Friday, December 14, 2012
I have had this stuff rolling around in my head for a few days if not weeks, pardon the rambling but I need to dump it:
When I was in high school, my early twenties - before and after I had my son I wore a size 22 top/bottom pretty solidly. I was the recepient of cat calls and rejected all at the same time because I was needy due to lack of self confidence, and low self esteem and a large fear of being rejected and alone. I weighed in around 200-220lbs and looking back at them pictures I looked pretty good.
Fast forward 20 years or so, I weight 240-250; I wear a size 16 pant and large/xlarge top and am not the recepient of cat calls, not as needy as I once was, have more self confidence and a higher self esteem - generally speaking, I love me which is something I really did not do then and I've probably written about this before.
Despite all that I'm happy with my progress, I do love me and my body as the body now despite the higher weight is made up of more muscle then fat and is a different overall shape, yet I am frustrated that the scale and tape measure aren't moving. Yes, I see and notice physically changes, less grabbable fat in certain areas but for some reason it seems like it's not enough.
I think part of the problem is that one I'm not feeling good so I'm more sensitive to things; two I'm frustrated with my lack of progress with other things too not just weight lose; three I cannot mentally picture myself at my goal weight/shape/size. A lot of people have goals connected to their weight lose that has to do with an outfit or a dress or a pair of pants in connection to the weight and I don't have that, I haven't had that because its really been about getting healthier far more then it has been about any of those other things. They are all just bi-products of a healthy living.
Then there is the fear of rejection, being made fun of, its holding me back and I need to stop letting those old voices hold me back. They are stopping me from trying to network in the Culinary/Pastry world to learn more, do more and get to the point of opening my shop. The Culinary/Pastry world is very small here in the Twin Cities area and who you know or don't know and how well you're perceived/received is very important so I'm trying to find ways to break out of my shell for lack of better term and move forward with my dream.
I'm not quite sure where this will lead but at least I got it out and can re-reflect on it later vs dwelling on it. It is a time for action.