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Being Real for Realz (Digging out & picking myself up or at least trying to)

Friday, February 01, 2013

First off, I think I need to inform anyone that is reading this... that I think this blog is going to be painfully long. So ahead of time, if you are not a reader of long blogs, I release you with no holds barred. I won’t take offense. If you want to continue and read this... welcome and please know that it means so very much to me for you are taking the time.

Second, Hello! It’s been a while! emoticon

Third, while I don’t like to be a downer or focus on negative things, I must acknowledge that there is a myriad of things going on in my brain as I write this. It is 2:30 in the morning (which may explain some of the rambling that may take place in this blog because, man, I’m tired) but I just can’t sleep because my head just won’t shut up. I need to get stuff out... Which in turn lead to me deciding to write my first blog in months.

So, many things have happened in the last several months and unfortunately, much of it has not been on the happy side of the rainbow, so to speak. I fear this blog may not be the happiest and most cheery of my little collection because I quite frankly, I need to be real, not only with you all but with myself. Time to admit to all these little pitiful excuses and occurrences that are interfering with my progress. So here I am, spilling it all, right here and right now. This is my attempt to dig myself out of this hole, so I can pick myself up, so I can move on, at least this is what I am making a sincere effort to do.

I guess saying pitiful excuses isn’t fair to myself. Yes, I have been using them as crutches to aid my struggle but they are also real and painful and frustrating and, gee wiz, there are ridiculously too many.

I suppose, if there is anywhere to start it would be in July. I was doing great for months! I hadn’t lost much weight but my clothes were getting loser and my attitude was genuinely chipper. I was proud of myself... I went from not being able to walk around the block to walking 2 miles with a bounce in my step every step of the way. I really felt like I was finally accomplishing something in terms of being healthier and in turn, happier.

Until one day, I went to see my doctor. I walked in there with my head held high and walked out with it hanging very low. What I needed from her was praise and what I got was, “that’s not enough”. And while she was right, it killed my spirit. Please know that in no way am I blaming her for my most recent stumble. She didn’t say it with maliciousness. I am aware that how I heard it, isn’t the way she said it. She did say those words just not with the snide, judgemental tone that my brain likes to recall.

That being said however, I do think that after seeing me for 10+ years as a patient she should have been aware how to approach things with me. A “you are doing great, let’s see how much more you can do!” would have gone so much farther than “that’s not enough”. Especially coming from someone the size of my thigh. I walked the mile and a half to her office and back for goodness sake and to me that in itself was huge! So, I’m just saying, bad choice of words on her part and shame on me for letting it bring me down. My test results didn’t help the situation either. My sugars were still refusing to go down. My A1c was 10.9. Gahhh!

So my ‘spark’ began to fade almost immediately after leaving her office. I did manage to continue with this adventure of weight loss and effort on and off throughout August. I had given up on that 100 straight days even though I was SOOO close to pulling it off, day 94 and I quit.... for shame.

I began eating inappropriate things because somewhere in the back of my head, I let those test results drag down my efforts. If I’m eating healthier and exercising more than I ever have in my life and those damned sugars were still are not cooperating, then why not just eat crap, right?

Yeah, this is not of sound mind there folks...unfortunately, this is where my thoughts have stayed ever since... I reiterate, this is not a wise choice, especially with my health problems and I will tell you more a little later.

In September, I sorta strapped back on my walking shoes and was going to try to get back to my routine.... but a couple weeks in, I took a fall while on my way to pick up my son from his bus. I wrote a blog about it on here called “Mesama Bites the Dust” and was able to joke about my stupidity and laugh at the whole experience. I thought I had walked away with just a few scrapes, bruises and a sore ankle. I was very wrong.

Now, I do not know what exactly I did. I have yet to seek medical advice on this but ever since I have had very restricted movement in my right arm. Every time I reach for something or strain my arm in any way, I get a severe pain in my arm that most of the time drives me to tears. I cannot sleep on it, for long anyway, and it just plain bothers me, not all the time but often I get a painful reminded that I cannot use it like I use to. Yes, I know I need to bring this up to my doctor but right about now, with everything going on, all I can think is... “What’s the point? I obviously hurt myself fairly badly and now it is healed wrong. It really is too late to do anything about it.” This may not be the case and I won’t know until I broach the subject with a doctor but there have been so many other things I have had to go see her about that that has taken a back burner.


In October, my baby niece was born and strangely, while I loved her immediately, it made me very sad. Her birth just brought back some very traumatizing memories. Along with this has come some very challenging things (that are not my business to share) have taken place that has... well, let’s just say, things have been challenging for everyone. Extended family is just fan-freakin-tastic and I am confident that most of you know what I mean.

November comes, bleeds into December and now that I am looking back, it was one big “AHHHHH! Make it stop” roller coaster.... We all are enjoying the new baby (up) but not enjoying the multitude of other family ‘dramas’ (down). I also manage to get a cold that turns into acute sinusitis and it holds on through 2 rounds of antibiotics and is just now clearing up... Three. Months. Later!

Also, in November an onslaught of attacks come at my husband and I via our 15 year old son. I am learning more and more of what is/was going on every day, even now. This is embarrassing for me to share because it makes me feel like a failure as a mother but how can I express the gravity and stress in life caused by it without sharing... so, let’s just say that my beloved son has been making many choices that could forever change the course of his life and they are not on the route to the positive.

I have no clue where it all went wrong or why. We are doing our best to send clear and concise expectations and punishments. It is still an every day struggle that is dragging me down fast and sometimes I feel like I am drowning. I am praying that my son will eventually see that he is the only one that can make restitution for his mistakes. Mommy can’t rescue him from these ones and she has no desire to do so.... Time to sleep in that bed you made buddy. I’m still your mom and love you but I can’t make this go away. That is up to you. I’ll support any positive choices you make but I can’t allow you to continue hurting your family and/or destroy your future.... There is oh so much I wish he would hear. Teenagers!

Sigh, anyway, in early January, I broke out my brand spanking new mandoline slicer to make eggplant lasagna for dinner. In my lack of intelligence and misleading over confidence in my cooking ability, I decided to slice off my fingernail and a small part of my finger. Oh joy! I figured a 15 inch eggplant gave me enough distance from the blade that I didn’t need the guard right away because I just couldn’t get it to slice with enough force with it on. Three slices in, it slips and well.... lesson learned the hard way. Ouch!

A couple weeks later, the cut looks fine and is healing well (It will take 8-10 weeks to heal completely). However, I have a slight sensitivity to medical tape adhesive and what the doctor used when he wrapped my finger irritated the skin around the bottom of my nail and that got infected! Gah! Really? Well I guess it’s for the better because that led to yet another doctor appointment, that lead to more antibiotics, that lead to my sinus infection clearing up. I hate not being able to use that finger (especially with endless supply of dirty dishes mounting up on my counters) but I am learning to adapt for now. Good news is I got my revenge and still managed to prepare that eggplant lasagna and my family ate well!

Okay. What else? Oh....

I hate this... this is a reality of my life that I don’t like. I have shared with you sparkers before about this but have never had the guts to actually share a picture of my actual skin. Some may find this gross and I apologize, I have shared a picture from the internet of it but this is actually me.... my hairy leg to be exact.... bleh.

I have psoriasis and I have it bad. I have it exactly like shown above on just about every inch (yes, EVERY inch) of my body except my face which I manage to keep semi-clear because I am meticulous about keeping it that way. I cannot afford the oral medications that are helping so many and well, illness and stress are HUGE stressors for making it inflamed like that and I have had an abundance of both lately. The ointment they give me does help, however they will only give me a one pound tub of it a month and well, lets be real... they want me to put it on 2-3 times a day. It is an ointment therefore it does not spread l well. I have a BIG body. Get the picture? I am just not given enough to put it on that often.... sigh. What can I do?

So, in all honesty, this is something that also plagues me. It messes with my head quite frankly.... Let’s face it, just being big is viewed as “gross” to many people. To me, this condition, with it’s mass amounts all over my body is another reason of “why should I even try?”

Please let me explain this train of thought, it may not be sound but it’s still a fact.... In my head... even if I manage to lose all this excess weight, I am still going to walk around with this nasty looking skin that people are repulsed by. I manage to hide behind clothes during the winter but the truth is... it hurts as terribly as it looks, physically and emotionally. People who don’t recognize it look at me like I am going to give them something. That’s not the case but some treat you like a leper and that is so discouraging. So even if I lose the weight, I will still have this. It will never go away. It will always be with me, maybe not always this bad but always threatening to return at a moments notice because it is in my genetics. It just plain sucks.

So now... lets take a look at what has brought me back here... writing a blog on sparkpeople shall we....?

I’m in trouble.... health wise.

I mean I have been since I was 23 years old but it just got real. I’ve had this disease for 12-13 years now and only twice since being diagnosed have I managed to control it. All during my pregnancy with my second son and for a brief time a couple of years ago.

I have never had a complete grasp on what works for me. I have tried things and gotten discouraged, tried others and the whole vicious cycle continues. I’ve become so frustrated and disappointed in myself that, here it is again, being real... I’ve given up.

I’m not proud of this but I’ve taken to lying to my doctors. I tell them that I am doing my best in trying to watch the foods I eat but in reality, I will eat anything and everything in sight and mass amounts of it.

Telling them, that I test my sugars but the truth is, I stopped doing that quite some time ago because those numbers just depress me, they never go down and real again... It’s just easier to tell yourself they are fine. Plus, those strips are ridiculously expensive and we just can’t afford to buy them, especially since, deep down, I know the numbers really aren’t going to be good.

I lie about other things too.... I tell them I’m taking my meds. I do, some of the time. Insulin stretches farther on a tight budget if you skip a dose a day. Metformin makes me sick to my stomach and they just keep upping the dosage, even with my protests so it’s just easier to say you are taking them than being constantly nauseated and on the toilet. Sometimes, I forget my blood pressure and cholesterol medications too.

I know! I know! This is NOT good! PLEASE don’t chastise me.... this is not why I am here. That is not what I need because I have awakened and now I am aware... I need help. In complete honesty, I am scared.

While my doc had me in there last week for my infected finger, she joked, that while she had me trapped she wanted to get my blood tests.... hahaha.... uh oh. I again lied and told her I ate that morning (I didn’t), she said “That’s okay, we will do the non-fasting one” and sent me to get them done. I’m not sure if doing the non-fasting one when you are is all that different or not but that is what happened... I admittedly was very tempted to just leave instead of going to the lab because remember? It is easier to pretend nothing is wrong. But I didn’t and for that, I guess I have to give myself a smidgeon of credit. I knew the tests wouldn’t be pretty. I knew they would show how terrible I was being to my body but I did it anyway.

So yesterday, I got the results and for the first time ever my doctor showed true concern for the oncoming condition of my eyes and kidneys.... My A1c is 12.3... the highest number we have ever seen but what did I expect? I have been living my life like I am a hypoglycemic rather than a hyperglycemic. I’ve lying to my doctors, my family and myself about my condition every time I shove something in my mouth or skip my medications or that walk.

So here I am, laying it all on the line.... I am getting real and owning up to my lies, excuses and ignorance, so I won’t let myself believe them anymore.

I am here... I guess, I didn’t quite let myself acknowledge just how much I was trying to ignore all the terrible things I’ve been doing to my body and self. No wonder I feel terrible all the time. No wonder I just want to sleep day in and day out. No wonder.... just no wonder.... I’ve been killing myself, slowly but surely.

So here I am, being real with you all and putting out a hope and a prayer that it isn’t too late for me. I have a plan to go see every doctor I have been putting off (eyes, skin, diabetic specialist, nutritionist) and sucking it all up and admitting my lack of self care to them. No more lies and actually do what they tell me to do.

I am putting out a hope and a prayer, that I still have people who care for me. That I have supporters. I just hope I can save me because like I have been telling my son, who is challenging everything in life right now... I am the only one that can fix this. I am the only one who can make this change. I’m just hoping I can do it with a little bit of love and encouragement from the people around me. From people like you.

emoticon emoticon Thank you for reading.... I hope, no... I plan to be back.... I have to start over at square one and writing this blog was that first step. Hello step two....

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    First of all HUGE KUDOS to you for being real, honest and forward! It's hard to do but a very big first step in getting real with yourself and having a break through that will help you to success.

    Second, I am so glad you are back!

    Third, of course people care for you darlin! You are not alone, you are awesome and you are loved!

    Let's do this together!

    emoticon emoticon
    3016 days ago
    Aww Hun. I wish I had seen this sooner, like the second it was posted. Truth is, I'm right here with you - starting over. Or rather, trying to start over. I look at myself and I know I'm slowly dying because of how I treat my body and yet, I don't do anything about it! I'm a good person, why do I treat myself this way? Why don't I love me? And you...why don't you love you? I love you and I will do whatever it takes to help you on this journey. Want to do another challenge? Join another team? I'll take that step with you, when you're ready and we'll lift each other up. Like we've done in the past.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    3021 days ago
    Marisa so glad you shared your struggles. We are here for you. I want to encourage you to share with your MD how hard it is to check your sugars daily because of the cost. There are programs out there to help. Also contact your local ADA for resources. It is imparative that you check your sugars. The great thing is you can get that number to move in the right direction. It may not for awhile. Please use the American Diabtic Association web site. It is great! I just want to tell you that you are totally loved from the inside out. I see all sorts of people with psorisis and I know it can be painful and misunderstood. Hang in there. Again share with your MD the problem with cost for the medications. I know you can get the weight off... it takes patience and time. We are all here for you. I want to encourage you and I just wish I lived closer so I could give you a hug. Since I don't ... consider yourself hugged from Texas! emoticon Turn on that music and start dancing. Thinking of you as you deal with a teen that is not making good choices. emoticon emoticon
    3025 days ago
    May God bless your sincere honesty to yourself and your doctors and you make your health a priority again. You're not alone and we're here to cheer you on to seeing your health restored. You can do it!
    3025 days ago
    You have been through a tremendous amount in a short time honey. Don't underestimate that.
    You also have chronic medical conditions that make it harder to deal with life on a daily basis.
    Cut yourself some slack...not in terms of eating what you want and sleeping all day...forgive yourself your transgressions. You have to learn to be kind, forgiving and supportive to yourself, as you would to a friend or a child.
    Take your time and do small things that you know will make you feel like a million bucks.
    When I need to get back on track, I like to cut my carbs before I worry about calories and exercise. I find that after 2 or 3 days, my glucose comes down and I'm not as hungry. It's easier to try to modify my calories when I don't want to eat the entire contents of the fridge!
    Oh, and clean out the fridge. You know what I mean. Get rid of anything and everything that's a binge trigger or bad for your diabetes. I know it's hard to do when you are struggling financially.
    DO IT.
    It is so hard to manage diabetes when you're broke. I don't test my sugars either for the same reasons as you. It's so much cheaper to feed a family on bread, pasta, rice, and potatoes. I get it, I really do.
    I make my family meals, and then I sub in extra veggies for the sides and starches for myself. Lets say I'm making chicken, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans and biscuits. Walmart has a pretty good selection of cheap frozen veggies. I can nuke or roast them in the oven, and have a diabetic friendly meal on a budget. Make yourself 3 or 4 different veggie sides, have chicken and gravy with it and you've still got a meal right around 300 calories that's very low carb and satisfying.
    You can do this! One step at a time!
    3025 days ago
    What a heartfelt blog. I can't even imagine what you must be going through but I think you have taken a positive step in admitting you need some help with your health. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I would like to offer my support in helping you get through your difficulties. Many hugs to you! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3025 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3189694
    I'm glad you wrote all you did. You can make a fresh start. You've said it all and shared it. You are not alone in anything you said. Or everything that you have done either. It's easy to lie to yourself. But only for awhile. At some point and I think that point is now, you realize it does no good to ignore or lie about something that is factual. In my "old age" I've learned that the only way to begin to live rightly is through rigorous self honesty. It really doesn't hurt. It feels good after awhile. It is what you are asking of your Son. It is what we want from everyone we come in contact with and especially those we love. You've done an excellent job of being honest with yourself with your blog. Good things will happen now. Take a deep breath and know you are on the right path. A bumpy one but going in the right direction. I'm sorry about the psoriasis. My sister has had it for awhile now. Her hair and nails are gone now for the most part. It's a terrible disease. Hang in there and do the best you can. Know that people here on SP care about you and I know you know you are loved at home as well.
    3025 days ago
    I am so glad you are back. I was wondering what was going on with you.
    I just want to say that you speak for more of us than you know.
    I have told the same lies about myself to myself and others.
    I too have a skin condition that brings me shame and embarrassment.
    No money, cannot afford the doctor visits.
    I have been awful this entire past year with my food intake,
    I completely gave up on exercising.
    The teenager boy issue-got that one too.

    This is the only thing I know for sure:
    God does not make mistakes. We are both exactly who we are supposed to be. Why we were given these challenges I cannot say, but I do know He is waiting to see what we do with them.

    I am here for you if you would like my support.
    I know I could use yours.


    3025 days ago
    So happy to see you Marisa, and to see you blogging!

    Life can be very overwhelming at times, and face it a lot of cr*p can be thrown in our path. The main thing is your here, blogging and going to get going. High five!

    If your like me, you need to purge your household. Get rid of the things that 'call your name', otherwise I know I am lost and have a hard time saying no.

    In regards to your injury you really, really need to get it looked at. You may have torn your rotator cuff or something similar ( I am not a doctor). This needs to be seen to be treated and to heal. Do you think so badly of yourself Marisa that you deserve pain? NO, you are a wonderful person and YOU DESERVE to TREAT YOUR SELF THAT WAY. GO SEE THE DOCTOR.

    I love you my friend, I truly do. I want you to make a list and take it to the doctor and GIVE IT TO HER. She can take it from there. If you need to, take someone with you who will 'translate' her speech for you if necessary. Hugs.

    I remember and know your struggle with your niece's birth. We discussed it privately. Big Hugs.

    So sorry to hear of your DS's life choices, Praying he makes some good ones. It is about choices and he is old enough to know the choice he makes. All we can do is hope that we have prepared them enough to think things through. Try not to beat yourself up and continue to try to guide him or get him the help he needs to make better choices.

    You are a wonderful mom to love him and support his positive choices. Good for you!

    I am sorry my friend for your pain. Your heartache, your cuts, your allergies and your psoriasis.
    Prayers, hugs and healing strength to you.
    You are not gross. Get it through your head. Make it your mantra to say you are "beautiful" in all ways.



    You know I am a diabetic type 1, so I know EXACTLY what you are going through. This is no excuse.
    So money is tight now, how do you think you will cope with no legs or parts amputated? How will you cope when your kidneys shut down? I could go on and on, not even touching on what is going to happen. You have me so scared for you right now.

    You have me so scared for you right now!!!!!!

    I am sorry I am chastising you. I really am, but I don't know what to say.

    I love you my friend and I hardly know you. What about your family?

    There is no difference with the fasting and non-fasting AIC. NONE.
    It is some of the other tests that require no eating.


    It will give you a starting point, then we fix it!

    1st - Reveal everything to your Doctor. Every little insignificant detail.

    2nd - Take your medicine

    3rd - Test your blood sugars religiously. Every meal and bedtime.

    4th - Do all the Dr tells you to do.

    5th - Purge your household & pantry of unhealthy food.

    6 - Make a meal plan. Even if it means eating the same thing every day.

    7 - (*This one should be at the top) LOVE YOURSELF.

    Marisa, it is not too late. It never is. The sooner you start the less sh*t you will have to overcome. So start, which you are and over come.

    You can do this. I BELIEVE IN YOU!!

    I LOVE YOU, I hope I wasn't too hard on you my friend.

    What do you need? I am here.

    Hugs & Love,
    emoticon emoticon

    3025 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12292709
    hey sweets, we're in similar places at the moment. i need to start over too. and while i know that, i'm not certain i CAN do it. right now. but i know that i NEED to..that life is passing and i/we are killing ourselves.

    you should check out my latest post, too, if for no other reason than to really see you're not alone.

    i'm rooting for you.

    3026 days ago
    3026 days ago
    So sorry for all the curves life has been throwing at you...but you've made the first step in admitting your choices haven't always been the best for your health, and now you are moving forward with a better attitude and will work on getting better. You are not alone...you have people who care and support you:)
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3026 days ago
    Your blog brought tears to my eyes. You've taken the first step, and a tremendously large step it is. Please follow through with your healthcare plan. You definitely experienced some major benefits when you were sparking before. I know it's so easy to throw in the towel when your body isn't responding as expected. That just means your plan needs some tweaking. The SP plan is pretty generic. One thing I would suggest is that you write down your food and exercise (every bite and step) so that you can show your doctor. First, honesty is critical and you owe it to yourself. Second, an accurate log will show the doc the true effort you are putting in. Third, you can get professional advice on what needs to change to get your A1C numbers down.

    I'm so proud of you for putting yourself out here. For opening up. I know it's not easy to share the circumstances that cause you so much pain. You've got this one life. You can be healthy. And you absolutely DESERVE to be healthy. Losing weight or getting your numbers right won't make everything else better, but getting focused and back on track will help you put the problems and drama in perspective.

    3026 days ago
    If I lived near you I would stop by and give you so many hugs! It sounds like you need some.

    A lot of people here care about you, I know it. You're sweet, fun and totally lovable!

    Remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT. I hope this wake up call leads you to new highs in life.

    We're here for you!

    3026 days ago
    Thank you for having the courage to share all of this. Sorry to say this but reading what you're going through makes me feel better because I now see that I'm not the only one struggling and hurting and not taking care of myself.
    I feel like nobody understands that some things are not a quick fix, some things don't ever go away even when we lose the weight.

    So thank you for writing this blog, I needed to read this today. Crazy as it may sound you have helped me. I hope by writing and getting it all out, will help you too.

    Sending hugs and prayers
    3026 days ago
  • VALYNN26
    Marisa! OMG! I am so sorry to hear your bad news. I don't have all the time I would like to properly respond to this. as the baby is starting to wake up from her nap. But I will say I AM HERE FOR YOU! WHATEVER way you need me. You can do this! I know it's hard. I know there's times when we think why bother, or I just want to quit & give up. We can't! We have to keep going. Unfortunately results that we'd like to see don't happen over night(I am sure you already know this) or not as quick as we'd like them to. But we have to keep going. We have to keep pushing. I wish we lived closer so we could be workout buddies. I would be right there to push you. I just joined a commit to AT LEAST 10 minutes of exercise a day for 60 days challenge. Since we're not neighbors I am going to do the next best thing I know how. I challenge you to at least 10 minutes of exercise every day for 60 days or even longer. Whatever it doesn't matter. How ever long it takes! We do our 10 minutes & then we check in with each other. So that way we're held accountable. We can even do the same with our food if you want? It's up to you. Let me know. You know how to get a hold of me. I am here for you. emoticon Val
    3026 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13135891
    I think its good that you got this all out,,,,maybe by re-reading this when your feeling weak may help you?......by writing this blog maybe a break thru is happening! emoticon
    3026 days ago
    Wowsers. Cudos to you for admitting all this to us and to yourself. I hope and pray that you can begin to treat yourself better and that your health will get better. You deserve better.
    3026 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13451378
    Thank you for sharing all of this. I hope you do get the help that you need and follow through with taking care of yourself. In order to make things better for your family, you really do need to put yourself first and I hope you know that you're worth it.

    I look forward to your next entry!

    3026 days ago
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