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In search of worth

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

I was talking with a co-worker this past Friday who has had serious counseling in the past.
Her defining moment was when she realized that she felt "unlovable". Not that those in her life did not love her - she did have a few heart wrenching issues going on at that time, but had people in her life who loved her.
Of course, I am always thinking, and this spurred my thinking over the whole weekend.
I feel no value. I feel worthless.
I have felt this way for a long, long time.
My value has come from what I do, and do, and do.
It is inconceivable that I have value, by my self, by just "being".
This sense of worth tied in with actions is not healthy. (I guess that goes without saying) But when I look back over 40 some years of life, I see the pattern. I excelled in school - not totally, but enough to get me into college and beyond. I move from entry level to mid-management in every job I've ever had. Only so far up though, you see....

This translates into so much for me when it comes to weight loss.
If I felt worth it, I would put more consistency into my workouts.
If I felt worth it, I would eat more healthy, and make sure I had enough rest.
I would not need as much coffee with cream and sugar to keep me motoring all morning at work.
If I felt worth it, I would not let others make me feel guilty or sick to my stomach when I cannot "DO" all of the things that I feel the need to "DO" for them.
I feel physically ill when my husband and I have words, and it is usually over something that I Did or Did Not Do....

We all face a struggle. Everyone's journey is different than my journey; believe me, I know this.
I need the tools to be able to face my worthlessness.
I no longer wish to hate myself or beat myself up because of my behavior.
I need to see my true worth...through God's eyes.
I am for once taking the journey of weight loss seriously. When I exercise, I am aiming for an hour. When I eat, I am trying to eat when I'm hungry, and eat better things.

I share songs with people - because that is another thing that I do...the biggest difference being that I step out in faith, putting myself into the song. Others relate because they hear the note of pain, truth, love, whatever my experience brings.
I am stepping out in faith today, righting wrongs and LIVING. It is no longer acceptable to have others speak for me or make decisions for me. I may only have today, so I will make the most of it!

Linda Lea
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LINDALEA1170
    Thank you for the kind and encouraging words!
    My goal right now is to stop the scale from going up....
    Have an awesome weekend!
    Linda Lea
    2999 days ago
    What a heart-touching blog.

    It doesn't matter how often or how sincerely I tell you that you are worth it simply because you exist. You have figured out the truth--YOU have to believe it for yourself.

    So, here's to every step you take toward the light of self-love. You are going to struggle, and sometimes you're going to struggle like hell. But every step will make you stronger, every battle will encourage you.

    You can do this. One day, one moment, one decision at a time, you can move toward a recognition that you matter enough to do for yourself the way you do for others.

    Best of success to you.
    2999 days ago
    You are worth it!!!
    I use to think I was not worth any thing and then I had 2 years of counseling in fact I still see my therapist every two week but now we talk about how good I feel about myself and my life. We also talk about Spark People and how much Spark friends and Spark teams have helped me with so many small and big problems I have had in my life. The support you can get on here can help you feel good about yourself but first you must learn to love yourself. That seemed so hard to me in the beginning but after counseling I can say I am proud of myself and love me.
    You have my support in your time of need.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3001 days ago
  • TIG123GER
    It is important that you realize how valuable you are and that you are worth the effort. You ARE and you can and will do this. Lots of luck!!
    3001 days ago
    Good that you are doing so much thinking. If we understand ourselves it really helps to know why we are eating. Have a healthy journey.
    3001 days ago
  • MJRVIC2000
    There is a key to LOVE! You won't know how to love others until you learn to love yourself; and you won't know how to love God until you learn to love others. May God Bless YOU on your journey! Vic.
    3001 days ago
    You are worth it!
    3001 days ago
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