I am 21 years old and I am a WOMAN!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
So, random fact about Monica: I'm an adult trapped in a teenager's mind. Hard to explain. But, basically, I have borderline personality disorder. (Don't look it up... you'll think I'm crazy).
I struggle daily with negative thinking about myself, about the person I am, about who I am in Christ, about what others think of me, about my mindset and my immaturity, about ladeedadeedah. It's a never-ending thing that I've learned to live with and find my way through life despite. But why do I say it's a teenagers mind, though? Because I feel like I'm trapped in the "finding out who I am" years still. Those years of "I need to be accepted by my friends and family" years. The high school/pre teen self confidence issues years.
But one thought that constantly stuck in my mind: I am immature. Nobody will ever see me as an adult.
I was shopping at Gabriel Brothers the other day for a simple, cute top to wear over a short suit I got the other day. My school doesn't allow me to wear strapless anything so I needed a top for it. Anyway, I grabbed a few other outfits because I didn't feel like just taking in one thing, plus I thought it'd be fun! :D
Recently, I got my hair chopped off. It's called the BC, or "Big Chop". It's something African Americans do because they want their hair to grow healthier and more naturally. It's called "going natural". I didn't have incredibly long hair before, but I had long enough hair to stick behind my ears. Now, I don't. I got it chopped off. I'm learning to love it. The change has helped me move away from the image of that teenage girl that I fear will never get me a job as a youth pastor. It applies to this story, I promise ;)
[[fast forward back to blog post subject]]
I was trying on one of the tops in Gabriel Brothers when I looked in the mirror. Suddenly, I LOVED what I saw. I felt older, more mature... why? Idk. It's like the blouse I had on suddenly transported me into the future, where I'm interviewing for a youth pastoring job or a counseling job. I suddenly looked in the mirror and said to myself "I am 21 years old... I am a WOMAN!" and BELIEVED IT! I saw the new haircut, I saw the fancy blouse, and I suddenly saw a woman in the mirror.
It was a confidence booster. While it's still a struggle sometimes to not feel immature, I realize that because I am choosing to move past my mental struggles (there's so much more to it than just the thoughts I listed), I am GROWING UP! I am maturing!
How does this relate to my weight loss journey, you ask?
Because now I can stop making excuses. I am responsible for my life. NOBODY else is. I choose when I'm going to make the time to exercise, I choose what food I'm going to eat, I choose what kind of lifestyle I'm going to live...
And not only that, but I realize that one more way I feel like I will be able to move past my teenage girl mindset is if I can look in the mirror and not see the chunky/fat middle school and high schooler that got picked on and despised herself. That's not who I am anymore, and I'm ready to fit the image of who I know I really am in my heart of hearts.
I am a WOMAN.
I graduate in May with my Bachelors Degree in Youth Ministry. I'm ready to step up and be the WOMAN I am called to be in Christ Jesus. In my heart of hearts, I am the woman who will run and play games with the youth she ministers to. I am the woman who will play in a volleyball league one day because she got back on the court to play what she's passionate about again. I'm the woman who is going to get married to an amazing guy and be a pastor's wife. I am the woman who will be CONFIDENT in who she is so that she can tell the pre-teens, teens, and young adults in her ministry "I understand, but I promise you -- one day, you'll know who you are! Search for that in Christ!"
HUGE confidence booster for me, you guys... HUGE. I truly feel like that was a moment that came from Jesus. I know who I am now. I just gotta move forward and prove it to myself.
p.s. In no way am I saying that it's only when I'm in fancy clothes with my hair done nice that I am a woman... I'm just saying that for once I SAW myself as a woman. And still see myself as that, even when I look in the mirror with jeans and a t-shirt on!