I'm a true believer... Don't tempt fate by asking "Why me?" or "What else can go wrong?" or "How much more am I supposed to take?" Because ultimately fate, or whatever it is that you want to call it, can and will bite you in the butt. I believe that and time and time again I've witnessed it. Once you wonder those kind of things, even in thought..... POW, you are hit with another doozey right between the eyes. Things CAN get worse and if you wanna ask, it will be known.
This is why I am often just grateful for what I have, even in times of hardship and challenges. I admit, I am only human, I have my moments, where I think to myself.... "Something has just gotta give. This is too much." I guess essentially that is similar to the above questions. However, I refuse to ask for more.
Another thing that helps me keep my head level at times is telling myself... "God will never give you more than you can take." I suppose meaning that he knows my heart, he knows my strength and he will not give me the challenges that will break me but give me the ones that will lead me. This is how I try to see it anyway. You may disagree and that is fine, but this works for me. Take a breath, remind myself of that little mantra and keep swimming to keep from drowning.
I know there are times when I write blog after blog and as of late, I've been pretty much gone with the wind. Life around here has been.... yep, challenging. Scares and heartache and worry and tears. I know I have posted updates a lot asking for prayers and wishes and I want to thank every single one of you for doing that. It means more to me than you will ever know. And so, I guess I decided to write this blog to finally share the WHY I have been asking... I realize it hasn't been fair to keep you all in the dark.
I'll be honest, while I am usually an open book and willing to share my thoughts, feelings about things and my life, some of these things are hard to share. I guess a part of me, thinks if I talk about these things I will be judged or that I would be tempting that "fate" to throw more curve balls at me right when I think I'm not sure how much more I can take. I know my problems are not more or less important than anyone elses but just the same, they are mine. I am in a way doing my best to keep from drowning and I hope you all understand and continue with the love and support that you have always offered me. It is a gift that I cherish and again, thank you!
So lets start...
This one has been hard to share because I guess it makes me feel like a terrible mom... I didn't teach my child well enough to know better but in reality, I know I have. Also, I know it is an embarrassing situation for our whole family and so I have debated with myself, on and off about talking about it for months. But I realize, I'm not going to give away direct identities and really, what are you going to do, throw rocks at my son on the streets? No, I think not... Anyways, I digress a little...
Four months ago, my eldest son was caught shop lifting while on a shopping trip with his grandparents. This in itself was bad enough. However, my son decided to do a "typical" teenage thing in the very worst of circumstances. He did it on a military base. With his grandparents.. With his retired Navy man grandfather who earned his right to use their PX after 20 years of service. On Veteran's day weekend.
This came as a shock to our entire family and rocked it at the core. His grandfather has yet to see or speak to either of my children since it has happened. That in itself is devastating to everyone involved. You would think that would be enough to get through to my son, well that and having his rights read to him. I know it would have for me and I would be kissing butt like a big ole suck up right about now. But for my son... not so much.
He still walks in the door 4 hours after school is let out without a check in call. He still hasn't earned the money to pay for the fees his actions incurred. He walks around like he owns the world. He is still getting less than stellar grades in school and has a bad attitude. Although I must admit that the last two have improved some.
I am at my whits end and my husband has all but given up on trying to get through to him. We've yelled and screamed and taken away privileges and belongings. Threatened and even begged. Like I said, his attitude is better. His relationship with his little brother has improved some. He's being more brotherly rather than a bully. He is making the tiniest of efforts but in all honesty, it isn't enough because for every step forward he makes, he does something that takes him two steps back.
I refuse to give up on my child but at the same time I don't know what else I can do short of washing my hands of him. He has community service that I must attend with him for his thieving ways and I'm willing to do that but he needs to also make his amends himself and on his own accord. I am hoping he will see the error in his ways... SOON! Gah! Teenagers!!!
The next thing has me sort of confused and for some reason, I can't seem to get it out of the back of my mind. In the grand scheme of things, it isn't much. My husband and I have been together for 19 years and married for almost 16. There have been times that I have worried that he may wander. This mostly comes when I am super down on myself and wonder... "why wouldn't he? I wouldn't blame him, look at me! Gross!" However, I also have never been given any reason to believe that he has or ever will stray. It's just an insecurity of mine when I'm down and low.
However, a month and a half or so ago... I opened a letter from our bank to him. (I have always opened this kind of stuff, so I wasn't betraying a trust or anything, I'm just the one who deals with these things.) It was a letter declining his application for a credit card. Now this alone wouldn't have been a big deal but our bank had been calling for him for a few weeks by this point and kept refusing to talk to me even though my names are on all of our accounts. So, I naturally asked him about it. He said he had no clue why they kept calling. Then this... as you might guess, my brain went on over drive and well, I had to ask myself... "Why would he need a secret credit card?" and "If he just wanted to see if he could get one, then why not just tell me he applied?"... Stuff like that... I went into a tailspin of worry, doubt, anger, distrust and hurt.
I asked him about it with the letter in my hand, calmly I might add. He looked genuinely confused. He took the letter from me and swore he did not apply for one and while a huge part of me believed him, I had a letter right there with an application number. Hmmmm.... ponderance... However, the next day, something else happened that made that credit card application fall to the wayside. Made it seem insignificant and unimportant.
I got an email from my doctor....
A few blogs ago, I talked about giving up on myself. I stopped taking care of myself and was trying to get back on track. I finally went back to my doctor and she got blood tests out of me. I got them back and as I expected, my sugars had been scary high.... 12.3 A1C high!!! My doctor ended up referring me to go back to my endocrinologist. I then emailed her back asking what all the other numbers and stuff meant because she said she was "concerned".
This was her email reply:
I will go ahead and put in the referral. Your cholesterol is high and your kidneys are starting to show the effects of the diabetes, showing that they are sustaining some damage. The most important thing is to get the sugars down. Hopefully Dr. O***** can be helpful with that.
BOOOOOOOM! My world imploded. What!?!
But a part of me knew, I hadn't felt quite right in some time. I made the biggest mistake anyone can make and googled kidney failure and scared myself out of my whits. In my opinion WebMD is just evil!!!! All it does is scare the crap out of you without knowing details if your situation. So I got scared... REALLY scared.
My appointment with the endocrinologist was 4 1/2 weeks away and I didn't know what any of it meant. I should have called my doctor and asked for more details but I didn't. Instead I stayed scared.
For 4 weeks, I told myself to be hopeful because a couple of reasons....
1. If it was where as bad as it could be, they wouldn't let me wait and would want to see me immediately.
2. If it was that bad, she would have been sending me to a kidney specialist rather than an endocrinologist.
3. This was a new development because she hadn't mentioned anything about it from my blood work 6 months before.
Sounds fair enough right? This is how I survived those 4 weeks. I have been working like mad to get my sugars under control. Right now I am mainly focusing on taking my meds, every dose, when I am supposed to and watching my food intake... watching those despicable carbs! They are coming down... still need some tweeking but I am truly trying.
Last week, I finally saw that endocrinologist... she said my 12.3 a1c translates into over 300 constantly. Sounded about right. Even fasting was often 300+. She didn't even notice the results about my kidneys, I had to ask. She said that I have protein in my urine but my kidney function in my blood looks fine. She said that first you see it in the urine and if it persists then it starts the kidney damage/disease that you see in blood work. Good(ISH) news, I'm not dying tomorrow! Getting those sugars down will help immensely!!!
She wanted to change up my insulin quite a bit but it turns out that for just ONE bottle is an outrageous price.... $800!!! After insurance $300. I just can't afford that, so we are currently considering other options and I am continuing the regime I am currently on until we can figure out other options. Working on it more than I have in 13 years and I believe that is a good step forward... a step at a time. We will get this under control... FINALLY! I have faith in that.
So onto the NEXT!
Like I said, my husband and I have been married for nearly 16 years.... in these years, my husband has not had a single check up in all those years. I'd mention it and he'd say yeah, but my health needs seem to have always come first and I feel terrible about this but neither of us really pushed the need because he has always been very healthy.
He gets a bug... he kicks it in 2-3 days when the rest of us struggle for 2 weeks. One out of four times he actually gets something. He is active. He is well, presumably healthy.... But with the kidney scare, I went to him and said, if he expected me to get healthier then he had to see the doctor too. Our family needed a health overhaul!
So he agreed, he asked me to go with him and I did. Good thing too because half the time both him and the doctor looked to me to answer questions, hahaha. He blood tests done and were relatively great. His cholesterol is high but can be managed with diet and he needs vitamin D..... the downfall to living in Seattle.
But another thing came up, and he probably wouldn't be thrilled that I am sharing this but I don't know any way around it. He let her know that he has been having blood in his stool. I knew this but I didn't know everything. She examined him and couldn't see anything so she recommended a colonoscopy.
He did that yesterday. They did the procedure on his own but when I went back to recovery to see him, it was all I could do to not break into tears. He lay there with an oxygen tube up his nose and an IV in his arm and for the first time ever, I realized that he wasn't superman. He looked so frail and it was such a contrast in rolls from the norm that it threw me for a loop. I'm the sick one, not him.
I love my husband. I always have. I don't know if I REALLY realized just how much before that moment. He has been my hero and my rock and I am so scared of losing him. Of him getting sick. Of anything that would break us apart too soon. I am terrified. It turns out he had 3 polyps which are out to pathology and we go back in two weeks to find out what they found. The hope is that they are not cancerous. Prayers on that one please and yet another sit and wait to find out kind of thing.
During all of this, 2 weeks ago, my youngest was roller skating at school and fell and broke his arm. He broke both bones in his forearm clean through but luckily no displacement. He is sporting a bright red cast for the next couple of weeks. I received a letter from the insurance company saying they are going to go after a "third party" for the responsibility of the bill but um, really? Hope that gets figured out, I called and answered their questions like they asked and we will see what happens. I hope we don't have to fit the whole bill.
Also, my youngest is being bullied by "his friends" and I am currently waiting to hear from the principle about this. It's been going on for a while and he didn't want me to get involved but when he asked if he could go to a different school next year, I had had enough. Poor guy. He is such a sweetheart and has been standing by the drama of his brothers crap and watching his family go through some tough things and now being teased too. Mama bear isn't too happy about that.
My mother doesn't help situations either but what else is new, lol. My brother lives with us right now and it is a strain on everyone financially and otherwise. Thank goodness he is a pretty nice guy or he would drive me crazy. My sister rarely speaks to me but I know her life is stressful being out of work that just adds to concern for my family, direct and otherwise.
My grandmother has been ill with some lung condition that everyone isn't talking about except saying it is going to claim her life soon and my aunt who has MS is deteriorating even though she tries so hard to hide it.
Life is full of so many joys and wonder and even through all of that, I am looking for those little glimmers that brighten my day. But also, there are all those fears and worries. I am trying to stay strong... to fight through it all. It is an everyday battle but like I said... I'm not quite drowning.
Thanks for reading.
Hope you all are well.
Please keep those prayers, wishes, thoughts or whatever you believe in coming and I will happily return them.
Seize the day and look for the good even when you are scared.