In search of worth
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
I was talking with a co-worker this past Friday who has had serious counseling in the past.
Her defining moment was when she realized that she felt "unlovable". Not that those in her life did not love her - she did have a few heart wrenching issues going on at that time, but had people in her life who loved her.
Of course, I am always thinking, and this spurred my thinking over the whole weekend.
I feel no value. I feel worthless.
I have felt this way for a long, long time.
My value has come from what I do, and do, and do.
It is inconceivable that I have value, by my self, by just "being".
This sense of worth tied in with actions is not healthy. (I guess that goes without saying) But when I look back over 40 some years of life, I see the pattern. I excelled in school - not totally, but enough to get me into college and beyond. I move from entry level to mid-management in every job I've ever had. Only so far up though, you see....
This translates into so much for me when it comes to weight loss.
If I felt worth it, I would put more consistency into my workouts.
If I felt worth it, I would eat more healthy, and make sure I had enough rest.
I would not need as much coffee with cream and sugar to keep me motoring all morning at work.
If I felt worth it, I would not let others make me feel guilty or sick to my stomach when I cannot "DO" all of the things that I feel the need to "DO" for them.
I feel physically ill when my husband and I have words, and it is usually over something that I Did or Did Not Do....
We all face a struggle. Everyone's journey is different than my journey; believe me, I know this.
I need the tools to be able to face my worthlessness.
I no longer wish to hate myself or beat myself up because of my behavior.
I need to see my true worth...through God's eyes.
I am for once taking the journey of weight loss seriously. When I exercise, I am aiming for an hour. When I eat, I am trying to eat when I'm hungry, and eat better things.
I share songs with people - because that is another thing that I do...the biggest difference being that I step out in faith, putting myself into the song. Others relate because they hear the note of pain, truth, love, whatever my experience brings.
I am stepping out in faith today, righting wrongs and LIVING. It is no longer acceptable to have others speak for me or make decisions for me. I may only have today, so I will make the most of it!