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Where oh Where has the Mesama Gone?

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

So, yeah, I know... I've been missing in action here on SparkPeople...

I don't have any excuses. I don't want to offend by even trying to offer any. However, I do want tell all of my wonderful Sparkies.... I have not given up! Nor do I plan to ever give up.

I would like to offer a tidbit on what has been going on over the last month or so though... or, cough cough, a long winded tidbit.... lol, you know me! :)

I was hurt by someone I thought was a friend and I have to admit, it effected me more than I let on or even thought. I let it cause me to fall into an old habit and sorta, kinda disappeared there for a minute. This is a habit that I acknowledge and is one of many that I am trying to change... if I get hurt, I fade away into the distance and it usually takes me months, sometimes even years to come back from it.

However, I am back! Yes! Hi-Dee-Ho!!! emoticon

It has been about a month since that happened (so, I did bounce back a lot faster than I would have in the past) and I had to take a few moments to gather myself back up and brush myself off. I'm apologize to all my wonderful spark friends for fading away there and I thank you for thinking of me.... I'm back... I promise.

Just a FYI... I did log onto SP every single day even though I didn't write blogs or correspond like I did before. You all have been on my mind and I've enjoyed watching all of your successes and my heart hurt when I read about your falls.
Oh and just a reminder... to all you wonderful Sparkers....
I'm here and I will always be your cheerleader.
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Anyways, on to other things during my MIA month...

My brother and his girl friend are expecting their first child at the beginning of October and I have been busy planning a baby shower. I also did my very first "photo shoot" ever with them and did some pregnancy pictures for them. They turned out well, in my opinion anyway. lol Now, that those things are over, I just get to sit by and wait excitedly to lay eyes on my first niece ever! Can't wait. :)

Also, getting the kids ready for school to start was hectic... Our schools are struggling with funding around here, they are asking parents to provide reams of paper, anti-bacterial wipes, pencils, markers, hand sanitizer, tissue, glue, notebook paper, etc... this isn't a HUGE deal but they are asking us to provide them for the classrooms, not just our individual students. When you are on a tight budget, it does hurt to have to supply the classes with paper for the copy machine, not to mention school uniforms, new shoes and backpacks. Ouch! Oh well, I did shop and browse for the best deals I could find and we managed to get everything that they requested and that our boys needed.

Anyhow, somewhere in there, I'm not even sure how or why but my husband and I had a huge falling out. We normally are not the fighting type. We don't yell at each other and we usually know each other well enough to steer clear when the other is in "a mood". This way we avoid most arguments and get along rather well. This time it was terrible, heart wrenching and the first serious fight we have had in years.

In the end, it worked itself out. We are okay now. We are actually back to our usual playfully loving selves but that fight was mortifying. It sent me into the darkest place I have been in in a while that day and it took a lot of soul searching, digging, crying and screaming to get out of it.

I am thankful to have a husband that supports me, especially when he recognizes I am in pain. Particularly when he does not understand it, even more so, when I don't understand it either. I am also proud of myself for finally learning and knowing him enough to accept that despite his body language and inability to communicate, there is love in his heart. And in that knowledge, I can let go of my hurt and anger so we can move forward. Thank goodness we have learned and loved enough to make it through many battles and hardships. I still don't know how this argument spun so out of control but I am grateful that it is over now and may it be another several years before another arises or even better, never again (yet, I won't hold my breath, lol). Fingers crossed.

My knee has been acting up. I was thinking it was getting better until I was shopping for food at Costco for the baby shower and along I went. Next think I know, my knee pops for the first time in over a week and I cry out in pain. I was with my mom and she turns and looks at me all wide eyed. She then whispers to me.... "Did you wet yourself?" What?!? No, why? She pointed and there was water on the floor behind me. LOL! Did I wet myself? Pshhh... but funny. However, I must have slipped on that water on the floor and that is why my knee popped. If I was smart, I would have sat down in the middle of the isle (like I really wanted to do) and cried my eyes out. Ever since slipping, my knee has hurt on almost a daily basis, front and back now, and I think I had grounds to file an incident report with them. Oh well, I didn't and I have been sorta babying it and I think it is getting better. Let's hope so....

As for the sparking front.... Plain and simply put... I've been slacking!

I think it happened progressively... it started with eating a little more. Then walking a little less. I even got to day 94 of 100 days of exercise, then decided to take a day off. Why in the world would I do that!?!?!?!?! I was so close to hitting that goal. SOOO close!!! Oh well, can't go back now and can only move forward. As you may have guessed, taking that day off led to taking another and another. I'd throw in a couple days a week where I'd do some half-a$$ed exercising. I walked for 10 minutes here or danced for 5 there but my heart wasn't in it.

The eating... gah, the eating! My biggest struggle with this whole thing is... I still LOVE food! I still crave things like macaroni and cheese... offer me chocolate? SURE! Wanna order a pizza? Hecks yeah, I do! Food will always be a struggle for me, I know this, I accept this. However, even though for the last month or so, having almost daily binges. I am realizing something, it may not be a big deal to you, but to me it is really BIG.... when I binge, I'm not able to binge on as much. I used to be able to eat 2 whole frozen Red Baron pizzas all by my lonesome (I usually don't eat more than a bite or two of the crust) and still feel like I could put away more if I really wanted to. But now, I get almost sick to my stomach full after one. Yes, I know that is still A LOT of food but it is significantly less than what used to be. To me that says... even though I am struggling with how much I eat and what I eat, the small effort I have put into it is indeed paying off. My stomach doesn't need as much as it used to before I get full. I was accomplishing something.

So, I'm back... now what?

This last week was week one of the Biggest Loser Fall Challenge and I admit, I didn't do a whole lot or give my all for this first week. I guess, I did put a little more effort into the exercise and on the moving front and amazingly enough, it paid off... I had a 1.6 lb. loss. In all honesty, I was a little surprised but hey, I'm so not arguing.

I am also more confident in my scale because a very dear friend surprised me with a new one. A while ago, I was very discouraged because my doctors office scale gave me a much different weight than the one at home did. I should have known because of the inconsistent numbers but it was discouraging just the same. But now those worries are gone thanks to her. You know who you are babe, and I still get teary eyed every time I take out my new sparkly scale that tells me the same weight when I step on it multiple times. You did that for me and I cannot thank you enough. Love you! :)

As for the attitude, I'm working on it. I'm ready to get back on track. I just have to ignore the feelings of "I don't wanna" because I know deep down, I really do wanna. Time to get my butt back to dancing an hour a day and walking 2 miles and doing my strength training. Back at it.... Never gave up... but slacked... Goodbye slacker... Welcome Back to Sparkling Me!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You really do know how I feel. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you but I'm here now.

    3148 days ago
    Life is tough for sure! So glad you didn't give up. A QUITTER you are NOT! I always look forward to your posts and blogs Sweetie Pie!

    xoxoxo Marg
    3166 days ago

    Thank goodness I still had a way to talk to you while you were MIA on Spark... I think I mighta went into withdrawal symptoms if I didn't get to talk to my Rissy at all! You are ONE of the only reasons I hold onto my Facebook account.. lol.

    Girl... words can't express how happy I am to see you back Sparking. So sorry about your knee... loved your mom's wet your pants comment.. lol. Love from Texas:::::::::::::

    3167 days ago
  • VALYNN26
    Glad to see you back & I really hope your knee gets better for you. I hope you know that anytime you need me for anything, I am here. You are such a wonderful person, an inspiration to me, & Most of all an amazing friend. emoticon emoticon

    3167 days ago
    You are just a joy to be with, even in a virtual world. So many of us can relate to everything you're feeling. You did great this week- and obviously there were more positives than negatives. Give yourself a hug and let's move forward. Because deep down we DO want to!

    3167 days ago
    Welcome back from the abyss.
    We are here for you.

    3167 days ago
    Yay.. I am so glad everything has worked itself out and you are back to blogging/being seen again :D I know it's going to be tough to get back into it, but after a few days you will feel so much better, and you will be at it again!! I can't wait till I can get up and start exercising again. Careful with your knee though! I don't want anything else to happen to you!!

    3167 days ago
    It's so good to see you back! I was worried about you
    3167 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1331346
    I am lad you are back i was worried.... glad everything is ok.. you know you can always contact me to talk about anything!! hugs!!
    3167 days ago
    I'm glad you're back! I hope your knee feels better soon, and you get back to posting fun, funny blogs like you used to! We missed you!

    3168 days ago
    I am so glad your back and not giving up.
    Love you my friend.
    3168 days ago
    You've been greatly missed!!! Sorry for the struggles and difficulties you've been dealing with...but good for you in finding your way back and not giving up!!!
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    3168 days ago
    You are such an amazing, funny writer! I laughed until I cried with you and your Mom at Cosco shopping! Not that I think it is funny about your knee... but girl.... the wet yourself part had me falling out! (Texas lingo!!) I am so glad you are back. I missed you. I am so thankful you and your hubby worked it out. I have had those times and it is so difficult to pull yourself through. emoticon emoticon I am attempting to have some "date" nights with my hubby just to keep the spark alive. Thankful you were able to get all the school supplies etc... whew.... it can be brutal on the budget getting those things together. emoticon Love that new sparkly scale! What a marvelous friend!! I ran today to some of the music you dance to! Get out there and dance girlie girl.... oh... and don't forget to ice that knee. emoticon
    3168 days ago
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