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2 years later & many lessons learned.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Well, here's the long postponed blog. 2 years ago today, my mother was admitted into the hospital & never came home. I still "Keep on Keepin' On" cuz there's no other option. I wished I could say that I've lost an abundant amount of weight or finally met my goal(s) in the last 2 years but... The truth is; I lost my Mom, learned some lessons & am still in the same boat; pushing, struggling, striving.

2 years ago, I remember extra paramedics being called to my Mom's house because they could not get her out regularly on a stretcher with only a couple responders. They had to call extra forces in to lay her on, well...a tarp, and took 8 paramedics to get her into the ambulance. She was admitted into the hospital & subsequently, the care center...then hospital, then care center & back & forth several times. 7...S-E-V-E-N months (to the day) later, she was gone.

I remember being SO mad. Just now, 2 years later, I'm just finally, truly coming to terms & dealing with it. I'm just NOW missing my 'Mom'. The one who carried me into the house after I fell asleep in the car when getting home from the drive-in movie (the only entertainment she could afford cuz kids were free), the one with the frost blue eye-shadow & afro that took us to Circus-Circus, the one who's smell (stale perfume, cigarette smoke & DoubleMint gum) I longed for to wake me up for school after a night of working the graveyard shift to support my family, the one who tried to rescue my brother & I when we were drowning (& didn't know how to swim herself) in a rip-tide when visiting my Aunt in California, the one who always seemed to make my birthday special even so close to Christmas, the one who wore underwear riddled with holes in order to buy 'name-brand' clothes for my brother & me, the one who worked all day then stayed up all night to be with me when I gave birth to my only child then went right back to work for another shift, the one who translated my Dutch grandma's displeasure with us, the one who loved Halloween, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, New Year's Eve...ME.

I think of these things & love her, miss her, but still feel so ripped off. She was only 66...Sixty-Six. That's WAY to young to die. I don't want to die in 22 years. I want to see my grandkids get married & have families of their own. That's why I was mad. It was just too soon. She just gave up. I saw a side of my Mom during her time of 'rehabilitation' that I didn't care to see. The human side, I guess. She just didn't TRY. Even the care center told her that she was a very 'self-limiting' patient.
It was so hard during that time. Working 2 jobs, running my house, going to see her 4Xs a week (but it just wasn't go to visit her myself, it was...pick up Aunt Sal [who is fairly immobile herself]) run errands, pay bills, petition the State for benefits, deal with the care center (with a none too pleasant reputation), respond to emergency calls in the middle of the night. I tried to be supportive of her although I felt burnt-out & bitter due to her lack of effort. At times when I saw her she seemed unappreciative of what was involved to get there. And then she would not even talk to Aunt Sal & I and just watch TV.

Once she transitioned from the temporary re-hab unit to the resident type area, things went downhill. When a roommate was moved in with her, things plummeted (Mom was never a social butterfly). I still remember the day of the call. I had just gotten all the rig-a-ma-roll ready for my workout. A CNA was calling to express his condolences... Wha...? "Has the hospital not contacted you?" And that was the beginning of the end of my mother's life.

In the meantime, my drinking increased exponentially. I am now dealing with that and the ups & downs of weight loss and life. I have been able to pin-point some reasons (aka...excuses) why I haven't reached my goal weight (or even gotten close, for that matter) as of yet. Well, 1st off...since my Mom's death, I've really been boozing it up; totally self medicating. 2nd, completely inconsistent. I think the only thing I'm consistent at is being inconsistent. 3; I ain't getting any younger; I never thought it true but losing weight over 40 is a b*tch. 4) My activity level has decreased; I stopped doing paper routes (probably a mile a day), quit Wiseguys (about 5 miles per nite when scheduled) & don't have to tackle a flight of stairs every time I need to pee now that I left Cache Commodities. 5: Lastly, not a lot of support outside of SPARKPeople.

I need to use these learned lessons as motivation to improve. I never want to be there; I never want to just give up. I remember my mother standing up & being SO sore. When I stand up; I'm sore, but I'm sore because I DO activity, not the other way around. I want to be here for by grandkids & THEIR kids.
That's why I "Keep on Keepin' On."

~Martina Alberta Germer*4/11/45 - 8/19/11~
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD3367550
    OMG....tears, thats all I have right now is tears, no thoughts I can even attempt to put into words so HUGS is all I got, I know it isnt much but....
    2874 days ago
    I can't even imagine what you had to deal with during those 7 months and the loss of your mother. I understand you don't want to put your children/grandchildren through the same. I keep thinking how selfish it is of me that by not taking care of myself I could die young, leaving my niece and nephews. I could probably even die before my siblings, even though I am the youngest.
    Keep in touch.
    2874 days ago
  • MISSM0929
    WOW Shannonigans! This is very heart-breaking and thought-provoking, while at the same time, it is inspirational. I hope that it was healing for your heart and soul to get this out because I can tell you, it is eye-opening for those of us reading it. I pray that you continue to heal and that the pain becomes less each day.
    2874 days ago
  • LISAW/3
    I am sorry for the loss of your mother and the struggles you've had, but I am so happy that you are able to express those feelings and now begin to deal with them. You've made such emotional progress that hopefully that will translate to physical progress, too. Thank you for sharing what you have been going through and I'm sorry if you haven't received enough support. Please remember your Spark friends are here to lend a listening ear whenever needed!
    2874 days ago
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