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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

before i start my reflections blog i want to take this oputunity to thank each and every one of you for all your support,love,encouragement and inspiration you have given me on this my never ending journey.only some of you(you know who you are)i would never have got this far and would have given up long ago.so emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

i started this my journey nearly 4 years ago on the 26 january 2009 when i eventually came out of hospital after the birth of my son ayman on the 26th november 2008.in the two months i was in hospital after his birth i nearly died 3 times and had to have two emergency operations which saved my live.since his birth there has been several more ops and i have nearly died since then and one time had to be actually resussitated .so that is how close to death i was,lol.the events after aymans birth sort of woke me up.i knew i was over weight.who at 330lbs doesn´t know they are over weight.in my case though even though i was overweight i never ever(still don´t)had any of the medical problems asociated with being overweight.i had/have slightly low blood pressure not high.(infact my dr says i perfect blood pressure as when i get upset or angry etc it goes into the normal blood pressure range)the lung specialist has always been surprized at how good my blood gases are.she even said my blood gases when i had my cluster of lung embolies were better than her´s.(she is really thin and 30 years younger than me)i just replied when she said that.doesn´t it make you want to do something about your blood gases?she just looked blank at me back.i have never had diabetes not even in any one of my 6 preggnancies and i also have low blood cholestral.so even though i was overweight i never saw it as a reason to do anything to change it.it was only when i started having medical problems (none weight related)that i decided it was time to do something about my weight as well.i had three small children.my mother died when i was young and i didn´t want the same thing happening to my children.though it has been a very rough ride this last few years with lots of ups and downs(not just in the weight loss department)it has been worth while.i have gained lots from this site that i haven´t always had in my real life.that is unwavering support,understanding,friendsh
ip,love etc etc.don´t get me wrong i have love at home from my husband and children etc but sometimes it is not enough.if there are too many stresses etc the suppport can sometimes be lost under the burden of stress.sometimes i need to talk and get things of my chest there and then and noone is around by me in my real world,or they are sleeping etc.because this is like a 24 hour thing no matter when i write it her and get things off my chest there is always someone to answer and uplift me.sometimes people in our own life have enough of their own burdens that we don´t want to give them our burdens as well or let them know how weak we really are sometimes.we want them to see us as strong which even if we are most of the time there are times when we have weaknes´s.after all we are only human.also i don´t know about you sometimes it is easier to get things out when we put it down on paper so to speak.i know i had more support and love from here re my facial paralise than i had in real life where i had looks stares and comments.i had comments from you here but they were building up comments to bolster my ego,not bring me down.they were to encourage me and to give me face so to speak.all of you who replied to that blog i thank you from the bottom of my heart you really don´t know how much it meant and still means to me. here is a link to that blog which was so hard for me to post,but the blog because of the response that i was glad i had posted.you can see what you wrote and know why i was greateful for what you had wrote.

it is thanks to you people here that i even have the courage to repost the link to the blog.see how far i have come.anyway back to my journey when i started this journey i weighed 330lbs i now weight 186lbs which is a weight loss of 144lbs total so far.it has not been easy by far.it has been a great struggle and still is.i still have 36lbs to go and hope to make it in the coming year but if i don´t i don´t.main thing to me is by the end of next year i don´t want to weigh more than i weigh now.this shows how far i have come.before i was obsessed with getting to goal and wanted it here and now.now to me it is the journey that counts more than the actual weight loss.if i get to goal weight next year or in 5 years,is ok.main thing is i get to goal and learn things on the way.this last year i have lost 27.5lbs which may not seem alot compared with some ,i have some spark friends that have lost over 100lbs in 9 months and i am pleased for them but i am also pleased and proud of what i achieved this last year.27.5 lbs is an aweful lot when you concider all i went through this last year or two in fact it is great.january this year i weighed 204.5 lbs and i now weigh 186lbs that to me is mostly down to you my lovely friends here on spark people.the other really big thing that has happened this year and is something i have tried in the past loads of times but this time i think i have cracked it.I HAVE NOT HAD A DIET COKE IN OVER 3 MONTHS.so ya me. emoticon.
there have been over NSV like fitting into the emrald ring my father gave me for my 18th birthday,going down dress sizes etc but to me the biggest not only this year but since my journey is definately NO DIET COKE.i have only drank water since then as i don´t like tee or coffee.so on the whole it has been a successful year for me.
what plans have i for next year?good question,can i answer it?some.mainly because i haven´t looked that far yet.i do know iwould like to loose weight .i do know i don´t want to put my weight back on.i would like to meet goal but that isn´t as important as it once was.it isn´t the be all,end all that it once was.what is more important is being true to myself,building up my consistancey,stopping my emotional eating if that is at all possible.at least get it more under control.be more open to new ideas,getting into strength more.being there more for others here on sp like they have been here for me.being more organised(better around the house,lol)more planning re food,time,etc,etc.having more me time,more acceptance that my life will always have stress in it and learning to deal with it better.so you see even though weight loss is still important for me it is no longer in the forefront .life is in the forfront.the life i want to live,the life i want my children to have.another thing i really want to do is get across to everyone who is on this journey is that it is possible.if i can do it with all my life throws at me then anyone can.they can but only if they really want to.want to for yourself and not to other people.only if you are willing to work for it.but hey anything worth having is worth working for.remember you are worth.you are worth being the best possible person you can be.you are worth lifing your life to the full.you are worth having the energy instead of being tires and lethargic all the time.YOU are YOU.YOU are SPECIAL.YOU are UNIQUE.YOU are WORTH.remember that.

i have a favour to ask you my friends.i have a secret ambition since being on spark and i am hoping you will help me reach my ambition.i would like to reach out as many people as possible just once to let people who are just started this journey or feel like giving up as they don´t seem to be getting anywhere.i want them to know it is possible that they have the POWER.that they can do itfor that i need to once be voted as a popular blog so my friends if you like this blog press the like button,post the link to this blog along so more people can read it and like it. just to know that i have maybe helped,support and inspired some people to keep going like you have all supported,helped and inspired me will mean alot.thanks to you all once again and i wish you all a great,happy,healthy,fun new year. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
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