SP Premium
4,000-5,499 SparkPoints 4,408


Thursday, December 13, 2012

emoticon My depression tires me out. I'm the only one in my family to have it, and while my parents want to understand it, they really don't. They believe a lot of the common myths about depression and anxiety. They question why I have either because "I have a good life". Or, my dad thinks I'm depressed "because my brother has a girlfriend and I don't have a boyfriend". (I'm not saying I ENJOY that my brother 6 years my junior has a 2+ year relationship when I've never had a relationship that lasted more than 3 months, but that isn't it.) It's hard to put into words what having either feels like, especially when my parents ask me on a "good" day. You just have to have it. You just have to be able to personally relate. But they can't, so I pretend like my anti depressants are working. I pretend like I don't get depression and anxiety that debilitates me. I put on a fake smile for the world, and on days I can't, I crawl into my bed with Paisley and pretty much stay there until the pain dies down. Or I sleep so long I can't sleep anymore. But it's exhausting hiding. It's exhausting faking it. I do it for everyone's own good - everyone's except my own. I've already tried two different kinds of anti depressants, and increased the dosage of the latter. It messes up my sleeping patterns and I still get depression far too often for my liking. I trust my parents but yet I can't reach out to them about this. They just get frustrated which they turn into anger towards me (though I know they aren't TRULY angry with me). I can't go to the doctor and pay $200 for her to prescribe me another medication that may or may not work. I'm just sick of this. I'm tired. I had depression undiagnosed for about a decade, and anxiety undiagnosed for 6 years. But being diagnosed makes things worse, in some aspects.

emoticon I didn't go to work today. My toilet DID overflow (and still isn't working properly; it's clear simple plunging doesn't solve the problem) and flooded my bathroom floor right before I was going to get dressed for work. It was sort of a huge blessing because I was able to honestly say I had to clean up my bathroom and couldn't come in. I dried my floor and proceeded to lay down, not feeling like doing a damn thing. At 1, I decided I'd give myself 15 more minutes to feel sorry for myself and then get out of bed. Here I am. On my couch. Digesting my lunch. I'm going to refill my Camelbak, put on some workout clothes, and do every single strength video I logged today plus do day 2 of my EA Sports Active 2 game. I'm hoping I at least have a feeling of accomplishment when I complete all of that. But in reality, I need to clean my apartment so I can have someone come in to fix my toilet, which will add a few hours to my day. None of this is a big deal but I get really overwhelmed about small things, especially when small things start to add up.

emoticon I've rambled on enough for now. Going to do one of the Spark videos and get going.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I hope you like your EASA2 workout, and that it helps to make you feel better! They are tough workouts I think, but then it is such a sense of accomplishment.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2965 days ago
    I related to your blog big time. I get overwhelmed about small things that add up too. Just wanted you to know there are others like you out there.
    2965 days ago
  • EVEMG12

    I suffer from depression and anxiety as well, so I know how you feel. And I feel you about the little things adding up and becoming overwhelming. It's frustrating when people just dont get it, they don't understand why you cant just snap out of it and get it together.

    I hope your day got better, and that doing the videos relieved some anxiety and stress. Thinking about you and wishing you all the best!

    2965 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12054749
    Depression and anxiety suck, I have both as well and hate them. Hope your day got better!
    2965 days ago
    I do understand what you're going through. I commend you for blogging it and letting it all out. I'll often have something typed up, and then close the window or hit "Delete". You have a lot more courage than I do to hit the "Submit" button.

    Take care. Enjoy your new game! Hopefully that will bring some good energy.
    2965 days ago

    I've never really suffered from depression, although I have had panic attacks, for which I occasionally take xanax. My heart goes out to you.
    2965 days ago
  • GAYLE73
    Yikes! Sounds just awful. Thanks for sharing. I don't have this problem but hearing what you suffer will make me be more sympathetic to others that have the same condition. emoticon
    2965 days ago
    Your blog just saddens me because I know exactly what it's like to have to "put on a act." I did that for years and years and then when I finally told my parents, they belittled me and said some of the same cr@p all people that don't understand say. "But you have so much to be thankful for!" and "Snap out of it!" My father also cussed at me and threatened to take me to the state institution so I could see what people with mental problems REALLY look like - he said they'd be playing in their own feces. I know I've mentioned this before and if it was to you, sorry for the replay.

    Anyway, the point is that I had suffered through hell in silence for years and finally got the courage to tell the people who were "supposed" to love me (that's a whole other story) that I was sick and needed help and they punished me for it.

    I don't think you should have to put on an act. I don't think you should have to pretend that the meds are helping, if they aren't. I think you should go to a psychologist or psychiatrist and tell them what's going on with your parents and then make your parents go to the next visit with you. They obviously don't have a clue about what depression is all about and they need to be educated so that they can be a support to you instead of a hindrance.

    It's like another person who commented said, it's a chemical imbalance - it's no different than if you were diagnosed with diabetes. I wish you could tell them that and I wish they'd "get" it. If you were diagnosed with a physical illness, I bet they'd get it and it's the same thing!
    There's really no excuse for your parents to be so ignorant about depression in this day and age with such open access to the internet.

    Sometimes it takes a while to find the right medication, or dosage, or combination of medications. Don't give up - you deserve to live a better life than this. If you can't afford to get help - I know one of the leaders/co-leaders that has good info about that - SLIMMERKIWI

    I'm so, so sorry for you - I've been there and it's just not fair. emoticon
    2965 days ago
  • KRYS210
    Depression is often a chemical imbalance. You can't help it anymore than catching a cold! Clearly that medicine is not helping, do you not have a different dr. you can try? It might be worth the money to feel alive again, in my opinion.
    Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    2965 days ago
    emoticon It's easy to get overwhelmed by the small stuff when you don't feel good. I hope doing your video energizes you and makes you feel better!
    2965 days ago
    Ah man...I completely know what you're going through and sometimes it is really hard to see the wood for the trees and you just feel like a ton of bricks are weighing you down. And it sounds like you actually needed that time today.

    I wonder if there are people in your life who do understand and who it would be possible to see when you feel like this? Not necessarily to talk about it, but almost just to distract you, to watch a film or chill out with. My mother struggles with depression and that is something I know helps her. Sometimes, she just comes round and cooks and cleans just because it makes her feel better and she knows she doesn't want to be in her flat.

    Remember the things that do make you happy and try to do at least one of them on these types of days. It's really not helpful that your family find it difficult to understand, because that's very detrimental to you. Do you have a doctor or someone you speak to that they might be able to get more information from? It's actually something I would suggest because people who don't udnerstand can get very irritating and make these types of days worse!

    Anyway, I hope you have a nice evening and that you've still managed to eat one healthy thing today :)

    Take care thinking of you
    2965 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.