Revelation while running
Saturday, February 02, 2013
When I run outside, I love to listen to Jillian's podcast. Today she was talking about the things that happen on the Biggest Loser that you don't see because they edit them out. This season they haven't been showing the mental breakthroughs like they normally do, but that's what she was talking about. As I'm listening to everything, I start thinking about my own reasoning for holding onto weight for most of my life.
Growing up, my father would always cut out newspaper articles about weight loss to show me. At first I think I felt depressed by this, but those feelings quickly turned to rage. I didn't lose weight until I finally moved out of that house. I think the reason I held onto that weight for so long was because everyone else around me said it wasn't ok to be fat. They wanted me to be thin. I've never been the type of person to listen to most other people's orders or suggestions, so I think I was unconsciously going, "You don't want me to be fat? Well F you, I'm going to be fat!" even though I too wanted to be thin. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction I guess. Since I moved out of that house and not in school anymore, I didn't have anybody else telling me I couldn't be fat, so I could finally get thin for me.
That's from my past, but these thoughts also made me think of something more current. I've been struggling to maintain. I've gained a small bit back (about 15 pounds) that I'm trying to lose again and properly maintain this healthy lifestyle, and people around me are making it very difficult. I realized that when I was fat, I fit in with my friends more because most of our group is overweight. Now that I'm thinner and being healthier, I don't fit in anymore. I feel lonlier now. I also have a feeling that I might seem more intimidating to talk to about weight related things because no one is coming to me for advice and such even though I know our group of friends definitely wants to lose weight. I think that's why I've been slacking a bit on my nutrition and exercise recently.
whew... lots of deep thinking today. Thanks Jillian and thanks to my run for making me dig deep.