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Putting a Plan in Place

Friday, February 15, 2013

I have decided I cannot wait until March 1st, so I'm going to start now. Well, Monday. But only because I'm going out of town this weekend and it would be beyond stupid to pile on something else with what I already have planned (and the driving...the driving is going to kill me. I used to LOVE driving...I've driven so many places in my life...but now it's just pain the whole way. I can manage with the cruise control pretty well, but it still hurts to be in that position for very long).

Week 1:
February 18th Weigh In
February 18-February 23
Eat a Paleo diet - Whole30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Start measuring food and recording it.
Yoga week 1
Day 1: yoga.about.com/od/beginn

Week 1: yoga.about.com/od/beginn

Week 2:
Feburary 24th Weigh In
Feburary 24-March 3
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT February 28th and March 1st, which will be dinners out
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food, but don't stress if you can't record the dinners out
Yoga week 2: yoga.about.com/od/beginn

Week 3:
March 3rd Weigh In
March 3-9
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
No more than 2 lunches out
Measure and record all food
Yoga week 3: yoga.about.com/od/beginn

Week 4:
March 10 Weigh In
March 10-16
Eat a Paleo Diet - Whole 30 Approved when possible
EXCEPT March 15-16 (out of town visiting a friend for her B-day)
No more than 1 lunch out
Measure and record all food until the 15th
Yoga week 4: yoga.about.com/od/beginn

How is the foot?
Can we start walking? If so, put a walking plan into place.
Start slow and work your way up.
You can probably move on to more advanced Yoga for sure. Add in some advanced moves and try to perfect them each morning with your routine.
Add in afternoon or evening walks if your foot feels up to it. If not, add in some lifting or ST routine to your evening, even if it's squats by the stove as you cook.

On March 18, begin your Paleo/Whole30 Diet.
See if what you're eating throughout the day fits into suggested calorie counts. If not, adjust.
Don't let yourself eat out more than 2 times a week, and even then try to stay Paleo. You can have bread now and again on a lunch out, but not every day.
Dinners out for the rest of the March - at least one. A date night with Hubs on either March 22 or March 29. Go out. Enjoy. Don't stress over your diet. Give yourself the night off and just enjoy life.

Look, I've come to realize that I can't do this like the rest of you. I can't just set strict rules and diet because there is NO END IN SIGHT and I'm about to lose my ever-loving mind. What happens is my body stalls out and no matter how hard I push it won't budge, so I go off the rails and do what I've done in the past - I have no rules and eat whatever I want and go back to my binge and emotional eating disorder habits. Because that's what's safe. I know what to expect. I could eat on plan every day for 3 months and gain 10 pounds instead of losing. I never know what my body is going to do when I'm pushing it. But when I let it go, it does what it does best - gain, then maintain.

So how do I break this mentality and keep my sanity? Especially right now when everything is crazy and stressful? I have to let myself have my moments. If I stick to a "plan" about 80% of the time, it shouldn't hurt too awful bad when the other 20% rears its ugly head. I have to be able to visit my friends and celebrate holidays and go have a date with my husband at least once or twice a month. I have to formulate and build and expand upon those relationships, because they've had to live through me being so frustrated with my inability to lose weight and have had angry mom for way too long. If my child and I are out and he wants Frozen Yogurt because we never have it, I want him to not be afraid to ask. I also want the willpower to not let his eating habits affect my own. Just because he has yogurt doesn't mean I have to have some if I don't really want it. But it also means I CAN have some if I do.

I have no clue if this method will work. I'm used to 2-3 years of hard work followed by a year or so of just eating whatever I want, gaining back 30-50 pounds and then coming back for another couple years of hard fighting.

I have no illusions that I will ever be skinny. I gave up on that dream. And you can tell me to think positively, but wishing for something that can never happen just hurts me. I will never, and I do mean NEVER, match the vision in my head of how I see myself. But I can enjoy my life and not hate myself or my body if I just learn to accept who I am and what I really have to work with. Hopefully I can firm up. Maybe one day I'll be able to get some of this crap removed from me (which, honestly, might be the only way I'll rid myself of it). I'm not one of the lucky ones, but I can't be bitter and hate those of you who are. You decided to lose weight and didn't have a bump in the road the whole way and now you're happy and healthy and doing commercials? Good for you. My path is different.

I've had too many people along the way tell me I think the wrong way or I'm doing the wrong thing. I've had people here tell me I'm pushing too hard while others tell me to push harder. Which is it? What I've come to realize is that I'm tired living in everyone else's world and mind. I have to accept who I am - even if that's a little bit sarcastic and a whole lot of sass and not the most optimistic. Whatever. It's gotten me this far, right? I look around at what I've done with my life with who I am and not who everyone wanted me to be and the only thing I'm sad about is that I didn't accept myself sooner. My whole life I had everyone telling me I should hide things about myself, be a different person, act differently, think differently, BE different completely. I tried. I honestly 100% tried. I can't. And I'm tired of trying.

I'm the girl who IS sarcastic and probably too pessimistic.
I'm the girl everyone gets to say "I told you so!" when something good happens that I didn't expect, because I've fought so long for something that never happened and never happened and then BOOM! there it is.
I have sass and flare. I make a TON of mistakes. I curse when my children are around.
I don't attend church regularly because I believe that a lot of it is a farce and some of the meanest people I've met have done horrible things to me and the people I love and then claimed they were "good, Christian people". I will make my own ideas about religion and God and they will probably center more around treating other people with respect and dignity and basic human kindness.
I will be a staunch supporter of equal rights (SO glad I don't have to hide that one anymore) for EVERYONE. Because people are people and no stupid relgion in the world can make any rational argument as to why some people are better than others because of whatever characteristic about them is different.
What's more, I will argue with you if I feel you ARE being stupid about these topics. I'm not going to turn a blind eye anymore. (Like I said, thankfully my job change means I CAN be more open and honest about this.) I'm not doing it to hurt your feelings, but if you want to isolate an entire group of people or bring some sort of hate upon them - I have a responsiblity to say SOMETHING...even though I know you won't listen.
I'm going to allow myself to be bold while still trying to be kind. There is a fine line between "If you don't have anything nice to say..." and "The only way for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing..." (and I'm not looking up either of those to make sure they're right).

I'm going to dare to be wrong.
I'm going to dare to have fun and look stupid doing it.
I'm going to beg for forgiveness and not ask for permission.

Why? Because it's MY DAMN LIFE.
I have to live it...not you.
And I'm not happy being someone that makes you happy to be around.
I will take other people's feelings into account, but I will not allow myself to be degraded and put down and smashed into the ground and made to feel insignificant just so YOU can feel okay/good about yourself. I have to stop sacrificing myself ALL THE DAMN TIME.

And as far as health and diet is concerned...I am going to stop apologizing for being human.
I'm going to stop feeling like I failed ALL OF YOU because I have this major injury. I'm going to allow myself the safe and easy recovery time I need. Even if that means I can't ever run again. I wanted to prove you all wrong...all you who thought I couldn't or shouldn't run. And, honestly, I did. I spent a whole month running a 5k EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. I ran 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 miles straight. Did I get hurt? Yes. But not one doctor attributes my injury to my running, and neither do I. I attribute it to horrible bone structure, lack of stretching (that's my impatience coming out...), and inability to purchase appropriate equipment. I also attribute some of it to the people who wouldn't listen when I told them I needed help. It took a lot for me to stand in front of that guy and tell him I was a runner and needed new shoes. Instead of fitting me like they do everyone else, he got me in and out as fast as possible and I have no doubt he didn't believe me for a second. To him, I was a joke. And, yes, I lay some fault with him.

So there it is. My plan..and a rant. Because I needed to get it out of me. I'm ready to move on with my life, and part of that is accepting that I'm not one of those quick in-and-out dieters. I'm going to be at this my ENTIRE life and will probably never reach my goal without some sort of surgical intervention. Take it or leave it.

Oh, and one last thing. I'm the girl who changes her plans...so be prepared to see this one get morphed into something else. I'm still not sure if Paleo is really what I want for myself. I think I like clean eating better. I think if I can adapt Paleo and Jamie Eason's eating plan in the LiveFit program together I might be able to live with that and do it forever. Part whole eating, part Paleo, part vegetarian. I've never EVER been all of one thing in my life, why did I think I would be this time? I want to see cheese and bread and sweets in my future - so I have to learn to adapt those or accept those in moderation or something. We shall see what comes of it. I'll label it the Esther Diet and sell billions of book and have people eating out of my hands in no time!! ;)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    At least you can say "again". Must be nice to know what that's like.
    2997 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9394210
    emoticon That was a lot of pent up crap coming out! emoticon
    I am now on the ELMM diet : Eat Less,Move More.
    I am doing my own thing too, and I also had to accept that i'll never be skinny again without surgery ( I wrote a blog about this Friday).

    Losing weight and keeping it off is the hardest thing in the word but I think you're on the right track!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2999 days ago
    Oh yea, just do what works for you and don't EVER be afraid to be who you are. And other peole can just go jump off a cliff if they don't like it! From one going to fat forever girl, YOU GO GIRL!

    2999 days ago
    Strong girl...
    3001 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/16/2013 10:26:06 AM
    One day/step at a time, and you will do it

    3002 days ago
    Do what works for you, that is the bottom line, and don't listen to those who would tell you any differently. And keep changing and tweaking and trying different things until you find what really does work best for you and what you can do for the rest of your life; that's the only way to maintain some measure of sanity and keep going.
    3002 days ago
    Thanks for sharing that yoga program. I think I'll do it soon too.
    3002 days ago

    *ditto* what Notaboutheface said...

    Live your life to the fullest and the rest be d@mned!

    3002 days ago
    I haven't been reading blogs lately, but your disclaimer drew me in. Glad it did. You sound strong. I am a big believer in the 80/20 rule - I live by it as well, and I hope you find it works as well for you, too! xo
    3002 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    I think the 80% plan is a good idea - realistic without being too overly focused. :-)
    3002 days ago
    You GO Girl !!! It's your life, I am here to support in what you are doing not what others want you do to. You know you, more than anyone!!!! emoticon
    3002 days ago
    Screw what other people think. Screw what your body is *supposed* to do when X+Y=Z on paper but not on you. Screw people who do crap in the name of God and act fartherest from what He would want. Do what works for your mind, body and heart. People here, there and everywhere don't have to like it because you're not living your life for them. So pfffffft!

    3002 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6553009
    I seriously love reading your blogs. You are honest, open and real. . I can't wait to see your next blogs about your progress, victories, changes, good times and bad times! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3002 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    Well I read your blog, and actually I think I always do when I see them because frankly you have your head screwed on right, you are not afraid to be frank and honest... and not afraid of admitting you need to change or need to better your efforts.

    I think your planning ahead is a good idea.

    I hope you make it work.

    And feh to anybody who doesn't like your non-sugar coated blogs. Sugar free zones suit me just fine.
    3002 days ago
    3002 days ago
    I don't ever make anyone read my blogs, but I'm sorry if this one didn't suit your fancy...it was for me.
    3002 days ago
    Wow - phew!!! Take small steps and build up habits they will stick. Be true to yourself. You can do this.
    3002 days ago
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