Oh, boy…where to start…
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
It’s been well over a year since I blogged last. So many changes, good and bad, have impacted my life in general. Let’s go back and catch everyone up over the past 18 months (insert dreamy time portal).
It’s May of 2011 and I’ve just finished running my marathon and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m taking the time off to rest my body and dwell. It’s during this time that I decide to leave my wife of 18+ years. We’ve been miserable for years, but kept trudging along. I finally could no longer stand the pain of staying and decided to move out. This was a great trauma to us all, DD very much. I lived with my brother for several months while I ‘figured things’ out. My wife and I did some counseling and had a great many talks, but in the end I decided that we weren’t meant to be. Last November I informed her that I wanted out permanently and I’d hoped we could work out a dissolution. That dream died this past summer and she filed for divorce. This long, drawn out process is looking to end soon and my life can return to normal, hopefully. Some of you used to be friends with her here, but she cancelled her account and didn’t want anything to do with me or here. I’ve nothing bad to say about her and wish her the best in whatever she does. I’m sorry that we let it get to this point or we lived miserable as long as we did.
During this time, last September, was the Air Force race that my previous blog discussed. Needless to say that lack of training hurt me for more than just a crappy race. Not long after the race my left foot started bothering me. It was a searing pain on the outside of the foot that made walking even painful. I did see a podiatrist and he said it was a nerve issue and that I should get fitted and all new shoes. Easier said than done where you’re trying to pick up the pieces of a poorly budgeted family (another issue in the marriage). I do buy some new shoes but pain sticks around. I remedy this by making excuses and sitting around letting it ‘heal.’ During this time I had to give up my gym membership as well because I needed the monthly cash for bills, so now I’m getting zero exercise. Gain weight.
Shortly there after ex-to-be and DD are moving out of our house into a new house. I’ll be moving back into our family dwelling and taking care of everything, alone. Add more stress and boredom…more eating. Currently the house has been on the market for 12 months and I’m working with my first contract. It’ll end up being a short sale if I can get the bank to agree. It’s not ideal, but I’ve fought tooth and nail to keep it out of foreclosure. I’ve borrowed money to pay bills, sold things, worked OT, but I can’t keep going. It’s a lovely house and if this deal goes through the people will be getting a steal on it. Being single and taking care of 2,200 sq ft alone is not easy, especially if you’ve got a house showing to put on or a yard that needs mowed as well. I’m ready to put this part of my life behind me and move forward.
My relationship with DD has had it’s peaks and valleys as well. After her initial down, she realized that I’m a different person without her mom’s influence around me. I’m much more calm (thanks to a great counselor helping me) and fun loving. We rode that high for some time until her mom found out that I was going to move on and start dating. DD didn’t like the idea (ex-2-b even less), but I never brought her into that part of my life. Adult time was adult time, dad and daughter time was just that. She slowly relearned that I was still there for her just like it had been.
During all of this time my weight has skyrocketed up. I can blame anything, everything, something, but truthfully, I control ME and I’ve done a poor job. I’ve been continuing to work with my endocrinologist about my Vitamin D deficiency; still out of control. She’s concerned for my weight and wants to try different meds off label, but I keep fighting it off. I’m just looking, waiting for the right push which hasn’t come until recently. I’ve been hinting about a plan and something big happening, but that will have to wait for another blog…soon.
So, this has been my life and my reason for lack of Sparkiness. I’ve been a good friend to many of you, but I’ve not been very good to myself. I used to be a very controlling, planning type person. All of this has taught me that I cannot control every situation…I can only control how I react to it.