A few months ago, I met someone on here that i thought had great potential of being a good friend. After a week or so and reading a few blogs, I had a gut feeling (you know that one you get that is usually right? Yeah that one.) that I had to be careful with this person. That feeling deep down that told me that if I wasn't careful, I could get hurt.
I ignored that gut reaction. My heart just wanted to be a friend to her. To listen and support her in every way that I knew how. My heart and soul really wanted to reach out to her and hold her close and let her know that everything was okay and that she wasn't alone. This was genuine, this is who I am and who I am proud to be.
After a couple of weeks, we became closer. We shared. We attempted to bond and we were doing alright at doing so. However, soon after I started getting hints of rude behavior from her. Also, she tended to have unpleasantly askew point of views and was quite negative most of the time. I started to realize it was wearing on me. So, that gut feeling started reminding me of my initial thoughts and I was starting to regret ignoring them.
I admit I scolded myself, once again, for feeling this way and told myself that I was taking things too personally or perhaps being too critical. So again, I continued to try and be a friend to her but I do think I was becoming more reserved. I still talked to her regularly and then one day, I didn't agree with something she said or didn't instantly validate her feelings about something and Whoa! My head could have rolled if it wasn't attached to my body. She snapped at me. That is when I knew I couldn't get any more emotionally involved than I already was and that I had to pull away a bit.
Please don't get me wrong, I was nor will I ever be rude or hurtful toward her. I just didn't talk as much and listened when I could. I was pulling away and keeping my distance. I couldn't ignore my gut any longer. I've been burned too many times before for doing that. So, I just kindly responded to messages, short and sweet and continued with my day. I'm too busy to cater to much more than that right now any way, not to her, not to anyone.
Anyway, a few days ago, I posted this on my facebook page and tagged my teenage son in it...
In case you can't see it, this is what it says...
WORDS FOR TEENAGERS...
Northland College principal John Tapene has offered the following words from a judge who regularly deals with youth. "Always we hear the cry from teenagers, 'what can we do, where can we go?"
"My answer is this: Go home, mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, build a raft, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons and after you've finished, read a book. Your town does not owe you recreational facilities and your parents do not owe you fun.
"The world does not owe you a living, you owe the world something. You owe it your time, energy and talent so that no one will be at war, in sickness and lonely again. In other words grow up, stop being a cry baby, get out of your dream world and develop a backbone not a wishbone. Start behaving like a responsible person. You are important and you are needed. It's too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday. Someday is now and that somebody is you!"
Now, I personally think there is truth in this. Hard cold truth. So many teenagers just sit back and expect the luxuries of life without doing anything to earn them... but I digress, this is a totally different issue...
So, this posting lead to a debate that turned nasty rather quickly. Out of control nasty and I did my best to defuse the situation in the most respectful and kind manner that I could think of. Yes, it involved the person I mentioned above, that "friend" and a couple of my real life friends and even my teenage son.
Everyone felt, whether it was the tone this person was speaking in or whether they felt like I was being criticized for tagging my son in such a "hurtful thing", they should get involved and were trying to defend me. I don't believe that anyone was trying to be spiteful toward her but she definitely took it that way (I believe, we are all are entitled to our feelings by the way) and she began spewing some very hurtful and emotionally harmful things. That is when I asked for it to stop and I got a rather harsh response that called me out and was clearly aimed to hurt in return.
Seconds after this cold response and my admittedly, maybe not the greatest come back but knee jerk reaction to "thank" her.... all of her comments were gone (she deleted them) and I received an ugly and hurtful email that I am going to share with you now...
Marisa: I wish you all the best, but until you are able to support me and accept that we do have differences and those differences are not attacks against **you** -- until you are able to feel how inappropriate the actions and words of your friend XXX attacking my past (which she was -- read it again) -- until you, MARISA, are able to grow a backbone and defend those you love least to those you love most when you understand the feelings of the person you love least -- we can not have contact. I suspect this means it's the end of the road. That's okay, too, cuz your inability to really truly accept the position that you're in and that something needs to be done (seriously, you can be harsh with your child but can't call yourself FAT?) and your overwhelming excuses that you "black out" and "can't get full" so that you can continue to feed your addiction, are a hindrance to me. You will find your way out of your stuff, as I'm sure I will find my way out of mine. I think letting go of one another may be a positive step for both of us. Peace.
Now, please know, I would never out this person or reveal her identity to you or anyone else that wasn't involved... I don't hold any grudges toward her or wish to be vindictive toward her in any way. EVER.
I also want to say that, I would NEVER use someones insecurities, fears, weaknesses and personal thoughts against them. I wouldn't intentionally anyway. I most definitely wouldn't even dream of using it as ammo to hurt that person. But that is what happened to me tonight.
Everything that I have ever shared with all of you on here in my blogs or in private conversations was used against me. To cause me harm. To mess with my head and to bring me down. It was cruel and unusual punishment and even though i don't like to admit that it hurt me, it did. However, it didn't send me into the tail spin of despair that may have been intended. It just hurt.
I wouldn't normally share something like this. It is something that probably is best left to private but I realized my heart was hurt and I see that I had to talk about this. I wasn't going to write about this, I was going to swallow the malicious attack and let my heart hurt for a while.
But then I realized, that whether I talked about it or not, my heart was going to hurt anyway. I have no ill will, I'm not trying to hurt her or out her or get you all to gang up on her. I just realized in situations like these, sometimes you need to ask for a little help from your friends to lift you back up when someone is tearing you down.
I also have to ask... how would you feel if the above message was sent to you? If you REALLY did try to be this persons friend. If you, yourself were never trying to be hurtful or disrespectful but the way you tried to put things to rest was received that way. If you, have laid your heart on the line and shared your inner most thoughts, only to have them used as a weapon to injure. How would you feel? Am I over reacting by being hurt by those words? How do I keep those words from injuring me further? How would YOU move beyond this?
Please know that I tried to respond to the private message that I shared above. After that was sent to me, I was immediately blocked from not only facebook but also here on sparkpeople, so I was never given a chance to speak my peace. So I decided to do that here and share with you. I am copy and pasting what I would have said, so you know my response and my reaction (I have not edited anything)....
"XXXXXXXX (her name), I will not sink to your level and attack everything about you, your fears, insecurities or your character. It pains me to say this but you are right, our parting ways is for the best and I wish you all the luck in the world.
Best Wishes... Sincerely, Marisa"
At this moment, I'm still very hurt. I have lived a very sheltered life that I have imposed upon myself and have hidden from those who have hurt me and in fear of those who might hurt me. I am learning that not everyone is out to cause me harm. I am learning to open up and accept that there are truly kind people out there. If you have ever read one of my blogs you know that I am honest, sincere and trying so very hard to be courageous to fight the good fight we are all going through to better ourselves.
I admit, this is a little set back. A small part of me want to hide again, in fear that anything I say can and will be used against me. Like it was today. However, I have decided that I am not going to surrender to this. I'm not going to let it bring me down, so I am turning to my spark friends right now. I know you exist and that is why I decided that it was alright to share this experience and embrace all the wonderful people that are here.
Soon after the whole debate blow up, one of my friends that was involved sent me the following saying... it is something I am trying to embrace right now.
This is true and it is a reminder... I am not hopeless and I will not give up.
Thank You for reading...