Gotta Start Somewhere
Monday, December 03, 2012
Well, here we go. I decided not to "weight" till January first - because that would just be another month that I have put off what I need to do. I was sitting on the couch about to order Chinese food for about the 500th time - and I just teared up. I sit and think about all the aspects of my life that are influenced by my weight.
When I go out dancing - I get so winded and at times become so red faced I feel like I am going to either pass out or have a heart attack. The thought of a heart attack is so at the fore-front of my mind that when bartenders ask me how I am doing - I usually make some comment about "well they haven't had to call the ambulance yet." OR when I go attempt exercise I tell friends "if I am not back in 30 minutes - call 911." I know in my mind - and the reality is that although I say it in a very joking manner - I think about the possibility literally every time I make these comments.
My father died at 45 of heart failure due to his body going in to shock after his sugar dropped /due to diabetes related complications. My aunt died at 35 from a heart attack. My grandfather late 40's of heart failure. My mother has had heart issues that were only recently fixed after heart surgery - so yes, I may make ambulance jokes but I am very aware that I am not in a healthy place with my heart-. And the fact that I am obese really just makes the thought of heart issues that much more of a reality and a part of my daily life.
When booking a flight - I worry about the seating and make sure I get an "extra large" seat, when I go out with friends - I worry about the food I order and think OMG I can't get the nachos because how cliche is it for a fat girl eating nachos? When I had my nieces and nephews over the summer - I would chase them around and then just be so out of breathe -
When I interview for singing gigs - I cringe when people book me for auditions - because I have lost so many lead singer gigs because I didn't have the right "image" or AKA the right waist measurements - My weight has dictated what I can and can't do for so many years.
I avoid relationships, I avoid activities with friends, I couldn't sky dive with my sister last year, I retake photos from my good angle, I could go on - but I just know I just really want to make a change.
It's not about being skinny, it's about being healthy and finding balance. I am for the most part comfortable in my own skin but recently realizing that I am becoming more and more unstructured and with that comes some other personality traits that I am not happy with.
So I am going to put forth a real, contentiousness effort. I am going to give myself a set number of days to determine if I can make healthier choices and create healthier habits -
Also I am going to keep a blog for added motivation. So that I have someone to answer to - you - my friends. I guess its a way to keep myself in check? That added benefit of accountability and full disclosure. I also hope that if something I am doing isn't the best way - that you will make suggestions.. advice and maybe better solutions to this problem.
So day one starts now.
Going to setup my blog so - anyone can comment on this..