...but it never does.
Serious rant incoming:
(Go here...this one is probably shorter and deals with the same thing: fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot
Yesterday I overslept. Slept a full 9 hours and woke up still tired - and late. Had to drive Logan to school and then rushed to work. Thankfully, no football practice last night meant I could make up my swim after work. I went into the gym thinking I'd do a 10 x 10 - 10 rounds of 10 laps in the pool (basically a 10 x 200), but I had to fight myself and my pounding head just to get half of that done. I was slow. I was out of breath. My head was a friggin' fog and was throbbing. I think I've caught a cold or something.
Last night I set out to make Spaghetti Squash and Meatballs. It's a good thing I have an almost 13-year-old who knows how to follow a recipe. I couldn't even stand up without feeling like I was going to fall over, I was so dizzy. I knew I needed to make this dinner so I would have leftovers for the next day, but I actually could not physically complete the task. Thank goodness for Logan!
Hopped on the scale today after eating out both lunch and dinner yesterday. Big mistake. Back up a couple pounds and fighting a sore body, an aching head, and a broken heart. I honestly don't know where I went wrong, where I got lost along the way, but whenever I start to regain hope that whatever plan I have in place that month is working, I get smacked in the face and called stupid by the universe.
On Saturday I will record an official weigh-in and will see if I managed to lose the weight I needed this month. And, yes, I do mean "needed" because I'm to the point where if it things don't start progressing very soon, I won't be able to barrel through many more weeks of my body feeling this way. Hope is fading. I can't keep having my heart broken.
Let's face it - this is hard. And I often wonder if it's gotten too hard. I was doing well. I was managing. I was progressing. And then BAM! It's like I started trudging through mud and I keep getting dirty and moving my feet but I'm not getting anywhere at all. There's just so much pressure now to be perfect and my world is falling down around me.
I'm fighting to lose weight and break a plateau that doesn't seem to want to be broken.
I fight for good workouts and consistency, and end up sore and tired and exhausted beyond all comprehension of what that word actually means.
I'm swimming because my PF makes it hard to even walk, but the swimming is somehow flaring up my PF.
My family is struck with all these dietary restrictions now. No dairy in my house. No refined sugars except on rare occassions. No beans. No gluten. It's gotten to be overwhelming. And I can't just throw my hands in the air and say, "Enough!" and go back to a life of simple calorie restriction.
The restrictions are real now. They must be followed. And I must learn to adjust.
But it's time consuming and difficult and expensive.
I feel awful for my son who says to me, "Everyone was sitting around me eating corn dogs today." Not only because I feel bad that he can't eat corn dogs, but because I wonder how the school comes off passing off corn dogs as a healthy meal.
And at home, it just wears me out.
Everything must be cooked.
Unless you're eating some fresh fruit or a Larabar or some nuts, you must spend at least 20 minutes in front of the stove preparing even a snack for consumption.
We don't have resources like Trader Joe's and Whole Foods or anything of the sort.
If you're going to eat whole, healthy foods in West Virginia, it's going to be lean meats and vegetables that require a fair bit of attention.
There are no more fillers.
No more quick fixes.
The few items that have helped speed things along are either grossly expensive or super hard to find and must be ordered from the internet. Usually both.
I'm upset with this "racket" that seems to be the healthy foods section on the internet.
I'm left wondering how it can cost so much to make something so small and I'm seriously wondering if they aren't just marking up the prices because they can market it as healthy, whole foods.
It's honestly exhausting.
It leads to nights when I simply don't eat because I don't have the energy to cook for several hours.
It's stolen all the joy of cooking from me.
I keep hoping it will come back, but for right now the joy of cooking and experiencing new foods has been replaced by exhaustion and frustration.
And my relationships are falling apart because of it.
I'm falling apart.
I feel alone and lost and shoved aside by everyone because I feel quite alone in dealing with all of this.
I keep thinking, "If only..." but then I remind myself that I don't have time to dream of things like a job that will pay me what I'm worth and what my family needs to have the food it requires.
There is no time to think.
Only time to do or not do.
And I keep finding myself wanting to simply not do.
I've heard people talking about depression, and I can honestly say that I think these restrictions are depressing me beyond what I've known before.
I didn't set out to change my life to one of restrictions. I said all along that I hate diets that eliminate whole food groups. But what happens if you're forced into them?
And what happens if it's not your own restriction but your child's?
I can't let him suffer at home like he does at school so no one is allowed to eat dairy in the house. Everyone must limit gluten and refined sugars. Everyone must accept that eating fast food is a thing of the past. There is no more quick and easy. There is only restrictive and difficult.
And then I find myself sneaking food when he's not around. Because I really wanted ice cream but I didn't want to remind him that he can't have it. And that's not a healthy way to live...but neither is rubbing your son's restrictions and temptations in his own face. As the parent, I have to be the bigger person.
And you think all these restrictions and days of just not eating because I'm too tired to cook or even chew would mean I would lose a little weight on the scale, but that doesn't really seem to be happening either.
It's the world's own cruel joke. And I'm not laughing any longer.
Exhausted. That's the word for August.
Exhausted and losing all hope of feeling rested ever again.