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Dumping

Friday, December 14, 2012

I have had this stuff rolling around in my head for a few days if not weeks, pardon the rambling but I need to dump it:

When I was in high school, my early twenties - before and after I had my son I wore a size 22 top/bottom pretty solidly. I was the recepient of cat calls and rejected all at the same time because I was needy due to lack of self confidence, and low self esteem and a large fear of being rejected and alone. I weighed in around 200-220lbs and looking back at them pictures I looked pretty good.

Fast forward 20 years or so, I weight 240-250; I wear a size 16 pant and large/xlarge top and am not the recepient of cat calls, not as needy as I once was, have more self confidence and a higher self esteem - generally speaking, I love me which is something I really did not do then and I've probably written about this before.

Despite all that I'm happy with my progress, I do love me and my body as the body now despite the higher weight is made up of more muscle then fat and is a different overall shape, yet I am frustrated that the scale and tape measure aren't moving. Yes, I see and notice physically changes, less grabbable fat in certain areas but for some reason it seems like it's not enough.

I think part of the problem is that one I'm not feeling good so I'm more sensitive to things; two I'm frustrated with my lack of progress with other things too not just weight lose; three I cannot mentally picture myself at my goal weight/shape/size. A lot of people have goals connected to their weight lose that has to do with an outfit or a dress or a pair of pants in connection to the weight and I don't have that, I haven't had that because its really been about getting healthier far more then it has been about any of those other things. They are all just bi-products of a healthy living.

Then there is the fear of rejection, being made fun of, its holding me back and I need to stop letting those old voices hold me back. They are stopping me from trying to network in the Culinary/Pastry world to learn more, do more and get to the point of opening my shop. The Culinary/Pastry world is very small here in the Twin Cities area and who you know or don't know and how well you're perceived/received is very important so I'm trying to find ways to break out of my shell for lack of better term and move forward with my dream.

I'm not quite sure where this will lead but at least I got it out and can re-reflect on it later vs dwelling on it. It is a time for action.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GODSCHILD2_2011
    I totally agree with ARKPLE. A lot of us who have had weight issues all our lives have experienced what you’re feeling. When those negative thoughts pop in your head, you have to replace them with positive ones immediately.
    I know firsthand how eating right and exercise and not seeing the scale move can be really frustrated especially when you hear of others losing weight weekly. Everbody bodies different and we lose it at our own pace, that’s why it’s called a LIFESTYLE change. Maybe changing what you eat and your exercise routine will help your body to recharge. One your body gets used to the same exercise day in and day out, it get use to it and you sometime will have a long time in stalled weight lost.

    Think about what you love about yourself daily and look in the mirror and say it out loud to yourself. I believe that as you build yourself up in confidence and set out and start networking with other people in the culinary/pastry field, that confidence you have will ooze out of you.

    Yes, you will always have those who judge us by our weight and we can’t change the way others think. It’s been my experience that people in the business world love those who display confidence. Do you even if you have to do it afraid and once you prove those naysayers wrong by succeeding then that success will command respect no matter what size you are.

    Never allow your weight to hold you back from something you truly want to do. Step out in faith even if you have to do it afraid. Much success on your journey and keep us posted.

    emoticon
    2716 days ago
  • KARENLEIGH32
    Keep positive and you will succeed! Only you can 'climb out of your shell'~
    2717 days ago
  • BKWERM
    Sounds like your head is in the right place now. Take joy in who you are now compared to who you were then.

    You know what to do. Just keeping doing it and eventually the weight will come off. I should know! I started actively trying to lose weight in 1998 when I weighed my highest of 264. Since then, the lowest I got was 193 around 2003. From 2003 to 2007, I gained back 40 pounds and then I joined SP in 2007 and since then I've lost 20 pounds. So, I KNOW that losing weight takes time. You just have to be patient.

    emoticon emoticon
    2718 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5696353
    I think you hit the nail on the head with your frustration laying in other areas and not just weight loss. The weight may be symbolic and may start to come off again (yes, the scale WILL move down) as the other frustrations in your life begin to ease up a bit. Opening your own shop is a BIG step. What little steps can you take in that direction? As always, one step at a time; i.e. getting your toe wet in the local Culinary/Pastry network. Talk back to those old voices. Talk loudly and assertively on your own behalf. You can move ahead and you will, in many new and positive directions. xo
    2718 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/14/2012 6:25:10 PM
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