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Reflection

Monday, January 21, 2013

I have 4 days remaining to Phase 1. I have the number 199 written in Sharpie on my wrist. That's my goal for the end of Phase 2. I don't have a goal for Phase 1. I'm just excited that it puts me towards my goal for Phase 2. The end of that 2nd phase marks my 25th birthday. My very first blog states that my goal is not be over 200 lbs before my 25th birthday. That goal while set almost 2 years ago is still very important to me. I thought I would be there by now, but I don't think of the delay as a failure.

2012 was a year of learning and healing. I needed to heal my emotional wounds. I needed to learn how to be confident. My self esteem over my developing years was non-existent. I turned to food, and men for validation. My only accomplishment was academics. I messed that up thanks to my quest for validation from an abusive man. I gave up on myself. I was nothing. Worthless.

Learning how to be confident is difficult. I got a promotion into a managing role, and it's something I was nervous about. I know the work. I know how to communicate with people over email and IM. I know how to boss people around to achieve a task. Coaching people on the trivial stuff (punctuality, attendance, HR appropriate conversations) is what gets me. I'm thankful for a good manager that pushes me out my comfort zone. I learned that I'm actually very social, but haven't had practice because I haven't had the self confidence to think people WANT me around. I always have just felt tolerated. As I get to talk to people more, as hard as it is for me, it makes me a stronger leader, a stronger woman, and feel like I am in control of this facet of my life.

Healing my relationship has been a big priority. We have trouble talking to each other about the hard things. We want to spare each other's feelings, and it just results in hurt feelings when it finally has festered and come to a head. We have SO much fun together, and I refuse to give up on this man. I've never been able to be myself with anyone like I have him. He's truly my best friend. I'm becoming a better woman to support him and push him to be the best he can be. He teaches me how beautiful I am every day. He loved me at 260# and he loves me at whatever weight I'm at now. He's seen his potential in me, now it's time for me to show him what I can do, and to push him to do the same.

So I pushed myself. I decided to have a long workout - a HARD workout

I put the elliptical on the CrossCountry mode. That's hard as hell! I was sweating 5 minutes into it and I toughed it out for 30 minutes. According to the machine, I did a 12 minute mile. Don't know how that is. Then I did Abs, Chest, Arms, and half of Legs strength workouts. That took about an hour. I bumped the weight up on my triceps pushdowns, my sumo squats, my lunges (that's just adding weights), and leg press. I did ALL the reps of bicep curls (barbell and curls), ALL the reps of Stability ball pushups- My least favorite exercises. I was drenched with sweat and I felt like I had eyes on me, which just pushes me to do more and have really good form.

I'm confident that I'll only be a few away from my Phase 2 goal, and it's an amazing feeling. I've wanted to step on the scale or even the Wii Fit a few times to check my weight, but I want that to be a surprise. I want to see what happens when I drive myself based on how fast I'm running, and how much my muscles hurt after a workout, rather than having that weekly appointment with the scale.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD11137881
    I think that this is an amazingly honest blog with a lot of difficult self reflections. How very brave to post your thoughts and feelings. I really love your comment that a delay is not a failure. So true!!! Good luck on Phase 2!
    3115 days ago
  • DEBORAH-SIMS
    emoticon emoticon You sound like you are working hard. Keep up the good work!
    3115 days ago
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