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Monday, September 10, 2012

Crack that whip
Give the past a slip

When a problem comes along
You must whip it
Before the cream sets out too long
You must whip it
When something's goin' wrong
You must whip it

Now whip it
Into shape
Shape it up
Get straight
Go forward
Move ahead
Try to detect it
It's not too late
To whip it
Whip it good

Read more: DEVO - WHIP IT LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/whi
Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Challenge Start Date: September 10, 2012
Challenge End Date: October 31, 2012

Sure, I could have called it the "Fall Challenge" or the "Halloween Challenge" but, honestly, how fun is that? It's time to crack the whip. Time to stop thinking and start doing. Go forward. Move ahead. That's what I need right now.

I have to admit that I lost my 170 pounds lost badge again as I somehow managed to pack on 8 pounds in a week last week (yes, I know that's not right...it's from the disordered eating I've had lately). So we're actually starting this challenge around 302-304 pounds, but I'm not calling it that way.

Starting Weight: 296.4
Goal Weight: 286.4
Goal of: 10 pounds lost

I had a long talk with my mom this weekend and she really validated some of my fears. It felt good to feel like someone really understood what I was going through and didn't fault my inability to focus as the one and only reason I haven't gotten any farther along this path. She understood that it's not just about me failing to succeed right now. In fact, she credited my determination while working against problems that aren't entirely my fault...well, at least they aren't entirely in my control.

Let's face it - everyone talks about the negative effects gaining weight can have on your body. We've all heard the horror stories and risk factors and crap about damaging your organs and causing undue strain on your joints. Yea. Got that. Thanks. But what no one likes to talk about is the negative mental and actual physical problems that can come out of losing a lot of weight. It's not just about sagging skin. Talking to my mother made me realize that it's not just me. I'm not "broken" somehow. I've lost 170 pounds. I do about 1,000 times more than I did when I was even just 100 pounds heavier. I'm more active. I'm constantly moving. And, in some respects, I'm torturing my body when I deprive it of the food it thinks it needs because I'm trying to be hard on myself and create a huge deficit. Since losing the weight I have developed serious mobility issues. Who would have thought they'd ever hear anyone say that? I actually blurted out loud yesterday to my mother, "Sometimes I wish I was bigger again...it was easier."

It's the dirty little secret no one wants you to know about. And even though I said that, I honestly don't want to gain weight again. In fact, I'm terrified of gaining weight now. I'm obsessive about food and exercise, which isn't exactly healthy, but it isn't as unhealthy as my former addiction to killing myself with fattening and sugar-laden foods. But I'm going through some serious mental crap right now because of this weight loss. And to top it off? The problems have been physical as well. Tilted pelvis. Hip pain. PF pain that will not go away. Pains in my stomach/abs. Pains in my neck. Migraines on a regular basis. I honestly was not living in this much chronic pain when I was heavier (granted, I did suffer a lot of pain 170 pounds ago...but about 30-40 pounds ago I was flying high and feeling great). So it's hard to be thankful and happy about my accomplishments when I'm feeling so worn out from the negative physical pains I'm experiencing on a daily basis.

Does that mean I'm going to stop? No. Because I think the only way out of this is forward.

My mom and I talked about skin removal surgery and she honestly thinks it's time I started asking about it. Even if the doc I see says I need to wait a bit, it's time to start getting some information about it and start learning the options I have. Of course, for insurance to cover it, I have to prove it's medically necessary and document the physical problems it causes. I have them (see above). So last night I lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about what I needed to do to get myself in order to even make an attempt at this and I came up with the following:

- I need to stock up some sick leave at work. This is going to be difficult. The chronic pain makes it difficult to survive a month without taking off a little time due to a migraine or severe back pain. But I need to struggle through and get some time stocked in the bank for when and if this ever happens.

- I need to make sure all my affairs are in order. You know, just in case.

- I need to get my house ready for the recovery period. I need to make sure everything is organized and settled because if this ever happens I won't be able to hop up and clean for hours on end or dig through a pile of clothes taller than me to find a shirt I want to wear.

- I need to lose as much weight as I possibly can between now and then. The less I have off me when the time comes, the more I'll get out of it.

- I need to make sure to keep my heart and other organs physically fit and able to handle the stresses of major surgery. I have to take care of myself and give myself the best chance possible. That means working out and maintaining my muscle mass as much as possible.

- I need to be ready mentally for a period of recovery. That means I will have to get myself to be okay with who I am. Otherwise I may slip into a depression when I'm back to being basically bed-ridden for however long and feeling like a dolt.

And, finally...

- I need to plan for if it doesn't happen. I need to keep moving forward with my life, my career, my fitness goals. I can't just sit around wishing a magical surgical instrument is going to fix it all for me. I have to be ready to hear a possibly disappointing outcome if, say, my insurance refuses to cover it. And I need to get myself financially stable so that if it doesn't and I still want to move forward, I might be able to consider it still.

So, the best way to move forward is just to move forward. I'm not waiting around for miracles. I know how that turns out. I'm just going to put my best foot forward and pray for the best. And the only way I know how to do that is to challenge myself.

I love To Do lists. I honestly do. I love checking things off. Plus, they help keep me focused. But To Do lists can also harm my mental state. If I can't check everything off, then I'm not perfect. And we all know how well the battle to be perfect turns out for most people. So, I think what I'll do is set up a list for perfection. Set up a To Do List for the perfect day of diet, fitness, mothering, wifely duties, house cleaning, etc. But I'm going to set a check off goal of 80%. It's something important I've learned from this journey I've been on. 80% is pretty darn good. It's plenty to strive for and if you get more, great! If you get less, you honestly could probably have done more. But 80% means you rolled with the punches and stayed pretty "on" the whole day. Who can ask for more than that? Each week I'll lay out my "Perfect To Do List" and each day I'll evaluate how I've done. Hopefully by the end of this I can get myself firmly into the 280s as my goal is to end the year around 260-270.

So...here we go! Crack that whip! ;)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ERIN1128
    OMG, so true about the to-do list - love it and hate it, LOL! I really like your 80% goal, I think that's a great idea - important to leave some forgiveness room in there. :-)
    3159 days ago
    Way to go on making some progress on the mental/emotional front!! And this Whip It Challenge sounds like it's just what you need! Way to go!!!!
    3159 days ago
    Nice work!! I can see that whip cracking along! Thinking of you and cheering you on!!
    3159 days ago
    It sounds like you are taking a realistic look at where you are and where you want to be. Best wishes and stay strong and determined.
    3159 days ago
    How amazing are these numbers you are writing. End the year at 260-270!!! I'm cheering you on all the way girl. As for the skin surgery... it's not an if, but a when you get it. You have worked hard and deserve it! I can't even imagince how much easier exericse and things will be for you when you get it.

    Sorry to hear that things are aching and I know that migraines are the worst.

    Love the Whip It Challenge and the Perfect To Do List with an 80% goal, because all too often we get down on ourselves when we aren't 100% and we fail to realize that no-one is 100% all the time. You are going to rock the challenge and I'll be here cheering you on! emoticon
    3159 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/10/2012 9:45:58 AM
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