but please don't forget what you have accomplished! I doubt if there's anyone out there who has lost a significant amount of weight with it all being emoticon s & emoticon s. If this was easy, none of us would be overweight!

    You've got this, Steph. I believe in you! And whatever boy you choose to spend time with is damn lucky! If he doesn't realize that, he's not worth it.

    3017 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12810164
    Hey, you are 50/60 pounds less than you would have been had you never started. That is awesome. Please tell me that you haven't forgotten how much work went into each and every one of those pounds! Dont get hung up on the what-ifs or could have beens. Sure you could have avoided a splurge or treat and could have stayed strong and kept losing instead of slowing down. But THIS IS part of the process. And you are NEVER alone. I hit the 40 pound loss back in November, ate a slighly higher calorie dinner that started me off on bad eating habits all over again. I was pretty much ruined til end of the year. I still haven't recovered completely. But you know what? I am here. Struggling too.

    If we weren't struggling, it would mean anything to us. We struggle because we want it. We struggle because we haven't given up yet. I know I am not giving up. Keep struggling my dear.

    3017 days ago
  • PRIZM96
    YOU got this, Girl! You have done amazing things! Losing and KEEPING OFF 60lbs is NO small feat!! CONGRATULATIONS & GREAT JOB!! We all fall into these little ruts and sometimes it takes a hand to pull you out or a foot kicking you in the butt, but nevertheless, we do tend to see ourselves out of them. Keep fightin' the good fight! This next year of Spark, is all you, Baby! :-)
    3017 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13261210
    Congratulations on losing and keeping 60lbs off. That is a massive achievement, well done.
    3017 days ago
    First of all, this is your blog. Blogs are for sharing the positive and the down days so no need to apologize at all.

    Keeping 60 lbs off is awesome! Look at how far you have come. Not how far you have to go. In time, you will get there. No matter how much you plan, sometimes life just has a different idea and we have to learn how to handle the situations that don't go our way. Way easier said than done.

    No matter how much weight we lose, a lot of us have to work on our self esteem and confidence. Focus on yourself and your health & never allow a guy or anyone for that matter to bring you down. Another thing that is easier said an done but you don't need a guy for validation. Your awesome single or not! Now, you just have to believe it.

    Recognizing your issues is half of the battle sometimes. Keep pushing and remember you CAN reach your goals.

    Good luck.


    3017 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/25/2013 8:16:38 AM
    emoticon you have done AWESOME do not let the "boys" bring you down or deter you from Onderland. I know easier said than done, I have done it a couple of times over in my lifetime. Don't be scared of putting yourself out there, if it doesn't click and don't settle either - You deserve much more !!!! In a year you have lost 50 pounds and kept it off, Onderland is a coming for you..... emoticon emoticon
    3017 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11888328
    Congrats! You should be so proud of yourself for sticking with it all this time. Everyone has their ups and downs. Keeping off 60 pounds is a HUGE accomplishment! Keep your head up and stay strong!!
    3017 days ago
    You have done amazing! You will continue to do amazing. Nothing ever goes perfect. Keeping the weight off is excellent! I know you have it in you to do everything you have set out to do.
    You had a great year, and just keep pushing. This is the start of another great year for you.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3017 days ago
    Girl, you've lost 50 lbs this year. FIFTY LBS!!!!!!!! That is a huge accomplishment! Don't downplay it ONE BIT! You may not have come as far as you wanted, but don't diminish your SUCCESS! emoticon
    3017 days ago
    emoticon Cuz sometimes that's what you need. Sometimes you need a emoticon kicking you in the okole and sometimes you need a profile picture just like mine to encourage you to pick yourself up, tug up those TWENTY PERCENT LOST and why in the world are you still wearing them big girl panties emoticon , step off with a newly invigorated plan for this the second day of spring and DO NOT put your eggs in a basket all about "a boy" cuz YOU are worth more than that. This is YOUR journey, your dreams, your story....WHEN you meet a man that fits into your story and you become friends based on a foundation of trust and friendship and then ideally love, you will MAYBE have it all but that's not what you should be basing your journey on sweetie. Nurture and care for and love YOU for YOU and be happy and in fact ecstatic about the accomplishments that you have made and the obstacles you have overcome. No boy got you where you are and no boy is going to get you the rest of the way. ALL YOU BABY! Bring it! emoticon because YOU are emoticon
    3017 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12088077
    Girl! Gah! This is SUCH an amazing accomplishment! I'm sorry you don't feel the joy of this amazing feat. I am so incredibly proud of you. I remember a couple months ago when you weren't sure that you could do this? Look where you are now! WOW! And the deep personal growth? It's a lot too! Weightloss is such a topsy turvy journey, the loops and dips and gains are all part of getting through.

    And you reminded me- I've been here a year too! I started on the 19th but totally forgot! YAY!

    Here's to another year, another adventure and a smaller butt! emoticon

    3017 days ago
    I hope you can get back in the weight loss groove.
    3017 days ago
    You can do this!!
    3017 days ago
    You mention feeling like you're back to square one sometimes, and I wonder why. Strictly physically speaking, square one was comfortable over 20% of your weight ago.
    You might not be losing currently, but neither are you piling on 6-7 pounds in a month, unlike some of us. Not only is that a physical win, it goes to show that you're in a far far better place mentally than you were before you started on this phase of the journey a year ago. Even in the throes of eating less than well, you're continuing to do the other things that keep that pesky weight thing in relative check. And whenever you defunk your way out of this little valley, maybe you'll find the plateau ran out when you weren't looking. (ok, that last sentence doesn't make all that much sense at face value, but I'm thinking you know exactly what I mean.)

    3017 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13049153
    I hope that things pick up for you I wish you all the best and seriously CONGRATS on going a year!!!!! You're awesome and amazing! I cant wait till I can say that Ive been a year strong. YOU CAN DO IT this rut will pass. If you need to talk anymore know that as your Sparkfriend I am here for you!
    3017 days ago
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