81 Sparking for three hours...
Friday, September 07, 2012
I have joined a BLC challenge which will go on for twelve weeks and require a lot of commitment. This morning I have spend a lot of time reading through rules, adding friends of the team I am in and posting stuff... I surely hope it will not take this time in the future, I have commited time for the challenges from the team but all the spark obligations, posting and stuff might overwhelm me...
Yesterday was a catastrophe... well, until about four o clock it was a good day, aca meaaeting during lunch (good) at work (good) and biking with dog (good) Came home and found a letter from tax office that had been delivered to my old adress a month ago... and yesterday it reached me! First thing I did was to find a form to change my company addess who obviously had not been done at the tax office!
The letter was a demand to leave an income declaration for my company otherwise I would be fined 5000 skr (742 usd) I crashed and went suicidal in a couple of seconds. Called the tax office, full blown hysterical, waited in telephone for sixteen minutes, explained to the customer service person while sobbing... you know I did this with my accountant in july I do not understand why it has not been registred and I did not earn any money in my company last year - I have left my private income declaration in time... I still don´t know if this can be fixed without that heavy fine but the suicidal mood has passed. It is scary how hard it hits me when I get the feeling that I have failed badly - all my fault..should have checked, should have known, why do I always do this... all those negative feelings just crashes down on me and it really takes a long time before I can reason myself out from it.
And I ate. Tracking it afterwards showed that it was not too bad after all, thanks to not having a lot of crap food in my house I was restricted to french toast with cheese, and it could have been worse.
My 60th birthday party is in danger - if there will be a fine I will not be able to give that party - that is planned to be very cheap considering what others do but still - there has to be some extra costs and I feel too crushed for the moment to WANT to give a party as I don´t want to meet people as I feel like a person that has nothing to contribute... all silly and will probably pass in a week or so.
And all this sparking makes me late for today...which doesnt make my self esteem better.
Spent two hours yesterday talking with friend who has just finished her chemo - aches in skeleton, going on morphine, the little hair that is returning is whte (she is 45) no eyebrows or eyelashes (or hair in unmentionable places) death anxiety and very weak - and I was very happy because she repeated that I am such a support for her, I say exactly the right things to encourage her and give her strength... and this was making me feel grateful to be able to help and for being a cancer survivor ( as far as I know...)
and I wish I could hang on to that feeling when these econimical blows hits me... but it is hard to remember how blessed I am when all that shame and failure emotions strikes.
Sun is wonderful, I have lots of work, daughter is coming this weekend, two shows at the theatre - then we only have two left hooray!