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My Name is Esther, and I Think I Have a Problem

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


Step one is admitting it, right?! *runs and hides*
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  • no profile photo CD12783562
    Your questions and your musings are really helping a lot of people as you move along with your progress.
    3167 days ago
    I've always had this crazy fear of success. As soon as it looks like something amazing was about to happen for me, I'd look for ways to tank it. If I hit a weight loss or fitness goal, I'd want to "reward" myself by eating lots of high-calorie junk and sitting on my arse for a week. I am the Queen of Denying Myself Good Things. For a long time, I didn't think I deserved them (because from the outside looking in my life has been pretty charmed and mostly because I had the good fortune to be born) and I still struggle with that image of myself.

    If I wasn't self-sabotaging, I was manipulating people into treating me terribly. Once I had a job that I completely HATED with every fiber of my being. Rather than addressing my issues with my employer, I just started calling in sick all the time and doing a whole bunch of passive-aggressive B.S. to make them think I wasn't such a viable employee anymore and show me the door. How crazy that I'd rather do something negative to change my situation than positive? SMH.

    I'm glad that you're putting it out there and examining some of your motivations.

    3167 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/13/2012 4:13:28 PM
    I think it's GREAT that you've made the connection to perfectionism and that you have an area that you can concentrate on. I don't know how tough this is, I don't honestly understand it, but I do connect with the adversity of your situation. I live with pain and it never goes away. I can ignore it, but in quiet times it often invades.

    I have gone the professional help route and it has helped, but it's hard for me try to get help because my issues are not "main stream", but I have found help.

    Wishing you all the best.
    3167 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10497195
    3167 days ago
    I have never been a binger, but I overeat all the time, especially at night when, like you, my defenses are down.

    Don't run and hide. You got it out there, and you're right, it is the first step.

    3167 days ago
    SIX MONTHS is an amazingly long time to keep the monster at bay. You're stronger than ever. Just remind yourself that one setback does not undo all your progress. Learn from this and move on. That damned monster is not the boss of YOU. Don't give it the power to come back for a very long time. emoticon

    I agree that there is a HUGE connection between binging and the pursuit of perfection. I call it my "all or nothing" mindset.

    You are one amazing woman. Give yourself some credit and cut yourself a little slack. What's the hurry? Enjoy the ride. You will get there (whatever "there" is to YOU)!
    3168 days ago
    What ERIN1128 said...
    Do you know CLAIREINPARIS? She has been struggling with binge eating for a long time. She's written some very brave blogs.
    I think the perfectionist connection is an important one to make.
    You will find your way! emoticon
    3168 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12783562
    In the blog link, you said you haven't binged in at least six months. When was the last time you wrote a schedule like that? Is there a connection?

    Did you ever go into Reports from MY TRACKER? I'm pretty new at this, so I'm still stumbling on new stuff. If you read my last blog or two, I anticipate that I won't be able to exercise this week, not even the simple walking or biking that I do. Now that it's Wednesday, it has proven true. But when I go into Reports, then click on Daily Calorie Differential, I am reminded that the calorie range I am given has a calorie deficit built into it. The exercise we do is just gravy, er, um, a feather in our caps. Monday I had -150 deficit, Tuesday -200 deficit with no exercise. When I do exercise, it's more like -589, -750, even -1189 once.

    So, this week when I can't exercise, I'll be holding my own. I may not see a loss on the scale when I weigh in again, but when I don't post a gain, that is a victory for me. Even though I haven't posted a loss, it doesn't mean I haven't lost anything, because my scale only weighs in half pounds. I probably won't realize a -1750 (half pound) deficit by next week, but considering the situation, that is good. I have not gained.

    All this means that if you do a form of exercise that is more user friendly, less rigid, you are going to see results. You do not have to suffer or knock yourself out. I know walking isn't impressive, but it gets results. Applying to your situation, if you walk one mile, you will burn 170-180 calories, and it doesn't take long to walk a mile. It lowers cortisol and relaxes you. You can do it with your family and possibly incorporate it into some of your errands at other times.

    Housework - I don't count dusting, dishes. I count housework when I am doing sustained work using upper and lower body. Examples: changing bedding, vaccuming, washing floors, anything requiring bending (cleaning oven, reaching under beds), stair climbing (for me that means laundry), climbing stepstools or ladders (washing windows and walls), sweeping floors and sidewalks, pushing and pulling (moving couch and other furniture), snow shoveling, you get the idea, My family enjoys the clean house and a satisfied mom.

    Housework is not the mainstay of my fitness. Walking and cycling are (and swimming in summer). But I do count the housework I do. Some days I tear into housework, some days less. On days I do less, I probably am counting more walking or biking. I also count my grocery trips to Walmart and such. I count it as walking, giving an honest estimate of what it would be if it were on the road. I don't add in the calories of carrying in the groceries and putting them away in case I overestimate the walking part because of stops and starts. When I grocery shop, it's a big trip because I go as seldom as possible due to distance.

    Just some ideas to ponder. When you read my blogs, from the start I am figuring out what causes me to overeat and exercise less. I am very analytical and it has come in handy for this. I am slowly coming to grips with what happened to get me this way. I was thin when I was younger, and I am figuring out why.

    We're going to be living this way the rest of our lives, so what's the hurry? Be patient and we'll find ourselves thin. A Spark coach said recently that even if we don't think we're making progress, we can be sure something is indeed changing in our bodies.

    One suggestion - take part of your 60-minute workout, say, 20 minutes to pack yourself a nice lunch or snacks whenever you go about town for anything, work, errands, whatever. Yes, take it out of your workout if you have to. If it protects you from eating at Long John Silver's, you at least have that. And that is a big deal. Then you are left with at least your non-exercise calorie deficit if you can't do the last 40 minutes of exercise. You have done no damage. And if you CAN do 40 minutes of exercise, that's about another 120 calories to your non-exercise deficit. And you won't feel so pressured.

    3168 days ago
    3168 days ago
    Well, if I could bring myself to be as brave as you are, I think I could have written that too. I'm not sure anything I've ever read before in my life hit as close to home as what you just wrote. I need to go read it again, then I need to write about how I'm going to face the monster myself. Change is good, change is positive and some say all you have to do is make up your mind and you can change, but I have found it to be harder than that.

    Thank you for being brave and sharing this.
    3168 days ago
    Very brave. And yes, step one is admitting it and leaning on your support system! We all fall down sometimes, the key is to get back up. GET UP! :-D
    3168 days ago
    Your blog was completely inspiring to me today. I never thought about how being a perfectionist creates a problems with my diet and exercise but reading through that really opened my eyes.


    And you're determined enough that I know you'll figure it out soon! You can do it, one step at a time!
    3168 days ago
    I am sorry you are going through this. Been there, done that. Finally I just had to stop in order to save my life. Literally. I hope you can get past this a lot earlier than I did. Basically I figured out that I was hiding beneath my fat. In protected me in ways that seem pointless now. When I was fat I didn't have to try. Being fat made me automatically a loser and imperfect. It weighed me down so hard it was impossible to get up, literally.

    Now I know deep in my core that I don't have anymore time to waste hiding. I only have one life, and it's automatically going to be terminated. Now my moments are precious and must be lived. I can't life a full life unless I get out of hiding. It took guts, determination and hard work, but more than that it took courage to face my demons and fight for my life.

    I don't binge anymore. I overeat, as you have stated here a completely different thing than binging.

    Now I practice HALT.

    Never get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. If I can keep all of those at bay, I can make a success out of each day.

    Big Hugs, I know how tough this one is.
    3168 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Unfortunately, I don't know if this stuff ever gets easier...but I think the fact that you own up to it publicly, and keep working to move forward, is awesome.
    3168 days ago
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