You'd think, with all this "leisure" time I have, not working and all, that I'd be happily relaxed and not pining for a vacation.
A part of it is the inevitable worry, not just about money and bills, but also, a small, nagging voice saying, "You're never going to work again!"
I hate that voice.
Yet it is talking to me, and it gets louder at times, and softer at others. Yes, folks, same old, same ole - I can't find work.
It is not through a lack of effort on my part, nor is it due to a lack of prospects out there (although over the summer, it was dead, dead, dead here). Last Friday, I had a phone screen. It all sounded lovely. The woman I talked to was pleasant and liked my questions. And whenever I'd ask, "Now, let me see if I understand ...", I would be right.
And here we are.
Now, I am well aware that these things take time, it doesn't happen overnight, yeah, I know all of this. I know the lyrics to this old song because I sing it every freakin' day.
And of course I sing it about my weight loss journey as well.
Important things take time.
You didn't get heavy overnight.
Maintenance is harder than losing.
Long-term losing is especially difficult.
You're 50 so, by definition, losing is a pain in the patoot.
And on and on and on.
I am awfully tired of the song.
And I am so tired of it that, truth be told, I've been ignoring other still, small voices.
On Sunday (er, yesterday), I got out a pair of jeans and put them on. Now, this is not remarkable in and of itself. However, this was the first time I'd put on something longer than capri pants (other than sweats) since early June or so, when Massachusetts decided to become as hot as the surface of the sun.
Size 16, dontcha know.
And they fit.
No tugging, no holding my breath. No cursing the day I was born.
Yes, I have been smaller. During this weight loss journey, I flirted off and into size 10 territory.
But I am fine with this. For the voice that tells me I will never work again and that I am a 16 and should be a 10 is trying to drown out the other voice.
The other voice says, yeah, you're a 16, but less than 5 years ago, you were a 26.
It says you walk every day and you lift weights and you have stamina that other people of your age can only dream about.
It says you make good choices and you don't let a brownie pulverize your willpower and your desire.
It says this ain't easy but you are doing it pretty damned well.
Now I just need to get it to talk about my job search.