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I Keep Hoping It Will Get Easier

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

...but it never does.

Serious rant incoming:
(Go here...this one is probably shorter and deals with the same thing: fitfatgirlblogs.blogspot

Yesterday I overslept. Slept a full 9 hours and woke up still tired - and late. Had to drive Logan to school and then rushed to work. Thankfully, no football practice last night meant I could make up my swim after work. I went into the gym thinking I'd do a 10 x 10 - 10 rounds of 10 laps in the pool (basically a 10 x 200), but I had to fight myself and my pounding head just to get half of that done. I was slow. I was out of breath. My head was a friggin' fog and was throbbing. I think I've caught a cold or something.

Last night I set out to make Spaghetti Squash and Meatballs. It's a good thing I have an almost 13-year-old who knows how to follow a recipe. I couldn't even stand up without feeling like I was going to fall over, I was so dizzy. I knew I needed to make this dinner so I would have leftovers for the next day, but I actually could not physically complete the task. Thank goodness for Logan!

Hopped on the scale today after eating out both lunch and dinner yesterday. Big mistake. Back up a couple pounds and fighting a sore body, an aching head, and a broken heart. I honestly don't know where I went wrong, where I got lost along the way, but whenever I start to regain hope that whatever plan I have in place that month is working, I get smacked in the face and called stupid by the universe.

On Saturday I will record an official weigh-in and will see if I managed to lose the weight I needed this month. And, yes, I do mean "needed" because I'm to the point where if it things don't start progressing very soon, I won't be able to barrel through many more weeks of my body feeling this way. Hope is fading. I can't keep having my heart broken.

Let's face it - this is hard. And I often wonder if it's gotten too hard. I was doing well. I was managing. I was progressing. And then BAM! It's like I started trudging through mud and I keep getting dirty and moving my feet but I'm not getting anywhere at all. There's just so much pressure now to be perfect and my world is falling down around me.

I'm fighting to lose weight and break a plateau that doesn't seem to want to be broken.
I fight for good workouts and consistency, and end up sore and tired and exhausted beyond all comprehension of what that word actually means.
I'm swimming because my PF makes it hard to even walk, but the swimming is somehow flaring up my PF.
My family is struck with all these dietary restrictions now. No dairy in my house. No refined sugars except on rare occassions. No beans. No gluten. It's gotten to be overwhelming. And I can't just throw my hands in the air and say, "Enough!" and go back to a life of simple calorie restriction.
The restrictions are real now. They must be followed. And I must learn to adjust.
But it's time consuming and difficult and expensive.
I feel awful for my son who says to me, "Everyone was sitting around me eating corn dogs today." Not only because I feel bad that he can't eat corn dogs, but because I wonder how the school comes off passing off corn dogs as a healthy meal.

And at home, it just wears me out.
Everything must be cooked.
Unless you're eating some fresh fruit or a Larabar or some nuts, you must spend at least 20 minutes in front of the stove preparing even a snack for consumption.
We don't have resources like Trader Joe's and Whole Foods or anything of the sort.
If you're going to eat whole, healthy foods in West Virginia, it's going to be lean meats and vegetables that require a fair bit of attention.
There are no more fillers.
No more quick fixes.
The few items that have helped speed things along are either grossly expensive or super hard to find and must be ordered from the internet. Usually both.
I'm upset with this "racket" that seems to be the healthy foods section on the internet.
I'm left wondering how it can cost so much to make something so small and I'm seriously wondering if they aren't just marking up the prices because they can market it as healthy, whole foods.

It's honestly exhausting.
It leads to nights when I simply don't eat because I don't have the energy to cook for several hours.
It's stolen all the joy of cooking from me.
I keep hoping it will come back, but for right now the joy of cooking and experiencing new foods has been replaced by exhaustion and frustration.

And my relationships are falling apart because of it.
I'm falling apart.
I feel alone and lost and shoved aside by everyone because I feel quite alone in dealing with all of this.
I keep thinking, "If only..." but then I remind myself that I don't have time to dream of things like a job that will pay me what I'm worth and what my family needs to have the food it requires.
There is no time to think.
Only time to do or not do.
And I keep finding myself wanting to simply not do.

I've heard people talking about depression, and I can honestly say that I think these restrictions are depressing me beyond what I've known before.
I didn't set out to change my life to one of restrictions. I said all along that I hate diets that eliminate whole food groups. But what happens if you're forced into them?
And what happens if it's not your own restriction but your child's?
I can't let him suffer at home like he does at school so no one is allowed to eat dairy in the house. Everyone must limit gluten and refined sugars. Everyone must accept that eating fast food is a thing of the past. There is no more quick and easy. There is only restrictive and difficult.
And then I find myself sneaking food when he's not around. Because I really wanted ice cream but I didn't want to remind him that he can't have it. And that's not a healthy way to live...but neither is rubbing your son's restrictions and temptations in his own face. As the parent, I have to be the bigger person.

And you think all these restrictions and days of just not eating because I'm too tired to cook or even chew would mean I would lose a little weight on the scale, but that doesn't really seem to be happening either.
It's the world's own cruel joke. And I'm not laughing any longer.

Exhausted. That's the word for August.
Exhausted and losing all hope of feeling rested ever again.

End rant.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD10795864
    Hi Esther, I have read your blog three times.....and am thinking what to say.

    Some random thoughts, I am no expert.....

    Is your son food intolerant or seriously, life-threatening allergic? If the second, clearly you must keep certain foods out of the house.

    If the first, it may be a better way to go for your family to eat healthy and well and modify his foods. He is going to have to learn to deal with his condition....and learn that all of his significant others do not have to eat the same way he does and won't. I think the way you are going will lead to resentment (and, as you said, secret eating) from everyone else. And the tension associated with this will of course make you exhausted.

    Now, and again I am no expert, have you had your RMR tested? From where I sit, I think you are exercising too much and eating too much--please don't take offense. In your stage of life, young married with young children, unless you are rich and have nannies etc., you are not going to get perfect workouts in your life. Figure out something you can do at home. Invest in a good piece of exercise equipment. That is what I did when my children were young.

    Forgive me, but I think your expectations are out of sync with reality.

    This is written with good will and hope ti is helpful!

    3182 days ago
    Oh boo Ester, I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. Your challenges are serious ones, and they do take effort and stamina to overcome, so I think your exhaustion (both physical and mental) is reasonable. My husband has suffered from depression all his life, and I can tell you that you would not be doing all you are currently doing if you were clinically depressed. I think you're just worn out. And that can be a good thing, because if could be your body and mind's way of telling you to simplify...

    I can't imagine how hard the dietary changes are for you and your family, especially given your location and access to specialty foods. Just try to keep things as simple as possible for now while you're feeling overwhelmed. I would imagine that cooking a double batch of something and eating leftovers the next day would help. I would go bonkers if I had to cook something different each night.

    And don't forget the simple idea of "calories in, calories out." You don't need to have crazy hard pool workouts to lose weight. You need to eat less and burn more. So the cleaner you eat, the less you have to workout. You don't have to do complicated swim workouts or ST sessions to lose weight, you just have to burn more calories than you're eating. Stay active doing something you like (that won't aggravate your PF longterm). Ice the feet when they're flaring up, and keep the food simple. You'll make it to Saturday! What will be will be and you can set some new goals for the month to come!
    emoticon emoticon
    3182 days ago
    I hear you on the depression, and the not wanting to cook, and good god yes, on the expense. I wish I had a better answer for you, but all I can say is keep the faith. Eventually something good has to happen. emoticon
    3182 days ago
    Aw, Esther... I hear you, and I commiserate! When we started out on this Paleo journey, it was in mind to heal my body and lsoe the weight... we've since discovered that our daughter (she's 8) is gluten intolerant with bacterial overgrowth, and is benefitting from the new nutritional plan more than anybody... and so the change becomes not an interesting experiment, but a new way of life for all of us.

    Yesterday morning I spent and hour rocking her and soothing her because while she's quite brave and strong about it all most of the time, she just wanted a piece of toast for breakfast... with JAM. And school starts next week with all of the challenges that holds... and she has a birthday party on Saturday where she can't have any of the cake or treats. SIGH. It is HARD.

    I have a bunch of recipes that you might be interested in... check out my blog (I KNOW... I'm tired of cooking everything, too... but I found some great 'kid' treat recipes your son might like)... and I found a great recipe for flax-meal bread I will share (it's actually really good and beat out the gluten-free mix stuff hands down)... my DD had her first sandwich in six months yesterday (after the melt-down I went searching) and toast this morning, and her joy has restored my determination to keep doing this.

    We CAN do this!!!

    ...as for the weight loss (I plateau every second day for a month), do you read JUSTBIRDY's blog (she's a low-carber)? She posted something today that I think makes sense and that just might help. Check it out:

    transitioning to lower protein

    Even when you're discouraged, YOU inspire me to do do better!
    3183 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/31/2012 12:17:44 PM
    I have been away for a while so I am not up to speed on this new challenge but I am so sorry to hear about it. Not sure if the food restrictions will allow this but can you batch cook on Sunday (or any one day of the week) to cut down on cooking the rest of the week? The hubby and I have to do this to eat healthy and reasonably inexpensive on a (mostly) vegan diet. It is a LOT to do in one day, but really helps throughout the week so we can just grab, reheat and go.
    3183 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12805071
    I know how you feel & I'm sorry you've had a tough go at it!! just remember, if it were easy, we'd all be skinny/healthy! It took time to put it on, it will take time for change & get it off. You're doing great & it's ok to have a down day & refocus :) Hang in there!
    3183 days ago
    So sorry you're feeling like this. I think any time we change our schedules/plans it can be exhausting. You have to remember that you haven't been abiding by these particular restrictions for all that long, they're not routine yet, they're not normal yet, so every single meal is a huge source of stress.

    Give yourself some time, give yourself a break.

    And, as much as I know you don't want to have differing diets, particularly because you don't want your son to feel bad, give some thought to the idea that maybe you're not getting everything YOUR body needs by restricting so heavily. We're all different and our bodies all have different needs. Maybe you need a slightly different diet than your son. It's completely do-able, when I was a kid my parents were always on their own diets and my brother had to have really high protein because he was a pretty elite swimmer, and we made it work.

    Good luck, I hope things get better soon, and have a GREAT day today! :-)
    3183 days ago
    Boy that was one heck of a tough run. I am all too familiar with that feeling of being too tired to move. I feel for you girl! Hang in there and fight the tough fight.
    3183 days ago
    Nothing brilliant to say here either, only that I hear and feel your pain. Sometimes it's just plain hard with no end in sight, and that stinks. Hold on; don't give up. There will be relief somewhere along the line, there has to be.

    3183 days ago
    Wow. I don't have exactly the same things going on, but I can really identify with what you are saying. I think you are right to make the lifestyle change a thing for the family. I dealt with a heart condition in my early twenties where I couldn't have any animal products or even normal fat in an everyday meal. I had to relearn everything I knew about food, educate all the people around me (try going on a date where you can't even have cheese!), and I had to go hungry a lot. Like you said, there is no quick fix. I think I would have been much happier if I had family support. I know it's hard and I hope you can deal with the depression that comes with the change. I'm sorry you are suffering, but I'm also inspired by the love you are showing to your son.
    3183 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    I hope that rant at least made you feel a little teeny bit better? You've got a lot of pressures on you, just try to hang in there and take care of you. And remember that we're all here for you!
    3183 days ago
    I feel you....I'm here to read your rants and your successes. I understand wanting to say I give up. I know you will find a way to juggle all this and I get the restrictive aspect....very frustrating!

    I wish I had something brilliant but all I don't. I can just let you know i hear you and I care.
    3183 days ago
    I feel you....I'm here to read your rants and your successes. I understand wanting to say I give up. I know you will find a way to juggle all this and I get the restrictive aspect....very frustrating!

    I wish I had something brilliant but all I don't. I can just let you know i hear you and I care.
    3183 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7009225
    Esther, So much despair I hear in this. I understand. I have been there. I am slowly trying to pull myself out of it. I haven't been able to stand the thought of cooking for weeks and I mean weeks. I have a whole blog in my head about it and what I am thinking I am beginning to realize. I can only say that you need to stay here. Do what you can. Sometimes we need a break. But, we don't want that break to be a serious backslide either. It is hard. For you. Your family. Others. But, it is your/my life and we need to decide if being healthier, not even necessarily thinner, is worth it. We need to remember that we are making a new life. It is not temporary. It is new. And we need to make that new life what we can LIVE with. Otherwise, it won't work. My trainers/nutrition advisers were appalled when I said I wouldn't restrict myself the way they wanted me to, "even to be healthier"? I told them, NO. That I also had to LIVE my life or what was the purpose. I can only say that I am taking back control of my life. Don't give up. Take a break. Schedule some "treats" or "breaks". One a week or so. But whatever you do, do it for you!
    3183 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    No words of wisdom because I feel your frustration and sometimes you just need a hug and a shoulder to cry on...so consider this your shoulder, girlie!! Hang in there!!!!!!!!
    3183 days ago
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