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The Great Escape

Sunday, February 03, 2013

As some of you may know, I have been trying to return to this journey of weight loss and health... I'm trying to find it in me to start all over again. I admittedly had checked out of trying to save my life and I am still desperately trying to find the strength to check back in... It is still a day by day battle. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Second by second.

My husband opens a bag of chips and it literally took me 3 hours of consciously fighting with myself to not get up and grab a handful. Lunch time comes... it takes everything in me to make myself believe that one sandwich is enough... Add a banana if you're still hungry (and I HATE bananas, lol). Dinner... Come on Marisa! One reasonably portioned meal is all you need.... Gah, I'm still hungry! Or so I think I am...

I. AM. STRUGGLING. Not only with the food but the get up and go. I don't know how to check back in. I don't know how to make myself "just do it". I am drowning in doubt about my ability to change my life around. How do you completely change a lifetime of bad habits and self loathing? How do you be the opposite of everything you know and have been comfortable with your entire life? How?

Honestly, I don't know but I'm doing my best to wing it. I probably am still eating too many calories but I am making an effort to pay attention rather than just shoveling. I have walked 3 days in a row now... not far, by all means, not far and not fast. But I am walking... I'm starting slow... The point is I'm starting... and for me, for now, that is enough...

Today, instead of giving into that extra sandwich or handful of chips I turned on my iPod and told my husband I was going for a walk... no kids, no dog, no him.... just me. It probably was the best decision for me. I needed to escape.... as I walked a song came on that threatened to bring on tears, touched on a message I need to keep repeating to myself until I get it.... and funny enough... it is called...

The Great Escape by P!nk


"The Great Escape"

I can understand how the edges are rough
And they cut you like the tiny slithers of glass
And you feel too much
And you don't know how long you're gonna last,

But everyone you know, is tryin'a smooth it over,
Find a way to make the hurt go away,
But everyone you know, is tryin'a smooth it over,
Like you're trying to scream underwater,
But, I won't let you make the great escape,
I'm never gonna watch you checkin out of this place
I'm not gonna lose you
Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep you alive someday
Gonna keep you alive someday

I feel like I could wave my fist in front of your face
And you wouldn't flinch or even feel a thing
And you retreat to your silent corner
Like you decided the fight was over for ya,

Everyone you know, is tryin'a smooth it over,
Find a way to make the hurt go away,
Everyone you know, is tryin'a smooth it over,
Everyone needs a floor they can fall through
I won't let you make the great escape,
I'm never gonna watch you checkin outta this place
I'm not gonna lose you
Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep you alive someday
They're gonna keep you alive someday

Oh, Terrified of the dark, but not if you go with me
And I don't need a pill to make me numb
And I wrote the book on runnin',
But that chapter of my life will soon be done

I'm the king of the great escape
You're not gonna watch me checkin outta this place
You're not gonna lose me
Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep us alive, someday
Yeah the passion and the pain
Are gonna keep us alive someday, someday

Upon hearing this, I realized she was singing to herself and in turn it felt like it should be me saying the same thing to myself. I have checked out. A part of me wants to make that great escape while the other part doesn't. I have retreated and I have to fight and not let myself give up.

Again, I don't know how to do that. I listened to this song over and over again. Even after, I had arrived home again after my walk. I sat on my front porch, felt the wind hit my face and hair and tried to just soak it all in. A part of me still wants to fight. Now the goal is, is to not let the part of me is drowning win.

I will find it (hopefully sooner than later) and thanks to you all... with all of your love and support, I want to keep searching till I do.

I hope you all enjoy the song and it's message.
Much love and emoticon , Marisa

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Love the song!

    I know the feeling, of the total struggle. I am doing the "fake it till you make it" it worked for me before, and I hope it works again. That and sinking all my extra time into reading, reading, reading blog on here. when I get tempted, I keep my mind busy by reading other who are motivated. It works for me.

    Hanging in there girl, your doing great!

    3006 days ago
    That song made me cry. You can do this. Keep plugging along. You're getting there. I promise.

    3010 days ago
    I am in the same boat as you. I have been struggling for weeks. It's like I've given up. I keep saying I'm going to get back on track. But then I buy sweets and don't get on the treadmill. We CAN do this. No one said it would be easy. And it certainly isn't.
    3011 days ago
    I think you are incredible!!!! You describe some major choices in this blog that are good for you!!!! You chose to go for a walk, no chips, just one sandwich, etc. those are wonderful things that you did for yourself!!!!
    One day at a time, one meal at a time if needed, one minute at a time.
    I hope you continue to make these positive choices for yourself!
    3012 days ago
    You can do this, sweetypants. It's not just your looks, it's your life. Start small. =)
    3012 days ago
  • VALYNN26
    Keep swimming. As long as you keep swimming you're not going to drown. Baby steps. 1 day at a time. Don't focus on how much you have to do, how far you have to go. 1 thing at a time. 1 day at a time. Set goals for yourself each day, something new. You are doing great. You're an amazing person. FIGHT!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!! emoticon emoticon Great job on the walks!! Iam so proud of you! emoticon emoticon emoticon

    *I don't feel like working out everyday & sometimes literally have to argue with myself to get up & do something. I have found that on those days is when I push the hardest.*
    3012 days ago
    What a great choice.. to get out and walk for you. And you had some real me time. Time to listen... you are so special. One second at a time. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3013 days ago
    Baby steps Marisa! Choose one thing at a time to change....don't overwhelm yourself with making numerous changes. There's no timetable to this, it takes as much or as little time as YOU need. emoticon emoticon
    3013 days ago
  • KATE_70
    Pink is amazing... I know you will find yourself soon Marisa. Commit to one thing a day. There is magic in making a commitment. Breath and know you will be OK
    3013 days ago
    Start with one change for this week.
    Maybe-All foods you consume must be 'healthy' regardless of calories.

    Maybe next week we work to maintain and not gain with these foods.

    The following week we begin to tweak the foods to stay within allotted calorie limits to lose 1 pound a week.

    You might design a different plan, but take it in small steps and be kind to yourself.

    Thinking of you,

    3013 days ago
    You start with baby steps.
    Watching what you're eating, logging it, being conscious.
    Do you remember when you first started SP? That's all that's asked of you the first week. That and maybe 10 mins of exercise 3 times a week.
    You are doing it! It's always going to be a struggle, to some extent. We are addicts.
    You are off to an amazing start!
    Forget where you were or where you should be. Do what you need to do today, and when you can't do that, do it tomorrow.
    3013 days ago
    I agree that you should do what you can do each day. It doesnt have to be all or nothing every day for the rest of your life for you to be successful. Going for a walk was a huge accomplishment. Give yourself a pat on the back. Today was Super Bowl and therefore a naturally difficult day to avoid temptation. Ultimately, you're going to have to want this For yourself Marisa. You CAN do it. You ARE worth it. It is not easy, but its a manageable hard. The best thing is you hold the reigns. No one else can keep you from succeeding of you want to.

    Congratulations on checking in and holding yourself accountable. Food lust is so difficult to overcome. I had a really crappy day today. I didn't exercise. I ate way out of range and I didn't drink my water. Tomorrow I will do what I'm supposed to do. And the day after, etc. the routine gives me comfort and solace. It is the ONE thing I can control. (not the number on the scale, but what I eat and how active I am). I didn't make good choices today. But it will be ok.

    You definitely made better choices than I did today. Getting away from the temptation and focusing on what's going on on the inside is a great tool. I need to remember that and try it.
    3013 days ago
    I know you're discouraged, but taking a walk instead of snaking with your husband is major! I've never met a bag of chips that I could pass up, especially if everyone else is doing it.

    I hope this week the eating and exercise feels easier! Good luck.

    3013 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13618394
    I love your blogs. They are not only heartfelt, but I feel as if you're putting my life and my thoughts into words! This is definitely something that takes a lot of work. It takes an enormous amount of self control. What you did with the chips is beyond awesome. I have been trying to gain that control over myself for over a year now.

    Thank you for being so honest and forthcoming with your feelings. You may not realize it but you are helping so many others just by being you. Just knowing that I'm not alone in how my brain works and the struggles I face over food choices is a HUGE comfort. I look forward to continuing to progress with you over time. I know that we can get there Marisa!
    3013 days ago
    You ARE doing it Marisa.
    Just saying no to those chips -- you said yes to yourself.
    Just getting up and going for a walk -- you said yes to yourself.
    YOU keep doing this and YOU will succeed and YOU will triumph.
    I believe in you. BELIEVE in yourself my friend.
    Love and hugs

    3013 days ago
    I know you feel as if you don't know what you are doing or how to get back into it but guess what? You are doing it. And doing it well. You are fighting the same battles everyone else is and you are winning. You may not feel as if you are doing as well as everyone else but who cares about them? This is about you and your battle. You are doing better today than yesterday and even the day before that. You have to do this at your pace in your way. And you are. Be proud of yourself and celebrate the HUGE victories you had today. I believe you are checked in more than you realize. :)

    You are AMAZING! Keep your chin up and keep moving. You CAN and WILL do this!
    3013 days ago
  • MARYBETH4884
    Walking does it! Speed and distance will come but aren't necessarily needed. Moving at an speed does it. Rest and then do it again! Little changes make a big difference in the long run! emoticon
    3013 days ago
  • SLACHETKA103145
    I think that we at times all go through this. Just let your inner self shine through!

    emoticon emoticon
    3013 days ago
    You can do it!! Baby steps is all it takes. Each tiny baby step adds to the last tiny babystep and all of a sudden you look up and realize that you've gone further than you ever thought you could...just keep taking those baby steps!!!
    3013 days ago
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