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Oh, boy…where to start…

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It’s been well over a year since I blogged last. So many changes, good and bad, have impacted my life in general. Let’s go back and catch everyone up over the past 18 months (insert dreamy time portal).
It’s May of 2011 and I’ve just finished running my marathon and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m taking the time off to rest my body and dwell. It’s during this time that I decide to leave my wife of 18+ years. We’ve been miserable for years, but kept trudging along. I finally could no longer stand the pain of staying and decided to move out. This was a great trauma to us all, DD very much. I lived with my brother for several months while I ‘figured things’ out. My wife and I did some counseling and had a great many talks, but in the end I decided that we weren’t meant to be. Last November I informed her that I wanted out permanently and I’d hoped we could work out a dissolution. That dream died this past summer and she filed for divorce. This long, drawn out process is looking to end soon and my life can return to normal, hopefully. Some of you used to be friends with her here, but she cancelled her account and didn’t want anything to do with me or here. I’ve nothing bad to say about her and wish her the best in whatever she does. I’m sorry that we let it get to this point or we lived miserable as long as we did.
During this time, last September, was the Air Force race that my previous blog discussed. Needless to say that lack of training hurt me for more than just a crappy race. Not long after the race my left foot started bothering me. It was a searing pain on the outside of the foot that made walking even painful. I did see a podiatrist and he said it was a nerve issue and that I should get fitted and all new shoes. Easier said than done where you’re trying to pick up the pieces of a poorly budgeted family (another issue in the marriage). I do buy some new shoes but pain sticks around. I remedy this by making excuses and sitting around letting it ‘heal.’ During this time I had to give up my gym membership as well because I needed the monthly cash for bills, so now I’m getting zero exercise. Gain weight.
Shortly there after ex-to-be and DD are moving out of our house into a new house. I’ll be moving back into our family dwelling and taking care of everything, alone. Add more stress and boredom…more eating. Currently the house has been on the market for 12 months and I’m working with my first contract. It’ll end up being a short sale if I can get the bank to agree. It’s not ideal, but I’ve fought tooth and nail to keep it out of foreclosure. I’ve borrowed money to pay bills, sold things, worked OT, but I can’t keep going. It’s a lovely house and if this deal goes through the people will be getting a steal on it. Being single and taking care of 2,200 sq ft alone is not easy, especially if you’ve got a house showing to put on or a yard that needs mowed as well. I’m ready to put this part of my life behind me and move forward.
My relationship with DD has had it’s peaks and valleys as well. After her initial down, she realized that I’m a different person without her mom’s influence around me. I’m much more calm (thanks to a great counselor helping me) and fun loving. We rode that high for some time until her mom found out that I was going to move on and start dating. DD didn’t like the idea (ex-2-b even less), but I never brought her into that part of my life. Adult time was adult time, dad and daughter time was just that. She slowly relearned that I was still there for her just like it had been.
During all of this time my weight has skyrocketed up. I can blame anything, everything, something, but truthfully, I control ME and I’ve done a poor job. I’ve been continuing to work with my endocrinologist about my Vitamin D deficiency; still out of control. She’s concerned for my weight and wants to try different meds off label, but I keep fighting it off. I’m just looking, waiting for the right push which hasn’t come until recently. I’ve been hinting about a plan and something big happening, but that will have to wait for another blog…soon.
So, this has been my life and my reason for lack of Sparkiness. I’ve been a good friend to many of you, but I’ve not been very good to myself. I used to be a very controlling, planning type person. All of this has taught me that I cannot control every situation…I can only control how I react to it.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Bill, I am so sorry you had to go through all you did. You really did have a lot on your hands, heart and mind. You mentioned you use to have a lot of friends here, and from the look of your responders, I see you still have plenty of them that still think the world of you. Where you haven't been a friend to yourself, I can empathize with you on that. We get so lost in the turmoil around us we forget to make sure we are still important to ourselves.
    It feels like your waking up from a bad dream. But you are awake now and your back on track. You really are to important to forget yourself Bill.
    I wish you the very best and this next stage of your Journey. You Know You Can Do it Bill!!! emoticon

    3078 days ago
    Yet another great blog post. Honestly I have to say that it's no surprise you haven't been focusing on weight loss - you've been busy! Hopefully you are finding a slowdown in the drama so that you can refocus on your previously extremely successful efforts in weight loss and getting healthy.
    3130 days ago
    I am just soooo glad you're back.
    3142 days ago
    Sorry to hear about all of this. If you need a place to vent or talk through something, I'm only a sparkmail away.
    3143 days ago
  • TIGGER622
    Bill, as always you are amazing! You have come through a lot, and you will get through this too!!! Especially with the new twists of your life - things are a changin!!!! Go with it!!! You DESERVE to take care of yourself!!! HUGS!
    3143 days ago
    Bill, it does sound like a tough 18 months. Good luck on the igniting the Spark, round 2. Looking forward to when you, BobbyD, Jan and I can get a ride in together. Summer 2013 perhaps?
    3144 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4269557
    Bill - changes like you are experiencing are tough and there is no right answer but you are making progress. Writing it all down is a huge first step and I know you'll keep taking them in the right direction. One day at a time and one goal at a time. You'll get there. Let me know if you need anything!
    3144 days ago
    Bill, I am very glad to see you are back here. I've gained back almost all of the weight I lost so I can relate to what you are saying. Your last line really hits home for me. I've been letting other people's actions and opinions shape the way I feel about myself. It's time I change the way I react. It's hard - I find myself falling into that trap again and again. But people like you are what keep me going. You were so very nice to me when we first met. As the Mr. said, it was obvious there were some issues even then but you were doing what you needed for yourself. I know you will find your way back to that again.
    3144 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5123123
    Bill, glad that you are back! Sorry that your life has been in turmoil in recent months but it sounds like you have your life back in order, are moving forward, and ready to start this new phase of your life. Thanks for sharing what I am sure has been the most difficult struggle in your life, you continue to be an inspiration.
    Stay strong, we are all here to support you.
    3145 days ago
    emoticon Can't find an icon that says been there and done that on the weight regain. Best wishes to you and you face it and try to improve your health. That's the big idea....good health. And only you can prevent forest fires.

    As to the kids, be true to DD at all times making her a priority. I have seen the devastating effects esp on teen grandkids. Counseling for her is important from what I've seen. And it goes on for several years as they are going through different stages. I hope she has supportive grandparents. One divorced gd has had the special support of her father after she was graduated from high school and for the past 12 years since. It's a good time for them both.

    Wishing DD and you some very happy days.
    3145 days ago
    hope 2013 is a happier year for you
    3145 days ago
    You have had a very stressful time for the past few months. You sound a lot like a friend of mine with regard to the divorce situation. His DD was angry with him for months but finally realized that everyone was better off with the new situation and they have a good relationship. I don't know how old your daughter is, but she will eventually come to the realization that she wants you to be happy and will accept anyone that you love and that treats her well (dump anyone that doesn't treat your kids well because they are most likely controlling, selfish women).

    It sounds like you are wrapping up a lot of loose ends on your "old" life and will soon be able to start looking ahead to a new one. I think once the details on the house have been finalized and you are in your own place you will be able to worry about and concentrate on yourself.

    Hang in there and remember you have the strength inside you to get you through this and you will have many successes in the future.
    3145 days ago

    Now is the new normal. Isn't it frustrating that it is uncontrollable and unpredictable?

    Best wishes for a healthful emotional journey. The physical health will follow, small step to small step.

    3145 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4454521

    I'm not going to say I'm sorry for what has transpired, sometimes letting go of a poor emotional situation can be so cathartic. I hope that this new chapter of your life will enable you to not only get back to where you were physically, but surpass it!

    Best of wishes and support in the coming year.
    3145 days ago
    emoticon Although I knew bits and parts, no one knows it all unless they've lived it~ Hoping you find that 'thing' to give you the push to care for YOU again, You are Worth it!
    3145 days ago
    I'm sorry to hear this (though I know we talked about it briefly a few months ago) but I'm praying things get better soon. I'm glad to hear you're moving on with your life. Ultimately a happy mom and dad is the best thing for your DD. My parents divorced when I was 8 and while there are still things I take forward with me as a result but they weren't right for each other and it didn't take long to see it was for the best.

    I know you will do what you need to do to get your weight under control again. We're often our harshest critics on that front but don't wait for the right time, just jump in. Not when the new year starts like a billion other people but now. I've got nerve damage in my left foot right now too (please tell me yours has healed! How long til you felt better?) and all of my workouts are modified. I freaked out at first and I'm just doing what it takes to modify calories for the lessened calorie burned and praying for a quick recovery. It sucks to have injuries but I know you have bounced back from them and challenges before...you can do it again. Get to it sir!
    3145 days ago
  • TRICIA0623
    Thanks for sharing. As always, the key is learning to deal with where you are in the journey - life & spark wise. I am so sorry you have had such struggles, but, I believe things will be looking up from here on out - take care of you!!! Please know that you have been an inspiration & great spark friend to me & if ever you need someone to return the favor - I am here for you! ((hugs)) Have a happy holiday season despite the stress you are dealing with!
    3145 days ago

    I am very sorry to hear all of this. I don't really know the best way to comfort you but let me just say that you were one of the first people I came across on Spark who was truly inspiring. And while a lot of it did have to do with how much weight you lost, more of it, for me, was that you had done it in spite of everything being kind of against you. Not to be too harsh but it was fairly obvious to me that you didn't get the kind of support at home that you could have used and yet you lost all that weight anyway and for that I have to say bravo!

    No matter what has gotten in your way now, I know that you know you're capable of putting the smack down on it again and I know you will!
    3145 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/18/2012 2:09:41 PM
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