The worrying game...what to do..what to do?
Saturday, November 24, 2012
I have heard that worrying and stress can add to weight gain, I can't say that's the only reason why I am overweight but hey if it adds to it...how do i stop it?
I am a hospice caregiver, I take care of people who are on their deathbeds and would like to pass in the comfort of their own home and I am there to make sure I take care of everything my patient needs in order to take that responsibility away from the family..that way they can just go back to being family for their loved one and not caregivers.I never realized how much of an impact that my job has on me and my stress level but it really does. I think about death allot!! and worry about my husband, my kids and if they are safe, I worry about my other job where I take care of a 94 year old that has no family, I worry about my relationship with my husband because I am such a control freak..I can go on and on about the things I worry about.
Just recently I had a mammogram done and found that the results were not in my favor and now I have to have an x-ray guided biopsy in order for them to extract some of the tissue from the mass and then tell me whether it is cancer or not.
I have already gone to my Doctor and requested medication to get me through my anxiety attacks, but how far can medication go to correct what is really going on with me.
Today I am at a crossroads, bills are piling up and my job is causing me to rethink if I should really be in the field anymore after 20 years, as for my patient that I take care of who is 94 and with no family I am faced with whether or not I should continue to take care of his every need..I do not know what to do I have four kids two of which are in diapers and a teenager who is driving me crazy and of course my middle child who I believe does not get enough of my attention.This by now is probably sounding like one big bitch session but these problems are so hard for me to figure out right now.
So I am forced to answer what is best for me, that is easy quit my job and stay at home avoid the huge daycare bill, pay attention to my middle son and kick my 18 year old out and of course work things out with my husband...but its not that simple, my patient depends on me, I am all he has, and he will not be on this earth much longer...my hospice patients give me a purpose in life they allow me to see something beautiful and that's watching them leave this earth for their soul to join the next ( what ever and where ever that is) as for my kids I have to admit I am done with my daughter and her disrespect the insults and her constant attacks on me..but she is my daughter and she is young and I can not turn my back on her now...I thought by blogging somehow I could come to a conclusion but well..I have not...I'm sick with worry but with a little more time I hope this works out..
For me by me..